First let me thank all of you who have been thinking about me and checking up on me! I so appreciated it! Second let me apologize for being a “lurker” for the past several weeks. Please know that I have been reading the many amazing things that have been happening. So many lessons to learn and I think that is really what I needed. Time to reflect on my sit, while learning from the challenges and successes of others. I do feel bad that I was unable to lend support during many of your times of need. Also let me apologize for being selfish, as that is what is prompting me back out of “lurkerville”. I am now in need of your support and advice. I do hope that those of you who are in a place to give to others will offer up some support and advice and I’m certain a couple 2x4’s are needed.
Let me give a brief update to catch everyone up with where we are in sit.
Right after Thanksgiving he was offered a new job within his company. That would be great except it is in Seattle, we live in CA. He called to ask me to get together to ask my option of whether to accept the job or not. We took an overnight trip and had a good time. After that we were seeing each other about once a week and he was contacting me more. One morning I let the doubts creep in and started asking questions such as “is there anyone in your life?” Found out that there is no one who he is physical with but that they are friends. This is the OW, now just a friend and it was a mutual decision to change the R. He is not happy discussing. Flat out told me that he finds me more attractive when I am not discussing these things, just being myself. He said I could have ML to him 2 times by now instead of talking about that crap. Lesson there to be learned.
We are together a couple more times before the Christmas holiday. We have a GREAT time each time. He took me shopping one night to buy me a winter coat for my Christmas present. The was totally uninhibited and it felt like we gave ourselves to each other in a way we never had before. The connection was unbelievable.
He was preparing to leave for Seattle and had a lot of issues to deal with, packing, movers, new job, meeting the staff, wrapping up his responsibilities here etc. One night he got up at 3:00 am and couldn’t sleep. I knew there was no more snuggling and he had other things on his mind, so I happily gathered my things and left. As I was leaving he in a really fun voice said, “ya know, I think I like you”. I smiled and told him that I liked him too!
All seems to be progressing along well. I think I’m keeping my expectation to zero.
Then comes Christmas. I told him that we were going to open presents on Christmas eve as oldest son would go to his GF family on Christmas Day. At first he told me that he didn’t think he would be able to make it back until CD. Then on CE he calls and asks if I can pick him up at the airport that night. GREAT! Sure I can pick you up. Then someone needs to take him back to his house. OK Can do that too. After we hang up, I start wondering… how did you get to the airport? Why didn’t you drive yourself? When he gets in the car I ask Isn’t your car at the airport? He just says that if it was would he have needed me to pick him up? No mention of how he got there. Makes me wonder what he has to hide? We open presents and it is nice. Seems almost like a real family. I take him home and I am just very quiet. He asks why. Well gee H, its CE and I am taking you to your house instead of being together. I was very emotional. I talked R. What I wanted, what I was feeling. He did not share his feelings. I know it was not a good time. That was the last time I saw him before he left permanently for Seattle. Not a good last memory.
I talked to his sister on CD and she said that when H was visiting at TG, H had asked her what she thought of me and H. SIL said that he is a fool not to snatch me up. That she loved me and always would. She thought I was his best friend and have always supported him and been there from him. Right after that he started contacting me more.
Me, both sons and oldest sons GF were leaving the day after Christmas to visit my parents in another state. They live in the middle of nowhere so I did not have cell phone reception there. We played message tag a few time over the next week.
The first time I spoke to him was on Monday of this week. He was upset. Said I made promises that I haven’t kept. That for years my mother influenced our kids and I never stood up for H. That I have told the kids information about our relationship that do not present him in a positive light and now have done nothing to repair that damage.
I explained the status of the things that he felt I was not keeping up with. And there were things that I needed to get back to him on and sent him an email with that information.
Yesterday I get an email saying to send him email to his work account as he is shutting down his hotmail account. Why would he do that?
Last night I went to dinner with a GF. On my way home I called him just to say hi and told him that I went to dinner, got VM. My GF asks real hard questions and I told him some of our conversations. A little bit later he called back H: who did you go to dinner with W: my friend K__ H: do I know her? W: I don’t think so H: Is she married? W: no, she is dating my ex boss H: your next in line there W: no H: you had a thing for him W: no H: he likes you W: no H: your pretty defensive about it. H: why would you be defensive? H: makes you seem guilty
More like this. I do get defensive when he asks like this. I feel like I’m already guilty and no matter what or how I say it he won’t believe me. At one point he flat out accused me of lying.
I think IMHO, this is our biggest stumbling block. He desperately wants me to admit to doing something with someone. Here is where I would really appreciate EVERYONES opinion on.
He has had one nightstand during our M and has dated an OW during our Separation.
How do I handle this? How do I create an environment of trust? How do I let him know he doesn’t need to feel guilty? How do I let him know that I have been faithful and have him believe me?
I have thought about sending a letter. But I think we really need to TALK about it. Is having a TALK a good thing? We need to resolve this issue.
I really need some input here folks. Thank you in advance! I feel like we were making progress, then BAM backwards we go.
I went through the experience you are going through right now. I felt the same way that you are feeling right now. I wanted to prove to my husband that I had not done that. I was frantic about it. Tried the talking and the letter writing and the whole nine yards.
Finally I just took it to the Lord and told him about it. This is the response that I got back. Stop defending yourself. Stop trying to prove that you didn't do this. You know in your heart that you didn't do this and that he is talking from guilt from what he has done. Until he faces what he has done, he will continue down this path. The next time he says that to you, just simply say I'm sorry that you feel that way or that you were given that impression by me.
The thing of it is, is that he feels guilty for what he has done. In order to get rid of his guilt, he is going to put it at your feet to see if you are going to take it away from him. You can not take his guilt away from him. This is something that he has to deal with because this is something that he has done. He is reaping what he has sown.
He distrusts you because he was unfaithful and until he comes to terms with that, he will continue to blame you for what he did. I have been there and done that. I tried with everything inside of me to prove otherwise and he would have none of it. He knew and still does know that I did not do that. There is nothing that I can do that is going to ease his pain that he is going through. The only way that he is going to ease his pain and his mistrust is by repenting of what he has done to me. Not what I did to him.
The same is in your case. What are you going to say that is going to make him feel any better about what he has done to you? Not a thing because he has not repented of what he has done. He does not realize that the guilt and fear that he is feeling is do to his own actions. He thinks that you are going to be able to take that away from him by admitting that you did something that you did not do.
So my suggestion, is to take it to the Lord and pray about. Ask the Lord to lead him in the right direction and help him to learn how to forgive himself for what he has done. Give him the strength to work through the consequences for what he has done. If he has already asked for forgiveness, then this is a part of the consequences for what he has done and he is going to have to go through it in order to not make the same mistake.
My H would accuse me of that also, but just like Vinlad says "it's his problem" I would relax about it, next time H brings it up say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave at that, end of conversation. Don't explain, don't try to make H see something he cannot see or will not see. YOU know it's not true, so that is the important thing..IMHO.
Quote: Yesterday I get an email saying to send him email to his work account as he is shutting down his hotmail account. Why would he do that?
Because he doesn't want OW emailing him anymore?
Quote: think IMHO, this is our biggest stumbling block. He desperately wants me to admit to doing something with someone. Here is where I would really appreciate EVERYONES opinion on.
Very common alien behavior - because they feel guilty, they think YOU might be capable of betrayal too. When my H came back, he started asking me all about the numbers on my cell phone (of course I didn't know what they were, because they were all completely innocent things like calls from the orthodontist, plumber, mechanic, etc.!). The thing is, it was completely ridiculous, because I've NEVER looked at another man since I met my H. Just his guilt coming out. So I say approach it simply - "no, I've never cheated, I've never wanted to cheat, I love you only. Period." Then ignore it.
Quote: How do I handle this? How do I create an environment of trust? How do I let him know he doesn’t need to feel guilty?
Quit asking about the OW. Quit having R talks except to talk about how you'd like to move forward to a new R. Validate his concerns when he brings them up. Be upbeat, happy, fun when you see him. Offer to go visit him in Seattle for a weekend of you-know-what Do lots of 180's and get a really intewresting life for yourself.
I agree with the others, he is projecting his guilt on you. I don't know what talking or letter writing would accomplish, sounds like it would be more of the same.
I like the simple statement, don't defend yourself or explain. It is your actions that will show him what he needs to know. How you talk about him to others, to the children, that will filter back.
Keep it simple, conversations light hearted, and stop his train of thought with the I'm sorry you feel that way, you are the only one I love. I think some time will let him work through this negative wave of thoughts he is having.
And Ellie's idea of a visit to Seattle seems like a good one, it sounds like when you have the weekends away it always goes well.
Oh Vinlad Thank you so much for your wise words. That is exactly what I needed to hear and do. I appreciate you taking the time to explain it so carefully and clearly. I can see where this is a circular conversation we have been having for a long time. He has been giving me his guilt, thinking his is feeling better. I am the willing recipient. This is definatly a cycle that HB wrote of. I will be breaking that cycle!!
Cathy- thanks for catching up with me and it's good to be back! I'm looking forward to you making a path for those of us who are behind you to follow! You have done such a wonderful job in how you have handled yourself. WONDERFUL!
Hi kml~
Quote: Because he doesn't want OW emailing him anymore?
That was my thought, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. I wanted toask sooooo bad! But I didn't even bring it up again! Yeah me! Thanks for stopping by kml, drop in anytime.
Jackie's back too! Thanks for the encouragement! I sure need it. Trying real hard to tell myself that it is possible to DB from 2 states away. It was a challenge before, now it has just taken on a whole new layer.
I need to keep myself very busy this weekend. Who is the first person he invites to Seattle? A M friend of his who worked for him in CA. M friend is single...
Hi Water, It's so nice to see you! I agree w/what the others have said. Keep yourself from getting angry and defensive and end the convo. in a quick and short way. No, I have not...period. I had these issues with my h where I was very jealous and insecure and constantly wanted reassurance. My c told my h that him reassuring me is reinforcing the insecurity and that I need to be able to reassure myself.
So maybe, you can not even ANSWER him when he says these things but tell him that you are not willing to discuss these things with him as he needs to trust you. (or someway diplomatically.) Doing a 180 and experimenting with diff. approaches sounds like a good idea.
hope to see you again soon! i've been thinking about you.
Quote: had these issues with my h where I was very jealous and insecure and constantly wanted reassurance. My c told my h that him reassuring me is reinforcing the insecurity and that I need to be able to reassure myself.
Last night H called and we talked for a while. Both kids were gone most of the day and into the night. I told him that I had the house to myself and he said "you should call someone and get l*id." I told him no, I was waiting for the good stuff with him. He said, so you've had the bad... He said it in a joking tone, but I wonder how much I am feeding his insecurities??? I think I'm flirting with him, but maybe I need to alter my approach.
Later in the conversation it came up that I was alone most of the weekend and I told him too bad he wasnt here as we could have on the pool table. He seemed more receptive to that comment. Maybe because it was more specific about him?
Thoughts? Am I on the right track or is flirting in that manner just too much at this point?
He did mention that he is not sure if he was going to stay in Seattle this coming weekend or come down here. I didn't mention anything about picking him up or staying here. Go with the flow and keep swimming!
He called me both Sat and Sun. His single M friend was visiting all weekend. My overactive imagination almost had him in some sort of orgy, when reality they visited friends 82 yr old aunt on Sat night. And he called me about 9:30pm and we talked for about 20 min. It was a nice conversation.
He called on Sunday night too. If he wants to talk to the kids he will usually call them on their cell phones. That night though he called the house phone. He and I talked for about 15 min and we were laughing. It was a good conversation. He said he went to church which is not a normal occurance. Then he talked to both kids. Just like a dad calling his family??
No contact on Monday
Tues night I called him, got VM. I left him a message, just some little things that I am doing at work etc. No return call.
I had planned on no contact until he called. I know he is very busy with new position and all. Plus trying to give him his space.
I couldn't do it though, I called him this morning on my way to work. Got VM again. Left a very short I know your really busy and have a good day message. He called me back a few min later and we talked for just a couple min.
I was smiling and happy as I talked.
I don't have any idea where we are with each other. I'm not sure on how much to contact him.
I am feeling frustrated.
I feel like I am standing on one side of the an open door and by walking through the door means to committ and he is not to that point but maybe he is at least turning around to look at the door.
Is there anything I could be doing at this point to help?
Just keep being a friend and give your H space. You can't force your H to go anywhere. This is on his timeline. Sorry I'm not much help, but pushing your H will get you nowhere, believe me.
But I didn't even bring it up again! Yeah me! Thanks for stopping by kml, drop in anytime.