How can you tell if S is coming around?

[ChristineE]

Hi everyone!

I usually post over in Newcomers, but I wanted to get some feedback.

What were the first signs that S was coming around? How did you know that things had turned around?

I don't know if my H has turned his attitude around or if I have gone totally bonkers! I don't want to mess up a good thing by asking him, so I wanted to get some feedback from others who have been there.

Christine

[Livnlearn]

Hello Christine

I just speed read through your previous threads, and boy, have you had a wierd time! Going on your 'honeymoon' with your H's decision that he will D you right afterwards????? It would all seem funny, if it weren't so ghastly and stressful.

I can identify with so many of those strange behaviours, only when I experienced them pre bomb, I was totally naive and unsuspecting. My H could sure make a nasty situation out of thin air too. I used to ask him why he behaved like a bear with a sore head, or had he got out of the wrong side of the bed that morning? (In my ignorance I chipped in with my reactionary bad behaviour as well, you can imagine some of the scenes we had!) He too has gone from a self avowed cigarette smoke hater to a cigar and pipe smoking chimney! He also talked about how there were going to be changes, oh yes!! Even my clothes sense was bad - when I told someone that, she laughed like a drain, as H's clothes sense is hardly noted. And even OW dresses like a hippy, none of our friends are exactly from the smart set... Anyway, I know you didn't ask for just more of this "My H is/was the same" kind of stuff.

I can't advise on your situation as my H left home. While you and H are living in the same house with this going on must be very difficult, but gives you ample opportunity to DB. On the other hand, I stumbled across DBing about seven months after he left, and have only been DBing the last few weeks - under two months.

One thing EVERYONE advises, especially to newcomers, is to have vast stores of patience. I am sure you will get people stopping by before long to give you advice. Good Luck.

Livnlearn

[RMC]

HI CE!

I think I remember you if my memory serves me right.

Feel free to come over here any time! There's alot of great people on here.

Some signs your H is coming around is that he'll want to talk to you and be with you more.

There won't be the anger in his voice, and you'll just be able to tell he's interested in you. The best thing you can possibly do now is KEEP LIVING YOUR OWN LIFE.

If he's calling you, DO NOT take all his calls.(hard, I know!)
I know it will be tempting, but if he's just starting to come around you have to entice him and the best way to do that is to not always be available to him.

Don't ask me why, but men what what they can't have.
They like a woman that is a challenge.

I'm pretty much an expert at what DOSESN'T work, so I'm telling you all the things I'm doing now.(better late than never!)

You have to be somewhat detached from him, and by that I mean BE INDEPENDENT.
The last thing a man wants is a woman that is clingy, or whiney. DON NOT try to talk to him about your R.
You'll know when things are on a more solid ground when to do that.

Don't ask questions. Just be amazingly fun to be around and treat him as though he were your very best friend.
Don't be fake-he'll see right through it.

Be what he fell in love with.
When your together-be the first one to leave.
DON'T call him to do things, or to talk.

Leave all that for him.
If your not together much, make the very most of when you are together.

Write down goals for yourself-and I mean FOR YOURSELF. This is IMPORTANT TO DO.

Example. Some of my goals are:

1.Go back to school and keep my GPA up.
2. Go out with friends more and have fun
3. Spend quality time with my family and more time with my
brothers
4. Continue to lose weight and exercise
5. Quit Smoking altogether (I don't smoke much)
6. Do some remodeling in the house.
7. Take a Yoga class
8. Entertain more at my house. (I'd completely stopped that)
9. Continue to DB and be a good friend to my H.

Things like that. Notice how almost all those things are for ME. They make me feel better about me, and make me more attractive to my H at the same time.

READ all you can. People always suggest good reading that pertain to working on ourselves and our M.
Get the book "Why Men Love Bitches."
It's not what it sounds like. It is awesome and you'll have a whole new outlook on how to be attractive to your H.

LISTEN to the people on here that have success stories, and this is a good place to come and read about them.

BE patient. Let things happen as they will. It can take a LONG time even though they SEEM to be coming out of their craziness. It will happen slowly.

Hang in there and take care of YOU first and you'll feel so much better. Try to not think about all this 24/7.
Have as much fun as you possibly can-it will help take your mind off your M some.

Glad you stopped in and good Luck ChristineE! Rachael

[ChristineE]

Thank RMC and livenlearn for your feedback. It really is appreciated. What I'm struggling with here is the question of whether my H's softening is the result of his having a small change of heart or if it is because he doesn't want to rock the boat right before filing for D. I don't know how to tell and I don't want to initiate any R talks.

Here's another question for anyone who has survived A. I spoke to a therapist and she said that my H can never be intimate with me as long as he carries the secret of A. I have never confronted him and I think A is over. She said that, in his mind, it would be easier to get a D than to tell me or admit anything. H can cause all kinds of problems to justify a D, but how does he justify A in his mind. She used this analogy: What if you knew a secret that would really hurt a friend that you were going to have lunch with? You have lunch but you don't tell her anything. Would you behave normally or would you hold back a little? Any thoughts from A survivors would be great!

Christine

[ChristineE]

My H told me tonight that he is moving out in Feb. I have been Dbing for 2 months and thought that things were working out, but I was wrong.

Is there anyone here in piecing that has had these similar circumstances and still was successful? OW, H wants a D, says that there is no chance and will not go to C, says that there is no attraction and keeps saying that there is no chance.

I'm sorry. I'm usually really upbeat, but I feel vulnerable and wondered if there were any reassurances.

Christine

[Livnlearn]

What I'm struggling with here is the question of whether my H's softening is the result of his having a small change of heart or if it is because he doesn't want to rock the boat right before filing for D. I don't know how to tell and I don't want to initiate any R talks.

Hello Christine

First let me just qualify again that I speak as a Newbie!

Christine, it may just be that H doesn't really know exactly what he wants himself. Sure, he says he wants a D, but that COULD be because he has mentioned it before and feels he has to stay with it. Or, it could be because he wants one at this stage, but who knows, NOTHING in this world is static.

So my advice would be to carry on the principles you have learned in DBing (you will be benefitting from them yourself anyway!) and don't be too quick to help the D along. Wait for your H to initiate things on that front.

As for initiating R talks, if you have made yourself clear to H in so many words before, that you DON'T want a D, then he will already know that. I sent my H a note (about my still wanting our M back) as I had detached so completely I had 'moved on' and told him so, before finding DB and DR. So I wanted to make sure he knew what was in my mind. But I am keeping it to that one note and leaving it to him to initiate any R talk.

Hey, don't we all sound so wise on other people's threads?? I will have to follow my own advice very soon, H wants to 'talk' to me...

Christine, I invite you to visit my thread at "Newbie Piecer needs advice and encouragement" to read a recent long post by KAW about the time it takes to turn things around. Very good posting.

Cheers!

Livnlearn

[missy10]

Christine: Have you ever read any of RandyH's threads? His wife had someone else, moved out, they even divorced but she has (after 3 years) moved back home and are working on their relationship ever so slowly. I agree - let him do all the leg work and you need to go on working on you. There is nothing you can do to convince him to stay - he needs to get through this time on his own. I'm sorry - I know you want to shake him to make him wake up but I agree with the author - his guilt is killing him right now. He needs to face that guilt head on by himself and deal with it before he can really make things right with you - my opinion.

Missy

[ChristineE]

Many thanks, Missy. I will go read RandyH now.

I'm trying to grasp any thread of hope here. I don't need guarantees...just some of examples of others who have been successful with a completely reluctant S who is "sure" of D.

Any others who have gone the distance?

Christine

[missy10]

Christine: TonyP is another example - his wife had OM, moved out to be with him, almost to the point of Divorce and she has come back to him. He is on Piecing now - check his thread out too.

Missy

[ChristineE]

My H is behaving nicer than ever!!!

Since Jan 1, my H has started to soften and not be so reactive. He was terrible to be with for awhile. He would cause conflicts out of thin air. Then it appeared that he really was making an effort to be nice. I thought that maybe he had made a New Year's resolution to be nice to me and to work things out. Well, I was wrong (?).

On Wednesday, my H said that he had plans to move out in Feb. Things seemed back to square one. Then our lives continued as if he never even said that. In fact, things are really going well between us. It's as if the old H has returned! He is kind an considerate and his foul moods seem to have disappeared. I believe that the A has fizzled out. We spend all of our free time together and that time is great.

Has anyone ever encountered this? I thought that the S was supposed to start emotionally distancing themselves. My H seems very nuch emotionally connected to me. He seems to be acting even better since he told me that he is leaving. Could he be having a change of heart? Is he relieved now that he has told me? I don't understand how things can be so good and yet he is leaving me? Does anyone have any experience with this?

Christine