One of the things we HDs do when we try to reason out our spouse's lack of interest in sex is to think "s/he must be having an affair!" After all, that's the way we think. Why else wouldn't someone want sex all the time? Because they're getting it elsewhere. Not true, of course, as SSM tells us.
My question is: Do you LDs ever find yourself desiring, or even following through with, having an EA or PA? Or is whatever sexual energy you have always directed at your spouse?
Quote: whatever sexual energy you have always directed at your spouse?
This one. Since the sexual energy shows up for me well after we've started "getting involved" , I don't experience sexual energy as a drive outside of the act with my H. When I think about sex, it is only in the context of "sex with H."
As an aside, I think one of the problems some LD people may deal with is that they try to get the act over with quickly. So if you're LD and reading this, try making it last longer instead. Those tingly, sexual energy, lustful feelings may need more time to come to the surface.
I can't speak for other LDs, but yeah, there was a time in my relationship that I was vulnerable to an EA, and even participated in one. But it sure as heck wasn't over sex (and I never had sex with that person, either). It could have turned into that, but it didn't.
When I was most vulnerable to an EA was when my relationship was damn near emotionally vacant. Just as when an HD is most vulnerable to a PA is when their marriage is sexually starved. I think really all you need to do to understand the motives of an LD is to look at your own, and simply replace your sexual needs with 'emotional needs.'
I.e., you need to be close physically and sexually to feel emotionally close. An LD needs to feel emotionally close to feel sexual and physical.
I'd say if you are sexually starved, then your spouse is equally starved for something... their needs may be a little more difficult to figure out than yours, and it may take a little more work to bring that to the surface.
But when anyone goes outside of the marriage in search of something, it is because it is the very thing lacking in the marriage, yes? I'd say for most LDs, if they look outside the marriage, it isn't over sex... it may turn into sex because once their emotional needs are being 'filled up' by another, they will feel 'sexual.' But I don't think that was the motivating factor to being with.
I'm probably over-generalizing, but that's my 'broad-brush' take on things.
, I don't experience sexual energy as a drive outside of the act with my H. When I think about sex, it is only in the context of "sex with H."