Have a question for you wise people in piecing - where would you recommend I start a new thread? I like reading here because I find it encouraging, but not sure it is the right place for me...
I started out in Newcomers this summer, got some feedback but had trouble posting for some reason & now haven't posted for a few months. I really feel like I need to post, if for no other reason than to vent/journal. I have been lurking all of this time - usually look at Newcomers, Separated & Piecing.
A brief overview of my situation:
Me - 35, H 30. Married 2 years as of Dec 21 (03), together since Jan 01. My 2nd marriage, his first. H moved out at end of June 03. Says he is not happy, I'm controlling, etc. He was living w/ OW & kids (his supposedly, they are 16 & 14). Moved out of there & is now living w/ a buddy, enjoying being a bachelor at the moment. Things change from day to day - one minute he wants a divorce & I shouldn't get my hopes up because he is never coming back, the next time we talk he says we have to work hard cuz our marriage is on the line & he's not giving up yet, I'm still his wife, blah blah blah .
An example from yesterday - I was at his place & he started R talk - said I take everything wrong, I have to accept we are never getting back together, he doesn't even want to be friends. I said "I feel like I have to be perfect & never backslide on anything w/ you" & this is when he said (w/in 5 minutes of previous comments) that our marriage is on the line & there is no room for mistakes. I said you just said our marriage was over for sure & he said, when we get along & don't argue, I know I still love you & know it can work.
Needless to say, I know I need to detach but have not been very good at it. Have been an emotional wreck lately, due to our anniversary, his b'day, xmas & New Years (NYE 2001 was our 1st date) & realize I need to work hard at DB/DR.
I think that you should post where ever you feel most comfortable. And if it is here in piecing, then welcome!
Work on you! And do you think you are controling? if so that's where you need to begin. Stop being controling then. Your H told you what the problem is so if you want to and you agree with him, fix you.
It seems like he is not sure what he wants to do. So work on you. I was a controller the last few yrs; I listened to well meaning friends, not myself. I didn't want to be controlling.
Can you find your old thread, if not maybe I can so we can go back and read it.
SLT - like Deb said - post where ever you feel most confortable. Just remember that DBing is DBing where ever you post. Don't let where you post influance how you DB since DBing is all about fixing you, not fixing someone else. By fixing you, your WAS will rediscover the one they fell in love with.
I know I need to work on me & hopefully the rest will come. He has even made comments about that - just back off & then he seems to enjoy my company more. I started reading DR again recently. I think I am controlling to a degree, but I also feel he takes it to extremes - if I ask him what he has been doing when we talk on the phone (casual conversation), he thinks I am being controlling.
There is obviously alot more to our problems than just that - from both of us. This first post was just a brief intro.
My horoscope for tomorrow: Take care of yourself, and do the little things for yourself that make others so happy with you. Treat yourself to a treat.
Kind of sounds like a DB idea - if you take care of yourself, others will be more attracted to you as a person?
Long day, trying not to call H. This has all been so hard lately. I can feel fine all day & then I sit here at night, whether busy or not, & thoughts creep in. I would have thought it would get easier after 6 months instead of harder. Don't know what is going on - I am so weepy lately, I cry over the littlest things.
H's line the last couple days is he doesn't want to talk to me because I take it the wrong way (that we are working things out). He has been like this before where he doesn't want to communicate much, so I hope it is just a phase & will change again soon.
I feel really hopeless right now about our marriage, but am working thru DR again & trying to keep a positive attitude.
It is funny - when I 1st found this bb, I couldn't believe all the people that have been doing this for a year +. I of course said that will never happen to me, I will move on before that. Well, here I am in to my 6th month of separation & I still want to try to save my marriage. It is hard when people around me think I am being stupid waiting around for him so therefore I keep alot inside & don't talk about it much.
Quote: It is hard when people around me think I am being stupid waiting around for him so therefore I keep alot inside & don't talk about it much.
You know, it probably would be "stupid" (or maybe "ignorant" might be a better word), to just "sit around and wait". There are a LOT of people out there that would just "wait", keep doing the same thing they've always been doing, and hope the situation gets better on it's own.
However, you are not one of those people, are you?!
You are here, slt, and you are learning what it takes to help make a relationship work. You are finding out about how the actions you take can help lead to better solutions.
This sounds pretty "smart" to me!!
Yes, you probably don't need to talk about it much with people that don't support your cause. They haven't been in your shoes, and therefore have a hard time really understanding where you're coming from.
You'll know when it's time to "quit". Until then, keep up your hopes, and don't let anyone steal that from you.
JJ
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