These were VERY "thoughtful" gifts that you gave him. Something that a true friend would think of. You are getting into the spirit of giving gifts that are of "true giving".
I will take him some coffee in a while, as I would for anyone.
Again, a "true friend" type of thing. How thoughtful of you!!
JJ
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He just left. Before he left, he asked me if I needed a new computer..which I do. I said yes. I asked him what kind he was thinking of getting me and he said a gateway. I was stunned.
I had just got done telling him how sorry I was for everything I had put him through over the years. I had just finished telling him how much I loved him and how bad I felt about losing him now that I was better. I had just told him that I wanted him to know that I knew how much he had loved me and done for me throughout the years.
And he responds by offering to buy me a new computer....his love language is gift giving....he has always tried to buy things for me to show me he loves me..
but then he left rather abruptly...and it was obvious that he did not want to be hugged or touched so I did not ask to hug him when he left...I just gave him space and said thanks for doing the driveway...he will be over on Monday before he leaves for work...I will thank him for the offer to buy the computer then...I was really to stunned to thank him today...
Ok...the hamsters in my cage are running rampant. Why is he offering to buy me a computer? I have to just accept that he is and it is a nice gesture and accept it as such.
Part of me can't help but think Don Pardo is going to announce and hey Colleen here's your lovely parting gift...a brand spanking new Gateway Computer courtesy of your husband... I have to squash that voice down and just listen to the other voice that says it doesn't matter why he is doing it..it is a NICE thing and he is a GREAT guy for doing it and I need to be GRATEFUL...
I am going to pray to God to help me be grateful to others for their kind gestures and for God to help me to not look for motives behind kind actions but to just accept kind actions...
I need a computer. He knows this. He is being kind. His love language (that he speaks to me) has always been giving things to me...so in all true likelihood...he is saying he still loves me...maybe not I love you...but that he loves me.
You did well by having your plans and letting him get on with his etc. You sound like too different people sometimes... the dynamic, busy, go getting one with good advice, and the needy, pathetic one at others.
NO OFFENCE meant. We are all like that at times. It's just that the former is so much more attractive and seems to suit your husband, while the latter puts him off.
From my position it still seems that you could CUT RIGHT BACK on the explicit R talk. You could appreciate him in small doses and much more subtly, so it isn't in your face R talk.
I'm sure your H is well aware by now that you want him and your M. Just concentrate on being confident and busy with yourself, throw in plenty of positive, but LIGHT positive feedback about him, and stand right back!
Got to go...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hey...you sound like you handled things good..keep foccusing on your own life..I waited around along time..hoping h would change...little by little I rebuilt my life..knowing that we have choices only about us..and thankfully h has turned his heart back..but I was fully prepared to move on..alone.
I did not realize until h told me everything, that this is THEIR journey..oh lots of wise people here tried to tell me that..but until you here the other side, you keep ASSuming it is only about you..what you did to make them leave..etc...until the other s is ready to "get off the train" of their own self destruction and guilt..we can't do anything to help them except to take care of ourselves..to live each day as if we may very well end up without them...and of course if rebuilding the r is what you still believe in and want...then being kind, patient, forgiving and all the rest that goes along with it,is all we can do.
I agree the strong go getting confident Agal is so much more attractive. Focusing on making that a permanent feature! Detach from what H is doing or saying. You allow him to flip the switch to the needy whoa is me Agal.
He probably does it sub coconsciously but it happens non the less and then he does notice.
Your guidline of acting as a friend and doing things that you would for any friend works well. If a friend told you they wanted to buy you a computer, would you spend all night wondering about their ulterior motive? How would you thank a dear friend for such a gift?
hey don't sweat it. Somtimes us males really are from Mars...:) I know I try to make things better with gifts, and often wonder about the W responding in the same way as you are... it makes me wonder why i was doing it. When in my heart is was because I cared, but when W starts questioning it, it really hinders the process. Since I am in Ak I know and am familiar with the travel issues as I am kind of in the same sitch.
Look I am going to be honest with you. You have been through a heck of a lot and so has your H. Please back off trying to push him or making a big deal about the computer. It is his way of showing you that you still mean something to him. don't ruin it by pushing too hard right now. I know I am in kind of the same sitch as him. i need to see long term changes in my W before I can trust her again. I need to know when I leave that she will not be out partying anymore. I know this is brutally honest, but I am telling you this from the male perspective and from someone who is kind of in his same shoes.
You are doing so good, but from my perspective, reading your sitch, you keep sliding back into old behavior. You need to quit trying to analyze everything he is doing or not doing. when A is involved, people really need to see a long term change and whether the other person likes it or not it is up to them to maintain that change. However, sometimes people change drastically in a short timeframe, and the other person is just sitting there waiting for the person to revert back to the same old thing. I know my W was doing that to me last year, and I felt a tremendous amount of pressure wevery time I opened my mouth I was waiting to get hammered. I think that is how your H is probably feeling right now. From reading what you have written I think is really trying to reach out to you, but when he does, you push too hard and he doesn't want to be rushed as he needs the validation that you have changed. its hard to tell when that will be, but if you are serious about this then you have to maintain the 180 route. Its like driving to Kenai from Anchorage. We both know there is only one way to drive there. You cannot get there if you keep turning around near Hope. *(alaska reference) You have to keep going in the direction you are driving. If you keep turning around you will not get there and all the salmon will be gone.
I know I was kind of brutal today, but I think you needed it to sanp you out of your current state. Please be sure I wrote this with all the intent of helping you and give you all my best wishes. Not start living today and focus on the technique grasshopper.
Yes, I know! You are all absolutely correct. I was pretty much just venting and am not going to voice any of those fears to H. I plan on just being grateful to him for buying the computer for me.
As for his valentine's day card and small gifts, he didn't get overly excited...but he did say yeah in a nice way when I said I thought he could use the travel mug and mentioned I knew he liked to keep breath mints in the truck and he didn't say that he DIDN'T want them ...which he is very capable of doing.
He definitely has always tried to buy things for me in the past as a way of showing his love. He prefers to buy things that are needed.
Last night: Had girlfriend and her daughter and sleepover friend over and made salad and orange shrimp with fettucini. It was awesome. It's large shrimp or prawns with sauted red peppers, warmed orange sections, snow peas, and orange sauce over fettucini....I added some yellow and green peppers and onions as well...it was FABULOUS...the kids loved it and my girlfriend and I devoured ours and had seconds and thirds...it's a fairly healthy combo, too...so not too much guilt...for all the eating!
Have to be sure and thank H again for the prawns...yummy!
Dan, do you work on the slope? My H does. Just wondering. Anyway, I think he gets lots of earfuls of bad advice from angry ex-husbands up there. His favorite phrases for a long time was I'm just a paycheck to you...or You just want me for my money....my psychiatrist (yes I see a shrink) told me that many of the sloper's he sees and/or their wives say it is all about the money...from the sloper's point of view..that the sloper thinks the wife is out to get their precious cash...it's so dumb...I want my husband's time and attention and love and friendship...and have told him that time and time again...but I guess I need to work on ACTIONS SPEAKING LOUDER THAN WORDS.
I agree H doesn't want to be rushed. I can't really rush him either. H wants to be in control of the whole sitch right now and I have to let him be in control. H is staying with h's folks and comes and goes at h's will...H is probably tired of worrying about whether or not H is going to feel hurt by my behaviour and so is protecting himself... can't say I blame him..... At the same time, H has done some hurtful awful things to me...but I have got to let go of those things and forgive and forget if I want this to work...I need to focus on just moving forward... Church today ...school project to work on with son... driveway is a sheet of ice ...IT RAINED HERE LAST NIGHT! H may or may not be by with gravel for driveway... Will see him Monday morning for sure. Gonna leave him alone til then...son called to ask for a ride to school...but FIL just said "He's downstairs." and wouldn't go get him for son....inlaws don't like us. Don't really care...I used to love them a lot, but right now I don't feel anything...they are good people ...they love their son... I have heard how they talked about other DIL and can't help but feel like they are talking about me...and have been all along...don't know...it's so hard...but that relationship would repair itself in time, if the marriage repaired itself ...we don't have to live together...just near each other and like I said they are good people at heart and have been good to me in many ways, so to sum it all up...they are human and so am I ...we have all made mistakes...
Wow...I am rambling on today...must have needed to call someone or talk to a gal pal...so used the bb today! LOL Gonna run...gotta work on a school project with son...we're making an arthopod...and writing about invertebrates...hmmmm...creepy, wriggly, fun...hope I don't go too buggy...LOL
No I don't work on the slope just about 250 miles away from home. I understand what you just said completely. Sometimes when we are away and W is partying, we wonder why we are doing it. Its really hard being away and I think sometimes the W's take it for granted and vice versa. they don't understand us trying to provide the best for them, and we don't understand their lonliness when we are not there. Hence the big Word "COMMUNICATION". other people around probably don't understand what we are talking about in the Alaska work force area. The distance some of work apart from our loved ones is definitely a major problem up here for a lot of people. I will give you some more advice if you don't mind.
Our minds do go crazy when we are away and try to get in touch, and W's are out and about, very stressful. also, I do know that we miss our families terribly when we are away. sometimes we take that for granted and don't let the W's know it. But trust me we married our W's because we loved them and as Michele says in the books, that doesn't stop, we just imagine tht it has stopped because we have quit "communicating" Simple answers but hard things to comprehend and get through. I think we get too caught up in ourselves and lose focus of our partners. I speak for myself when i say i definitely took my W for granted and the things she did do. I don't anymore, but don't know if it too late or not.
I don't there is a clear answer, but you are doing the right things though. I do have a question for you though. Is your h very religious. Because if not, then I think I might see part of your prob right now. I truly respect you for your devotion, but ask yourself this question?
From where i was a week, a month, a year, or two years ago, what is the major changes I have made in my life? How does my H see these changes or perceive them? Is H as comitted to church as I am? (this could be one of your major stumbling blocks).
If you are constantly telling h how much you have changed or if you are pushing your church actions on him when he may not be that religious or very skeptical right now might be keeping him away. Like I said earlier when A is involved in either party or lying and mistrust, it takes a heck of a lot to regain the other person's trust. But how do you go about doing it. I truly believe, that you have to live each day as best YOU can and not force your new beliefs on him. He will see the changes in fact I would bet he already has and it makes him wonder?
But don't live a lie, like my W has been doing. She swore she was going to commit to M 110% and then I found an email between her and partying buddy, talking about me like a dog. That was back when i was snooping, sometimes you find crap that you don't want to know or would be better off without. All i am saying is be honest and true to yourself. if you have really changed he will see it. its like the old saying about if you love something set it free if it comes back etc...
set yourself free from the past, you cannot change it and never will be able to. That is what i had to do. I am a lot more at piece with myself right now and no matter what happens I am not going to go back to that person. It was really driving me crazy. A good friend of mine is a recovered AA and he has great life now. Your H is going to wonder when he is on the slope for right now and you cannot change that, what you can change is showing him you are very sincere in this new change and that you are committed to it for the long haul. Don't say it with words, because after awhile words go in one ear and out the other, especially if was a repeated scene in the past. When he was gone before did you go out to the bars while he was at work. I guarantee that right now that is one thing he is looking at to see if you going out or not. Be as honest as you can be with him about what you are doing. he is looking and needing to see the changes and to see if they are going to last. He needs that space and I think to be honest right now you do to. This is not an overnight deal.
I'll give you an example, since I started my 180, my W has called me more. the other night she stopped by and when she was getting ready to leave she seemed to be waiting for me to jump and be hugging her and trying to kiss her. I waited until she had her coat on and then got up and was walking her to the door when she gave me a big hug, nothing more nothing less. I hugged her back and nothing else. However, she was kind of dragging her feet going to her car, I stood at the door and just simply said thank you. she said what for and i said the hug. she told me she really missed them and I said me to. See simple but effective. It was good moment for both of us, and no pressure by either person. tomorrow when you see him be laid back and take the moments for what they are. I hope this makes sense. Dan
I go to a non-denominational church down the road from my house. It meets Sunday evenings for bible study and a potluck dinner. It's a lot of older old time Alaskans.
I do not push church on my H. H is not interested.
I need God in my life, however. God helps me get through and be thankful the day to day trials and joys of life and helps me stay sober.
I know that H needs to feel like he can really trust me again. I know that he is struggling with that.
What I struggle with is the need to feel loved and appreciated. I struggle with the need to feel like he is really interested in me as a person and in me as his best friend.
Somehow...that went away. We grew apart and I am so sorry for that. Now, I need to work on us growing back together..slowly, but surely...I hope.
Dan, I do think in your sitch that one thing you could do is to positively validate her good behaviours...tell her when she does things you like and tell her when she is doing things right...that's what I need and what would help me to want to really continue working on things...I will work on things no matter what...but it sure would help to get a pat on the back now and then for things I do right ...rather than just hearing about what I have done wrong...
You have to keep going in the direction you are driving. If you keep turning around you will not get there and all the salmon will be gone.