I am new to all of this. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 5. We have been trying to get pregnant for almost 3 years and have gone thru many infertility treatments. I found out in Sept. that he has been having an affair with a married woman with a baby. He moved out in November to a friends and just told me last week that he got her pregnant and she had an abortion. I am in shock and confused. He said he stills loves me but could never forgive himself for what he has done to me so he thinks he should divorce me and won't come back. In the meantime I found out he has been telling the OW that he is in love with her and wants to move to be with her and her baby. Oh, by the way they also work together. He has told me on a number of occasions that he won't talk to her anymore but still continues to and then lie about it. I just feel like giving up on this marriage. Is there just a point to say no more. I still love him after what he has done and I don't know why. He has been so hurtful. I just don't know what to do anymore, any advice would be great!!
I'll give you some advice a friend gave me. Your husband is lying to you because he is ashamed. Your husband is going through alot. Everyday issues plus infertility, an aborted baby, an OW. He is having a rough a time as you. If you want him to come back listen and practice the DB techniques. Love him unconditionally, don't argue, agree with his feelings, get on with your life and be happy. Don't give up hope. He says he still loves you, which is more than most DB'ers have. He won't ever forgive himself for this act, so you have to accept that, but is that ground for a divorce?
You have a lot to think about. Do you want him back? Do you want to go on with your life?
Thank you so much for your words. I still do love my husband but am having a really hard time with this. I can't sleep or eat. He travels 4-5 days a week with work and still talks to her all the time. Where do I start with the DB techniques. I feel like I have tried them all and none of them work. I had a really bad fight with him on Sunday and told him I never wanted to see him again, he called on Monday to talk to me about business stuff and I told him I couldn't talk to him as long as he was talking to her and he said that was fine that he wouldn't talk to me anymore. I feel like he want's to work things out but he feels to guilty so it would be easier to stay with her. He keeps saying he will go to therapy and then doesn't. Any advice on where to start. I don't think I will hear from him for a long time. He is in so much pain and won't get himself out of it. I have told him that I love him and would work things out but he keeps saying he can't forgive himself for what he's done. I said to him that I believe with therapy we could try and work things out but I am at the end of my rope. Where do I start.
I couldn't eat or sleep either. I lost about 12 kgs down to 52 kgs and look like a skeleton. Every time I turned my back my H talked to the OW. Like you I argued and tried to pressure my H to come back to me. Now I have changed and I am not the same as before. I have noticed the DB techniques working slowly but surely.
Once reading this page you'll discover that you are not using DB techniques right now. Remember no arguing, everything your H does and says is perfectly ok, because you love him unconditionally, also remember no pressure and that means no asking him to end his EA/PA no telling him to go to therapy. If he don't want to talk to you say 'yes ok I understand' and leave it at that. Remember H will never ever forgive himself for what he's done and when he says this say 'Yes I understand that you can never forgive yourself' be sincere and leave it at that. Remember small talk, happy talk. What your doing now isn't working, so change. Do something for yourself. Your H will never go to therapy so forget it. Any pressure to do stuff will just drive him away. Be like you are easy going, happy, relaxed, and you'd prefer to live life with your H, but you don't have to. Don't deny there is a world out there beside your H. Do this and he'll start to remember the person he fell in love with. I contacted old friends to remind me what I was like before I got married and it really helped. Your H is not going to do anything differently right now only you can do things differently.
Like you I was living a nightmare, which I thought I would never wake up from, but have since discovered that you can wake up.
You have to decide if you still want to be with your H, which you didn't mention. What about you? What do you want? Your letters reflect that your reacting to your H and his PA/EA. It sounds like you want him to choose you over her, you love him, but you don't really want to continue your relationship with him.
Hello, Listen don't be so hard on either of you. Just step back, realise that you will be okay with or without him. I know you love him. The best thing to do now is to focus on finding something to make you happy everyday. Something to smile about. H will call you back. The next time be pleasant. Your R or Marriage is not over by any means. I have to run but I'll check on you later. I'm in the Hopefulness forum.
Kim aka KnowledgeIsPower or KIP
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
I would like to try and work things out with my husband but I am beginning to think it is too late. I told him that I don't want to talk to him again until he stops talking to her and he said that's fine he won't call me anymore. I don't know if he does call if I should answer the phone or should I let him miss me for a while. I feel like nothing I do is working. I know the process is slow, but this has been going on for months. While he says he will always love me he also says he has fallen "in love" with OW. He lies to the both of us. I don't want to play a game. Deep in my heart I know we belong together but I don't know how much longer I can do this. I am so sad. I find it hard to do my job. He says that he doesn't know if he could ever work out the marriage because every time he looks at me it reminds him of how much pain he has caused me and how he has ruined my life and he feels so guilty. It makes me mad that he plays the feel sorry for me role when I am the one at home taking care of everything, totally devastated with the situation and he is off traveling and seeing her and her baby. What is the situation with you? Is you H still living with you? How are you handing things?
My H still lives with me. My H is having an EA and PA with an au pair hired to take care of the kids. My H and the OW are both from the same overseas country. She took care of my H and acted like his wife, while I took care of the kids, but she took the credit for that too. She didn't give me a second alone with him the whole time she was here. She has recently left after much persuasion from me. My H said also the he loves the OW in emails. He also wrote that she is the one, that she completes him, that they will be lovers forever, that she is a better Mother and that they will take my kids (I have secured our passports). He thinks I am a manipulating, evil person who lies about everything. He recently told his family that I have had 4 affairs during our relationship. I have never had an affair and I can tell you have never spoken with the devil. At the moment I believe 50% of what I see and NOTHING of what I hear or read on the email.
My H also said numerous times that he was moving out, and has told me to pack my bags at least 4 times. He still lives with me so I have that as proof.
My advice to you is don't believe a word of what he says. He may very well love her right now, but he loved you 10 years.
Every time I turned my back my H was calling, texting or emailing the OW.
After one week of DBing my H said to me that he told the OW not to call so often. This was a big step, because it has actually been followed up by action.
Mind you my H lies all the time. He previously told me he never called her, but I have the telephone bill, which says otherwise amongst other proven lies.
My point is that my H has done a whole lot of really [censored] stuff, which I can never forgive. I did the same stuff you are doing right now which only drove him further away. What do I do now differently, I love him and accept the situation as it is. Im not going to argue with him, I agree with everything he says, I didn't pressure him in any way about anything not even to end the affair, in fact I act as if doesn't matter, but I tell him if asked that he shouldn't expect me to be happy when OW calls. He is his own person, he is not me. I accept now that he doesn't owe me anything. I wouldn't do such a thing, but I don't impose my ideals and don't expect him to live up to anything. Im kind of treating him like a fallen cousin instead of a fallen H.
I think you should call your H. Make sure you have something necessary to talk about (he left his toothbrush does he want to pick it up or should you throw it out, something like that). Make it short and business like. Small, happy talk. Make out like your enjoying having your space and freedom. Don't mention that you said you'd never speak to him again. Act like it doesn't matter. He has been lying and saying things he doesn't mean, so he'll be expecting that you are doing the same. He proberly won't even remember you said it. If you can't talk without arguing then try writing a letter or email. Write about why deep in your heart you belong with him. Thats what I wrote about and it helped a bit. You have to really mean what you say and don't be judgemental or tell him that you need him or love him. I also wrote what I'd be doing in 5 years time, with or without him, but that I'd like him to be there if he wanted to. That seemed to help too. I could't have a telephone conversation without arguing, pressuring, either. So writing really helped.
I spoke to his mother last night, who called me knowing he wasn't at home. She said his father was a sailor with a woman in every port and the stuff he was doing to me was the same as what his father did to her. Belittling making me feel worthless accusing me of cheating etc etc. So I was in a panic last night thinking he'll be like his father and he'll always be cheating and lying and making me feel like [censored]. Luckily the DBing books arrived today and told me otherwise.
You should commend yourself for being so strong that you didn't run off and turn your back in the face of adversity, but don't on the other hand condemn your H. I would concentrate on something else.
Why do you think you two are destined to be together? What makes you better than the OW? (those two questions I asked myself)
My thought of the moment
Pride is when you have embraced the hardships along the way to your goal.
Hi How are you going? Have you gotton anywhere with H and OW?
I'm trying a radical reverse psychology technique. I told my H that I had thought about all the things he said and that if he really hates to be with me and loves someone else then I wouldn't stand in his way.
I really want him to stop speaking to the OW and it seems he is oppossed to all my suggestions, hence reverse psychology.
I hope it works. Wish me luck, cause I'm so afraid it could just push him out the door.
I know how you feel. My H is so up and down. I told him I never wanted to speak to him again and he called every day and then I was nice to him and he hasn't called in days and is actually working in the same state as OW but claims he is not going to see her again, yet I know he will. It's so frustrating to deal with the lying all the time. I am really just working on myself, I guess that's easier with not having any kids. I have been going out alot lately. I love my husband with all my heart but it is really nice to have a random stranger tell you that you look hot!! I am dying for affection and to be loved. Is that sad? Why is it that we can love our H so much and they don't want us. I think letting go is a good thing. I know how hard it is but just go out and have fun. Don't have any expectations of anything. I think what you did was great. I just had a phone consult with a DB Coach and she said don't bring up the OW, if you talk to him just pretend like she is not in the picture. If you don't bring it up maybe it won't be such a big deal and he will get bored. They always want what they can't have. Make yourself unavailabe, which I know is hard. I always would answer the phone and then we would talk and it would hurt me even more. I would be happy to email you directly or call you if you want to talk. Believe me I know how painful this is but just keep in mind what your goal is and stick to that. Good luck and please keep in touch.
