Okay, well - a couple people asked me to clearly state my goals, and so I am starting a new thread to do that, and hopefully starting a new chapter in my DB'ing.
Big goal 1: To not fight with H anymore. Breakdown: When he starts pushing my mad buttons (cancelling plans, being preoccupied, no paying attention to what I'm saying), I will NOT respond! I will come to the board and post, journal, or write him a (non-mailable) letter.
Big goal #2: Stop pressuring him/pursuing him about coming home, coming over, etc. Doable goal #2: I am going to work on getting my domestic sitch in order (the house is a mess!), spend time with DS, and try to get in contact more with friends.
Big goal #3: Act like things are normal. Someone asked me "what would normal look like?" Well, I guess my real goal here is to be more accepting of the sitch as it is, rather than how I want it to be. I would stop having big R talks, stop panicking and getting angry/crying when he isn't as affectionate as I wish he would be sometimes. I want my interactions with him to be calm and pleasant.
How are these new goals? Thanks for any input, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Lyrael - I answered your question on Meredith's thread but thought I'd post it here too. I think there is a trend that people who express in acts of service seem to like to receive in words of affirmation. That makes some sense, because when you do something really nice for someone, don't you usually expect to hear "gee honey, that was really nice, what a great job, you're so talented"? So I think those of us who really need words of affirmation may gravitate towards acts of service expecting that words of affirmation will be our reward?
Quote: Big goal 1: To not fight with H anymore. Breakdown: When he starts pushing my mad buttons (cancelling plans, being preoccupied, no paying attention to what I'm saying), I will NOT respond! I will come to the board and post, journal, or write him a (non-mailable) letter.
my question for you is this? this is all fine and dandy if maybe this is a phone conversation but how will you handle it on a face to face encounter, you have to be a bit more prepared - can't very well during a conversation with him disappear and come to the bb can you? let's work on this one a bit more
Quote: Big goal #2: Stop pressuring him/pursuing him about coming home, coming over, etc. Doable goal #2: I am going to work on getting my domestic sitch in order (the house is a mess!), spend time with DS, and try to get in contact more with friends.
what are your plans with your house? how are you going to organize it? can i recommend FlyLady? what are you going to do with DS? what are your plans with your other friends? do you have a set list of friends in mind and do you have a set thing to do?
Quote: Big goal #3: Act like things are normal. Someone asked me "what would normal look like?" Well, I guess my real goal here is to be more accepting of the sitch as it is, rather than how I want it to be. I would stop having big R talks, stop panicking and getting angry/crying when he isn't as affectionate as I wish he would be sometimes. I want my interactions with him to be calm and pleasant.
accepting and acting 'as if' are two different things. in the brain psyche they are treated two different ways. when you act 'as if' you fool your brain into believing something that isn't necessarily true and it starts to dictate your actions 'as if' they were true. accepting puts your brain into a different mode and your body language will reflect that mode...
Well, (to borrow a phrase), I am no longer fish-sober.
H called early today (11:30am) and asked if i wanted him to buy us a new washer. I have been going to the laundromat since our washer broke shortly after he moved out. I told him that was fine with me, and that maybe we could get online together this evening. He said, "Call me when you want to do that."
Then I sat down on my couch and started thinking. I was supposed to go by where he lives to pick up some laundry (I occasionally offer to do that). Did he offer to buy us a washer because he didn't want me to come by? Was something going on? So...instead of working on fighting my feelings and out-of-control thoughts, I called him back and asked if I could bring S by to say "hi." He said "sure, we could grab some dinner. Call me around 3 or 4."
So S and I take a long, wonderful, much-needed nap. We woke up around 3 and I gave H a call. "Is it okay for me to bring S by?" He says sure, the shop is fairly empty, and my partner is busy, so he won't bother us. Then I push - " What about dinner?" "He says well, I am not really feeling like eating, and I'm afraid if I leave I'll miss customers and money."
I lost it. Internally, anyway. "We haven't seen you all week! I haven't even bugged you about coming over, and you can't take 30 minutes to have dinner with your son?"
"I'm sorry, I just want us to get caught up - we have to pay for the washer, and bills." Then I go even further. " You know, why don't we cancel our plans for tomorrow - I can't handle you coming over and expecting me to be your buddy, when I have more feelings for you than that. You could see S during the week when I'm at work." Him: "Why are you getting all pissed off at me, and being weird?" (being weird is his code for - you're messing with our family sunday plans, and I don't want to cancel them) Me: "I'm not all pissed off, I just am obviously not where you are. I know you've gotten over me and moved on, but I haven't, so I have a really hard time just being friends." H: "I didn't say that - didn't you ever think I might still be under you?" (yes, he really said that - he gets a wacky sense of humor when we get into uncomfortable situations) Me: I really wanted to let myself be charmed at this point, but I think he just said he wasn't over me to keep me from being mad at him. So I didn't say anything. I just sat there for a second. H: "How about I bring dinner over there? I can't stay long, but I could spend an hour with you guys." Me: "I don't want you coming over because you feel like you have to, and I don't want to feel bad when you cancel again." H: "I won't cancel if we agree on it - is it okay with you if I come over then?" Me: "Yeah, I guess so." H: " But you have to promise not to be all mad when I have to go back to work." (He owns his own shop, so he sets his hours for the most part.) Me: "I won't. Are you sure you're okay with coming over?" H: "I'll call when I'm ready to walk out the door." Me: "Okay, bye."
So now what do I do - do I tell him he doesn't have to come over, since I just feel like a great big witch for getting upset? AUGH!!!
Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
You know, I never thought I would reach this point. But I think if someone attractive and interesting walked up to me and asked me out, I think I wouldn't hesitate to say yes.
I really think I might be giving up and wanting an end to this myself.
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
And looking good.
