I haven't posted for a while, since nothing new was going on really, but now I think I am even loosing my own, my wondelful libido.
I feel so sad and just plain blah about the whole thing. Last time I wrote here I was so frustrated, so angry and trying to do anything, so in summary I was very active in trying to work on my SSM problem.
Now, after having sex once in 4 months, I feel I am not even wanting to start sex anymore. I feel like he won, like I was not able to get the passion back in our marriage and that he sucked the passion away from me too.
The other night I was dreaming about an erotic encounter with this person and as we were kissing and caresing i actually felt passion, real , mind vending melting passion, as I used to have before and even in my dream I though "Hey, I haven't feel this in a loooong time". I feel so cheated.
MSM, I fear this is happening to me too. After nearly 2 years of rejection and frustration, I think something has broken down inside me. I too have been having these passionate dreams, but when I awake, they mean nothing and are quickly forgotten.
I always figured that prolonged exposure to sexual abuse (which is exactly what LD spouses are doing to their HD spouses) would result in some sort of negative effect. Now I know, it really does.
I am very sad to see my drive slipping away. In fact, I hate it. Nevertheless, it seems to be happening.
I feel now that most of my future energy will be directed, not toward repairing my sex life, but toward not resenting my wife for killing something that was once so important to me.
I am very sorry for both of us. What you describe, the trying not to resent your spouse for killing your passion is what I am dealing with now. I know I was the one that "gave this power" to my H, the power of affecting me to this degree, he didn't do it on purpose, he loves me, but nonetheless, he did and I let him.
I am responsible for this too, but sometimes I thing I would have to be superhuman not to hurt so badly when I am rejected yet another time.
The once held believe that my High Libido was going to be such a great asset in a marriage is completely flatten with the truth of my situation. It is not an asset, it is a mayor cause of pain an humilliation for both of us.
I am taking care of myself much more now, concentrating on my job and hobbies. Since the pressure from sex has eased up since I am not interested either, I should be happier shouldn't I? I just feel empty and sad. How did I allow this to happen ? I just can't understand it.
When I was younger , I remember looking at so many passionless marriages around me, so many that were so obviously together for all the wrong reasons. They made me so sad, and I remember saying to myself that I was not going to ever be in a marriage like that... ha! look at me now! I am the best example of what I didn't want.
I will keep on working on my marriage, I just can't face the possibility of a divorce now. I just want to give this my best try, even if now I feel like I am failing .
Quote: I haven't posted for a while, since nothing new was going on really, but now I think I am even loosing my own, my wondelful libido.
Hi, I've created a new name for myself, but I've read and contributed for a while.
My libido has completely gone, too. I don't even think about sex. It never enters my mind; I could care less. I used to be an HD wife married to a LD/ND spouse. By the time we got into counseling and worked through his problems I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Granted the no sex from him was not the sole reason for the depression, but it surely did not help.
I've been on meds since October. I feel better physically (am losing weight), mentally (I can get out of bed and work)and emotionally. I'm getting out and meeting people and am once more interested in my hobbies.
But the libido is gone. Completely. Now . . . if my hubby shows interest and initiates, I won't turn him away. But since he's LD anyway it's not too often. I think it's been about a month or month-and-a-half. So now our sex drives are even.
"I know I was the one that "gave this power" to my H, the power of affecting me to this degree, he didn't do it on purpose, he loves me, but nonetheless, he did and I let him."
I don't like this, nor do I agree with it.
For example, if I walk up to you and punch you in the nose, did you "give me the power" to do that? If you bleed, did you give me the power to make you do so? No!
If I punch you in the nose and you bleed, it is not because you gave me the power, it is because you are a human being and that is what happens to a human being when you punch one in the nose...they bleed.
Sometimes things happen that you cannot control. Being effected by the continual rejection of someone you love has nothing to do with you giving them power. You are effected and you are hurt because you are human. This is what happens to humans when you continually crush their passion....it bleeds out of them. To expect you to be effected differently by this situation would be equivalent to expecting you not to bleed when someone punches you in the nose...it's not realistic, and you should not put that kind of responsibility on yourself.
As far as losing a battle goes, it really depends on what battle you are fighting. Are you trying to save your marriage? or are you trying to save an important part of yourself...your passion?
If you are trying to save your marriage then I would say you are winning, unfortunately, it might end up being a pretty hollow victory. If you are trying to save your passion then you are losing, as am I.
Sorry to hear things aren't improving for you... I had hoped since you hadn't been posting that maybe things had taken a turn for the better.
I think what CV is talking about, and your example are two different things. Getting punched in the nose once is the other person's fault. Getting punched in the nose, twice, by the same person, is your fault -- leaving out stalkers and school yard bullies.
Quote: Sometimes things happen that you cannot control. Being effected by the continual rejection of someone you love has nothing to do with you giving them power.
Sure it does. How long are you going to stand there and let someone abuse you? If the other person can't and won't hear you, how long are you going to disrespect yourself and take it?
You are hurting because someone you think you love is not living up to YOUR expectations. I'm not saying your expectation isn't NORMAL, I'm just saying it is your expectation, and they aren't cooperating with you... and that's where the hurt comes from.
What it sounds like you are saying above is that it is your partner's responsibility to stop the bleeding or at least help stop the bleeding. And I agree with that.
But what happens when they don't or can't? How long are you going to stand there and bleed?
MY expectations have nothing to do with this. You marry a person and expectations become OUR expectations. If one person becomes LD then they are no longer living up to OUR expectations. The idea that you can marry someone and just willy-nilly become a different person and think everything will be ok is ridiculous.
You are correct, in a way LD spouses are stalkers who are punching their loved ones in the nose everyday. Does sticking around while this is happening make me a victim? a chump? No. I care too much about my spouse and my marriage to let something like a few "nosebleeds" end it. However, there is no way in hell I would stick around if my spouse were not actively trying to stop punching me in the nose. I take my vows a bit more serious than that.
Things have indeed gotten somewhat better for us. Nowhere near where OUR expectations are but she is making an effort. This did not really happen though until we stopped trying to figure out all the why's and who's and started focusing on the WHAT.
One more thing, it does not matter who you are or why. If you significantly change during the course of your marriage (and almost everyone will), it had better be in a way that benefits both partners. If not, then YOU destroyed your marriage...all by your little self. Don't feel bad about it, just be a MAN or WOMAN and take responsibility for what YOU have done. Don't try to make yourself feel better by trying to shovel even one little bit of your "stuff" on to your spouse.
Don't think of it as having "lost the battle". No you haven't lost anything, not even your libido, I believe. Its just that when you lack "practise", you don't think about it too much so you think its gone. I am sure that your libido is as normal as ever as mine is. It is funny how deprivation translates into erotic dreams doesn't it? Even our subconscious minds tells us something is missing. I wrote to my H that I had been having some sexy dreams about him and wanted to share it with him someday but as usual he just pretended like he never saw my mail. Ok maybe he didn't really ignore it, he never said anything as usual but he was extra loving and tried to do nice things for me ie acts of service is his love language. Happiness is what we make of it, if we choose to be happy we are. So instead of fretting about it, I was happy to listen to his love language and felt loved. Although I would have preferred if it came along with declarations of love and passionate kisses. Like if he had said something like "Oh you missed me this much, do you, come here you...."
MSM, I hope you can chose to be happy regardless of the SSM in your marriage as I have. I see many positives in my M and in my H and I still have not given up hope. My H recently gave up smoking and I never pressured or nagged him about it. I simply believe in him and give him support whenever he needed it, like a massage every other day to get over the urge to smoke. Similarly, I will not pressure him about the lack of intimacy, though of course I intend to remind him every now and then in a very nice way that it is something I hope for and I believe he will do something about it for us. To truly not pressure a person, you have to truly be comfortable and happy about the sitch yourself otherwise your resentment will show through in some way. So I have chosen the path of happiness. I choose to look for the positives in our M and there are plenty of it. Why, just read at some of the postings in the separated, infedility or other forums and you will realise how good your M is in comparison.
Don't fret, sweat it out or feel unhappy MSM, especially if divorce is not for you and you intend to stay in this M but don't give up and continue to give your H gentle reminders and hopefully you will have the intimacy back in your M one day. At least for me, my H has become very affectionate again and its easier and easier for him to be affectionate and loving towards me when he does not feel the constant pressure for more. And affection for me fills up my love tank 80-90% so I'm not complaining. :grin Good luck to you too.
Good luck to you too.