As always, thank you all for keeping me sane when I begin to go crazy. I was reading Getting Back Together, and these thoughts seem normal, but one piece of advice was to take it one day at a time and the past is past. I can't sit on the fence and make alternative plans while trying to get back together. So I need to trust that the statement he made is true. What do I have to lose? If he bugs out on me again, so be it, but if I accept it as true and it happens, then we all win.
Ellie, I think this is time for the act as if and make his mood match mine. I have done it a few times, but I begin to slip back into old habits. A new R is what I think we both crave. I've been fearful to get excited about vacation plans, scared that what happened last time will repeat itself, but I think I'm going to join him in making the plans and get excited about them. Expect positive results, not negative.
Steve, I've missed you! Thanks for always boosting me up. I need to remember what he said and trust that it isn't just words, but that he will work at this. I'm probably a bit impatient, I think we've been at this for so long, but what is another year? Maybe less, if we are lucky.
Totite, I have read DR, not DB, and I have told him that. I'm getting a copy of DB to see what it says, how things are phrased and I like your idea. I am stressing about the small things, need to let them go and enjoy what there is.
Pam--Hi! I'm going to try and do it.
KAW, don't you love the twist, he telling me all about DB! I don't know how involved he thinks I am with it, but he knows I've made friends here. And I like that his therapist likes the book, that sounds so promising. The last time we tried therapy, the T said she hated the book. I need to engage him in conversation that hunts for solutions and nuture the things he is doing.
Manisha, you always have such great insight. We talked about the weekend and he has the same fears I do, he thought I wasn't having a good time on Friday and his mood changed (though, I would argue that one, but I didn't). I need to trust him to find his way back, I think that is great advice. I have to choose to trust him to do the right thing.
Oh no, Berto, you think he can be backsliding already! Or possibly it is me backsliding.
Nik, I have to continue on the get a life routine. My current life is so caught up in kids and house, that I really don't have much of a life outside it.
Mockers, If he has a desire to try, than I need to focus on that, not the fears I have, but the postivies we are expericing.
I am still so fearful, he came for dinner last night and we talked a bit about the weekend, he took some of the clothes he had brought here back to his place. He is going to stay there the next three nights and then we planned a family activity for Thursday night. He invited me to his T session next Wednesday. Very keen to meet the T. I know he is trying, but when he smiles at me or says ILY, the smile doesn't reach his eyes, it seems flat, forced. Where the earlier part of last week, it wasn't. Are these fluctuations normal? Will there be a period when I'm confident in what he says is so?
I need to let go of my "here we go again" mentality if this is going to work. I was upbeat when he came over for dinner and had music playing and did my best to be positive.
You sound great and full of energy, I'm happy for you. You look as if you are doing a great job and I'm sure you will have your H back soon. You have a decent challenge in front of you but I think that you've been through the horrible parts already.
Keep it going, you can do it!
Berto
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
Love your attitude today - positive thinking is powerful isn't it?
You know, I decided a long time ago that I was going to keep the mindset that my H and I will work this out eventually. (Much to the chagrin of my MIL and others who see the glass half empty - not 2/3 full like I do - )
If, for some reason, that it doesn't work out, I won't hurt any less - so I'm going for it with everything I've got.
That is what makes being patience easier. I let myself talk in future tense with my H. I plan everything with him in mind as always whether it be household stuff, kid stuff, family activities, whatever...
Now, life isn't perfect (if it were I wouldn't be here - LOL!) and there are moments of uncertainty, sadness and all of those other emotions, but I can deal with them.
Try it - like you said, what have you got to lose? And you have everything to gain.
I find that this attitude keeps me from stressing out, it makes me more natural when H is around, and that keeps him happier too.
You go girl!
(I may copy this to my own thread - just as a reminder to myself - LOL!)
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Tell me more about the "Getting Back Together" book. I never read the copy I got from the library and now they say it is lost. Should I go out and buy the book?
I recommend, "Communication Miracles for Couples." That's the latest book I am reading. Has LOTS of good ideas, etc...
Berto & Totite, I was surprised to see you think I'm so positive, I don't feel that way, but maybe I'm slowly moving in that direction. I'm still annoyed at him at the Pinewood Derby thing, thought he should have put the focus on S, not him, but I'm starting to wonder if I just assumed he was doing that, if I quickly fell back into the old patterns of how things were that I quickly made that ASSumption.
Looking at what Sage is doing, made me think if the things I get annoyed with H are those things that I don't like about myself. If I'm too much of a perfectionist and I'm not letting H work though things and I'm too quick to find the "proof" that he really isn't working on things. Maybe he was wise to retreat to his place for a few days, gives me some time to think and get my mind back in the right frame to get things accomplished.
I need to let go of the weekend and look towards the next weekend. It didn't work out and possibly because I had expectations I didn't voice and made assumptions I didn't verify. Oh, could it be me who is also at fault?
Nik, Getting Back Together is very similar to DB, but worded differently. There are a lot of journaling excercises that I really need to do that try and get you thinking about what you need at this stage of your life, try to figure out what triggers both of you into downward spirals and where things went wrong. It doesn't give a lot of ideas on what to do, but does get you thinking about what you really want and need in a realtionship. I'll look up the one you are reading.
Patience, such a simple word, but one that becomes harder to apply.
H was to take the kids last night, but he had a horrible day at work and wanted to come over here and talk. So he brought over the soup he had made for dinner, we put the kids to bed and then talked about work as he helped me strip the wallpaper.
We also talked about his T session and the pinewood weekend. We came up with a few things we could have done differently and the T also told him that if we emphasize to S about good sportsmanship we should demonstrate it. As I think about it, it is one thing that got me so mad, was that the whole thing turned out to be about H, how his car did, what he did and how it failed and not about S. I didn't think bringing that up would do me any good at this point, so I kept silent.
H didn't spend the night. He said that he is afraid of rushing things, but will stay Friday and Saturday while the kids are at his parents and we are painting a few rooms. I told him I would prefer he would want to stay the night, but it was fine if he felt he needed to leave. I'm tired of not saying what is on my mind, feel I've been a bit of a wimp the last year, and I know he is feeling anxious about all this, so thought I'd just put it all out there. No pressure, just simple statements. Also told him when he moves back he can take over cooking responsibilites for a few nights as he really seems to enjoy making his soups.
So small steps. His smiles still don't reach his eyes, that bothers me, as he still seems very unhappy.
do you talk to him much about his car? I bet he'd like that. be like marissa tomei in "my cousin vinnie"!
he knows you have too much ammo about his recent behaviour and he will be scared too that you will bring up his past actions. did that make any sense. remember "fear not" is in the bible 365 times!!
Talk to him about whatever it is he likes....but then try to interest him in things you like, too....if you do something he likes and talk about something he likes then suggest doing something you like or start talking about something you like...then he just might be in a good enough mood to join in with you and your interests....it never hurts to try...and do try to enjoy yourself when you talk about stuff he likes and do stuff he likes..make it fun!
I don't know, a subaru and minivan are just not that exciting to talk about. Now if I got my mini....
You know, you two do bring up a good point, so many of our conversations are just about work, we need to develop some other areas of interest!
H called yesterday about lunch. I had sent him an email in the beginning of the week asking him out to lunch, but no response. Had almost sent a snippy email, about guess that is a no, when he called and asked. Went and had a pleasant lunch.
Had a nice evening and he said, I WANT to spend the night. So he stayed here and gave me a hard time because I wasn't up for , too much fried food at the farm show.
The kids are going to his parents this weekend and we are painting. Hoping to escape Sat night and do something fun. He wants to paint all weekend, but think we deserve some rest.
Goal for weekend: Have fun and only R talk if he brings it up. Just joke around and keep the goal of fun in my mind if anything comes up.
)
, too much fried food at the farm show.