My own thread...my sordid story.

[CMNM]

O.k., here is my story in the briefest way possible…
H and I got married at 19. We had our first son a little over a year later, 2 more to follow in the next 6 years. We moved around quite a bit as he was in the military.
Both of us have always just had one foot in the marriage. I know that my ambivalence was from a lack of security and feeling loved. So, I did the completely WRONG thing- I made myself as unlovable as possible (whiny, needy, dependant), and wondered why he didn’t respect me.
But still we plodded on… problems here and there, but for the most part I think we got along better than most people we knew!
Shortly before our 10th anniversary, I found out he had an OW for about a year. I was totally clueless to this! Honestly, he was always home!!! He told me about it when I expressed extreme unhappiness with our R. He said it was over, that he needed to come clean. I spent the next few months being harassed by this OW (letters, copies of phone receipts, etc.) I felt like he fed me to the wolves on that one- he was convinced she couldn’t have done such a thing…I felt hung out to dry. His reason for the A? He felt that I was “too good for him, and he wanted someone more on his level.” (?????)
We went to counseling, but moved across country after a few sessions. I was not ready for counseling anyway. I have a very sharp tongue, and as far as I was concerned, I was there to show off my verbal skills and nothing else. What a waste.
Things were o.k. for the next few years. If you ask me, that is! According to H, I verbally abused him to no end for his “indiscretion.” He took it, because he felt as though he deserved it, but inside he was boiling mad. Looking back, I know that when I felt insecure I brought it up, hoping to hear some words of security. When that didn’t happen, I started a fight, knowing we would make up afterwards and I would get what I needed that way.
After a while, this stopped working. H just totally withdrew from me. I’m sure I stepped up my efforts- you know, “more of the same.” Finally, I think I just withdrew too.

Enter fun and exciting friend of the family. Suddenly my life meant something! (I’m being sarcastic- I may have felt this then, but see it for what it really was now). He couldn’t get enough of what I had to say. And, he said all of the things I wanted to hear. Suddenly, I was funny, and smart, and beautiful! This was so much easier than actually doing the work to make myself that way! So, I started a PA. It is the biggest regret of my life. I don’t even know why I went through with it. I think I just wanted to see if things were different with someone who thought so highly of me! (They weren’t). Once in this mess, I had a hard time extracting myself from it. It had dawned on me that it was no one else’s job to make me feel good but mine! Last Jan. I got every self-help book our library had and worked on making me better. I stopped the PA, but stupidly kept up occasional talks with the OM. Of course, H found out. This happened just this past March.

Immediately, H told me to get out, he wanted a D. I did everything wrong- cried, begged, pleaded…. He wouldn’t budge. He said that he finally felt good about us (due to the MASSIVE changes I had made), but was seeing that anything I did was out of guilt, not out of wanting our R to work. (NOT TRUE!) Then, one day he said he’d like to give us a shot. He wouldn’t guarantee anything, but he wanted to work on “us.” Well, I guess we got busy with our lives and just didn’t do the work.

In Aug., H came to me and said he couldn’t do this, he wanted a D. Once again, the tears started. This turned him off totally. He was disgusted with me, told me to get strong because I would need to be. He said that he didn’t love me, doubts that he ever did in the right way, and knew what it was I wanted, but just never felt like giving it to me. Yet, he stuck around for 2 months! On Halloween night (for weeks he kept saying he was leaving, yet never did), I looked into his e-mail and found a letter from a co-worker that was not your typical co-worker correspondence. I packed his suitcase for him, and asked him to leave. Even this took 2 more days! In this time we had some great conversations- he even remarked that he had never felt like we were capable of this. Much to the agony of our 3 sons (17, 14, 11), he finally left. One week passed with him semi-away- I say this because just about every day consisted of a visit to the boys or a call. He even asked me to set up an IM account so we could correspond. 8 days after he left we went to dinner. I asked it he would ever be coming home. He said, “probably not.”
The next afternoon he called and asked to come home. He said “no guarantees, but he would try.”

So, here we are now. We started counseling in Nov. Not real sure about this yet. My counselor assured me that she read the DB books and believed in them. I don’t see it this way. I am thinking of chatting about this at my next app’t. The bad thing is that H has realized that he has lots of “issues” to deal with, and he likes this C! He has many family problems, and he feels like he is ready to deal with them. In fact, he said he will not work on us until he gets thru that. So, according to him, our R is “on hold” for now.

Where I stand:
Who knows??? He still hasn’t said he loves me in months. He took off his ring back then and it is still off. He says the co-worked was just a friend who was listening to what he needed to say. He has since promised to keep all personal talk between us and the C.

Positives:
He started sleeping in our bed after 2 weeks on the couch after returning home in Nov.
We ML occasionally.
He has, in the last week, started calling me “baby” again.
He has started doing little affectionate things.
He spoke to me yesterday about how he is going to re-do the office in our home.
He came to me last week and said that he knew that my changes were real, not just a ploy, and it was important that he tell me that. He also added that he didn’t want it to turn into a R talk, that was all he had to say. (And he’s not even a Dber!!!)

We had dinner together the other night, and he once again said that there were no guarantees. He just wanted to work on being friends right now.

I know that I have screwed up, (we both have), but I love this man more than anything. He may sound like a jerk on paper, but he’s honestly the best guy and best dad I have ever met. My heart is aching because we have had such a wonderful last two weeks….then, this morning, he left for work without saying a word. Haven’t heard from him since. Man, I’m so confused!

[Underdog]

Pamela,

Rock on! Glad you finally started your own thread where we can learn all about you. Your company on my thread has always been welcome... now I'm going to look forward to coming to visit you in your place.

You know I don't need to say this, but I will. Your baby steps should speak for themselves.

Remember: you didn't get this way quickly, so you're not coming out of it quickly either. Patience, friend. Lots of it.

I think you guys are just guilty of what lots of us here are: withholding and guarding ourselves fully to protect our hearts. You realize that what it does is build a great big, stone wall in between you. That wall is what prevents either one of you from committing fully and allowing intimacy and healing.

So what are your goals to help knock that damned thing down?

This is not a 2x4, Pamela. God knows, I'm still hacking away at ours with a butter knife... one day, I'm going to hit a really soft spot in the mortar and some bricks are gonna fall...

Pamela, working at being friends is a wonderful start. Being friends is the best possible foundation for you. So, would you agonize your day away if a friend left without calling? My bet is he was preoccupied with something... and think if you're patient and not initiating that discussion, he will tell you later.

Patience!!! (And hugs, of course)

Betsey

[CMNM]

Betsey,
Damn you're quick! How did you reply so fast?

Just took a call from H. Go figure. I didn't mention that after he left for work I left him a CHEERY voicemail saying, "I didn't get to say goodbye to you this morning. Thanks for all of your work this weekend."

(we are finishing the basement).

He wanted to say thanks for the voicemail- said it was really nice. He also thanked me for all the work I did this weekend too. (This has always been a sore spot between us- he is a very hard worker, and I guess I didn't jump in there enough).
I said, "I don't always know what to do, so please don't be afraid to ask me. I just don't want to hang around and be clingy (another "issue"), so I usually go off and find something else to do."

He said, "you're doing just great."

Thanks, Betsey. You're right. I need to calm down and be thankful for what this is. We certainly do need to be friends!
Also, thanks for your support. I feel so shameful of this story, and it has been hard for me to admit to my wrongdoing. Particualarly when so many of you have had it done to you, and here I am, an OW myself.
Thank you for not judging me. I will NEVER have such blatant disregard for myself, my H, and anyone's marriage again...this is CERTAIN.

[Underdog]

What can I say? I logged in at the right time and my fingers were itching!!! I put myself through college typing and word processing. I actually THINK better at a keyboard...

Pamela, have you read the 5 Love Languages? I'm thinking that you and your H would get something good out of it. Even Mr. Wonderful has read it and likes what it has to say. I'm trying to speak his language when the opportunity arises... his is Acts of Service. Mine is Words of Affirmation, and he gets a big fat F as of right now. Stay tuned for any changes with the new job...

Judge you? What the hell for? For not being perfect? If that were the criteria, we'd live in one big glass house, wouldn't we?

Hey, you're human and you want to be a better person. That's a good place to be, Pamela. Besides, I came awfully close to a PA for the same reason as you, so what would that make me? Oh, yes... human with needs too.

The best you can do now is to shut that barn door and explore the possibilities that lie ahead of you. And Pamela, you have lots of them.

And what a great job in finding a reason to call him. NOW YOU KNOW HOW TO PRESS A POSITIVE BUTTON! You're just going to have to do more, in a sincere fashion. I'm betting your guy is a words of affirmation person like me...

Okay, so get busy knocking down that wall!

[Meredith]

Pamela! I am so glad you started your own thread. Now you can journal and see your progress (as well as what doesn’t work) easily.

We have a lot of similarities, you and I. This…

I know that my ambivalence was from a lack of security and feeling loved. So, I did the completely WRONG thing- I made myself as unlovable as possible (whiny, needy, dependant), and wondered why he didn’t respect me.

…could have been me!

This…

“too good for him, and he wanted someone more on his level.”

…is why our counselor thought H had had his affair, because I was so successful and he, well, wasn’t.

And this…

Looking back, I know that when I felt insecure I brought it up, hoping to hear some words of security. When that didn’t happen, I started a fight, knowing we would make up afterwards and I would get what I needed that way.

…defines my summer!

So welcome to your new home…even if it is in a place called ‘infidelity and jealousy’ (not exactly a sub-division many people would be attracted to by the name) and we’re all glad to have you as a fellow DBer and a great friend!

[CMNM]

I went to the library over the weekend for the 5 Love Languages book- it was missing/presumed lost. Guess someone needed it more than me! I will have to drop by Border's later today when I am out shopping. I get the message of it from a lot of the reading I do here, but I would like to explore this in depth.

I had an ephipany last night! So silly of me actually, as many of you have said the words "OW is a symptom of the problem..." so many times, yet the words never sunk in. Well, suddenly they did. No wonder I was such a B@#!* to live with for all of those years! I was fighting as though THAT was the problem. No wonder my H withdrew.

I went to bed last night and said, "I need to tell you something." (I always follow this with: "This won't be a long talk, I promise!") I apologised for my behavior regarding his A. I said that I realize now that it was just a symptom, and I wasted so much valuable time treating it as the actual problem.
(I cannot believe that this is all just now making sense!!!)
Anyway, he really appreciated it. I will spare you the rest of the details- after all, Meredith thinks some are too squeamish to even discuss her method of birth control- If that's the case I will stop here. Let's just say it was a good night!

I will not get over excited though. One step at a time. Someday, though, that boy will tell me he loves me. I am working on having the patience to wait it out. Oh, yes, and he will get his ring back onto his finger.

Thanks, Betsey, for listening. I could have turned yesterday into a mess. Instead, it turned out to be a great day. I could never have these days without all of you guys who are selfless enough to jump in and guide me in the right direction!

[CMNM]

Thanks Meredith.
Only by reading correspondence between you and Betsey did I realize that I had a name...Crazymaker. Even so, it took a bit longer for me to see where the crazymaking was coming from. I cannot believe how guilty I was of doing the same things over and over--just upping the ante each time it wasn't working.
I know I gravitated towards you guys (girls) for a reason. I have so much to learn! I will do my best to offer what I have in return...

Have a great day!

[Meredith]

WOW, you make us sound like the DB goddesses or something!

Well, I have a long way to go my friend. Just last night I dissolved into a puddle of things not happened they way I declared they should. But it is better than it was!

The only thing that keeps me hanging on to this man is the knowledge that I did drive him to despair with upping the ante. You know the drill...he could never win because I had the game fixed in my favor.

So, gather your gear and let’s get moving on this journey! One of my best friends said this morning while looking back at her own marriage (now in the reconciliation phase), “you know, Mer it isn’t like a roller coaster really. It’s more like mountain climbing. It is a complete change of scenery from what you’re used to, sometimes you are so cold and alone that you want to cry and you are forever going uphill. But the higher you climb the more you look down and see things from a perspective that shows you what is important and what is truly insignificant”.

[Underdog]

Pamela and Meredith,

Don't we wish we were DB goddesses!

Pamela, what a great way to end your day with your H. The fact that you and he are able to connect physically (and still live in the same house, for goodness sake) is a very good sign indeed.

So go with that thought today.

What more little happy surprises are you going to spring on him today? Know what works for us Words of Affirmation types (though this is really in the gifts category, it combines a little of both)? Does he take his lunch to work? Leave him a little yellow sticky note with something nice--let's not say ILY yet... how about these:

1. Thinking of you today and hope you have a happy one!
2. Just want to send you a happy face
3. Thanks for ______ (whatever good thing he did the day before).
4. You're my best friend.

Anything positive that makes him feel cherished. You start speaking his love language, girl, and this guy is going to respond favorably.

Now if I'm wrong about his LL, you can read and tell me here.

Blair (another DBer here) told me that marriage is like a hilly pasture. When things are tough, you have to LOOK uphill, not devise ways around it. I like that thought, which is along the lines of Pamela's thinking.

Have a great day!

Betsey

[CMNM]

Hello DB Goddesses (and anyone else who happens to be reading this!)
Just finished the 5 LL book. Betsey, you say jump, I say, "how high?" Actually, I have been meaning to do this for awhile. Just so happens middle son and I were walking by Barnes and Noble and he asked if he could go in and find some "clasics" to read. A 15 year old wanting to read the classics? I am blessed! He picked up "The Count of Monte Cristo" and "A Tale of Two Cities." Mind you, he is an excellent athlete, and is constantly told he looks like John Mayer (singer). I threw that in there for those of you thinking, "nerd alert!"
ANYWAY, I got the book, came right home and dug right in.
Betsey, you get an "A" for the day. H is most definately a "words of affirmation" person. This has been right in front of me, yet I didn't clue it in.
A big "F" for me.
Here are a few examples as to how glaringly obvious it is:
1. Last week I went to visit family overnight. I left before H got home from work. I left a note on the bed that thanked him for all he did during the holidays for us. (Picking up a few gifts, buying the ham, wrapping gifts, etc.) Today I saw that the note is still tucked away in his underwear drawer...
2. He was telling me about something he did while playing soccer the other day, and I said I could picture it, as I knew he was good at this particular kind of play. He did a double take, and slowly said, "You never said anything like that to me before."
and finally,
3. On Christmas Day I was a little weepy because H has ALWAYS given me a box of undies and bras and assorted things from Victoria's Secret every Christmas. Well, except for this year. I knew that he wasn't in the frame of mind for that this year, but still, I was sad that the tradition ended. He asked me what was wrong and I was truthful. He was surprised, because he didn't think I liked this gift, that he always felt it was more for him anyway. He had his arms around me as I explained that I did like it, but I realize I never told him. I made little jokes about "my annual box-o-undergarments," but never expressed gratitude. (I did appreciate it! He has great taste, and I never have to buy my own bras and undies! ) As he held me, I felt the need to continue the convo by wailing, "and now all I am to you is FLANNEL!" (one of my gifts was a flannel stadium throw for the cold nights out watching the boys play soccer). IMMEDIATELY his arms dropped. I quickly recovered with, "I'm sorry, it was really a thoughtful gift, and I don't mean to take away from it." The arms went right back around me.
These all happened in the last 2 weeks! Imagine all of the other things that I didn't pick up on!

I am easily a "quality time" person. I won't even hope that I will get this from him until I start speaking his language. He asked me about the book, but had one eye on the TV while I told him about it....

wow. This is a lot to absorb for one night! I have lots of thinking to do, and lots of plans to formulate. The sad part about this is, I have always felt these things about H, just never expressed them. Instead, I have been providing "acts of service," thinking that I was showing love by cooking, cleaning, ironing, etc... He kept telling me I was mothering him, but I was so sure that I was showing love that I just didn't listen.