I'm new around here but have not found much to help out the ld partner. My H is hd and has been since day one. In the first 36 hours we "made love" 24 times. Five years later, I got around to having an orgasm. I worked myself to the bone trying to like sex for 20 years. Finally did but not as much as he does. Now, 38 years later, we have sex on MY schedule which is about six times a year.
Here's a quick rundown on the problems: - I was abused as a child so to me sex is exploitation [can't seem to convince myself otherwise] - I am just not all that interested [took me 4 months to even start thinking about it when I was out of the country for a year] - my orgasms are rarely worth the hard work [I've tried a lot of solutions but nothing seems to help] - my husband is not the world's greatest lover [neither am I, of course, but I'm not the one who wants more sex] - we have both gained weight, especially him, and fitting together is not all that easy - we used to fight all the time and I just can't make love when I'm furious at him [doesn't bother him as much, I guess] - I know I can't keep him satisfied [tried for about 20 years] so I've given up trying
Despite all this, we have been married for 38 years and still love each other. He's had to learn to get by without much sex and I've had to learn to get by without much foreplay [intimacy, non-sexual touching, fun, etc.] It's not a picnic but the rest of life isn't, either.
Reading this, it sounds rather hopeless. Actually, since I quit doing it unless I darn well want to, things are better for both of us. He kicked and screamed but finally settled down and, no, he's not having an affair.
Writing this has been an instructive process --I am turning myself on! I think I'll go knock the socks off the old guy.
These are all justifications for why you SHOULDN'T have sex with him. What about all the reasons that you should? Surely you could come up with a list on that.
Quote: Here's a quick rundown on the problems: - I was abused as a child so to me sex is exploitation [can't seem to convince myself otherwise] - I am just not all that interested [took me 4 months to even start thinking about it when I was out of the country for a year] - my orgasms are rarely worth the hard work [I've tried a lot of solutions but nothing seems to help] - my husband is not the world's greatest lover [neither am I, of course, but I'm not the one who wants more sex] - we have both gained weight, especially him, and fitting together is not all that easy - we used to fight all the time and I just can't make love when I'm furious at him [doesn't bother him as much, I guess] - I know I can't keep him satisfied [tried for about 20 years] so I've given up trying
MY ND wife has the some of the same problems and it all comes down to one thing... The ABUSE All the arguing, complaing and criticizing she dishes out... is all to avoid one thing... SEX ... Make excuses why she is not in the mood.
I wish she would recognize the problem and GET HELP!!
How can a guy be a good lover when she is so uptight about sex that she can't really enjoy it. She can't let go enough to tell him what she likes so, how can he be a good lover? Good sex takes practice from BOTH WILLING partners. BTDT
If you really love this man.. get help... give him some good lovin that he really needs and then some... Make up for the crappy years... Before it's too late... Before he gives up and some other woman decides to do it for him....
I guarantee you will both be happier... BTW If you come to grips with your abuse and move ahead to a happier life... could you call my wife and give her some incentive to do it?
Have you tried counseling? I have no experience with abuse, so I'm sure I don't understand all the ramifications. I do think that you might be pushing your luck a bit expecting him to be satisfied with when and how much you want to have sex.
I could see how sex might feel like a power struggle and not very enjoyable if you had been abused. Still, I would think this would be something to try and resolve before getting married. Perhaps, I don't understand.
So in your case it probably is more about sex and less about other marriage issues. I mean it is more about her past abuse than about how she feels about you in other areas.
It's kind of a reverse deal. The more you request sex, the less favorable she feels about you, due to past issues. Is that pretty much the problem as you see it?
It would seem that she would want to get help if she knows that the lack of sex bothers you so much, but again, I probably don't understand. I was never abused and have always enjoyed sex.
It's real hard to nail down... When I met her.. she acted perfect... she even ACTED like she liked sex.. we made love all the time. She knew exactly how to reel me in... After about a year the sex started to slow down.. which I expected but down to once a month? After about a year of the once a month "mercy sex" she could tell that I was getting a bit disguntled, then somehow she decided for us that it was time to have a baby... OK I went along with it, thinking I might get more sex and something to really tie us together and be close. Get this... she stopped the birth control, and the sex did not pick up. Still once a month... then she would sit and cry when she got her period somehow implying that I was MY fault she was not getting pregnant... Duh, you have to have sex a little more often if you want to get pregnant.. well eventually she did. After our child was born she turned completely into a differnt person. Now it was harder for me to leave, she knew I was a responsible person and truly love my child. That gave her license to cut loose... she turned verbally abusive, sometimes physically... absolutely no desire. Criticizing everyting I do, accusing me a cheating on her constantly, and turning the smallest things into major arguments... turning my life in hell. A couple years ago I had enough and tried to end it. When we were separated she begged to see me and have sex... I caved, it was the best we ever had...Then she told me about her abuse, and I agreed to get back together for the kids if she would get help. She went 2 times and said she is ok, now I am back to my loveless living hell...
I am male, and had early issues with abuse from a 16 year old FEMALE babysitter. I was eleven. Mot guys would say 'cool', but it wasn't, and I wanted my first time to at least be with someone I liked. I understand that homosexual abuse is even more devistating than opposite sex abuse.
I don't know how you were abused, how long or how young you were. I do have some minor ieda of the impact it has on you. The fear alone is devistating. It took me a couple of years (or more) to really get over it.
Having lived and loved a wife of 27 years who has been a ND/VLD for the past 13+, I can tell you, that a lot of your husbands frustration with you IS indeed caused by lack of quality and quantity of sex.
I understand the need for quality relationship time before sex. Have you asked him how often he has tried to "be just the right way" with you, or "act romantic" so that you might be interested in him? You might be suprised how many times he has tried to interest you, only to be rejected.
Guys get used to rejection when they are young. Eventually, we come to understand a little bit about commitment. We get off into totally new territory when after we have tried to do everything right, we still get rejected.
So, we read books to help us understand women and their needs, relationships and how to be a good husband and father. We do things that good men should do. For High Drive women, you can just about reverse women and men above.
Having done just about everthing we know or can guess to do, we still get rejected. As it turns out, there are Low Drive people out there.
I used to think that getting the mechanics just right in a relationship was the key to good sex - good love for that matter. While true that the mechanics have influence, they certainly aren't the only means to an end.
Example; As a high drive person, if my wife were to playfully wink at me and saunter off toward the bedroom, I think I would probably have a heart attack, but I tell you, that would be all the mechanics I would need to get me cranked.
Dealing with a ND/VLD wife has taught me that no matter how good the mechanics, she still has to make a choice. She could save us both a lot of work by making that choice more often, and with a lower requirement as to the mechanics involved. I think that is what Michele is saying in her book. Just do it, and the good parts will follow.
You say you have no desire for him. Consider this: If over a couple of months he lost most of his excess weight, buffed up, bought an earring and started going out with the boys a lot more often, would you be concerned about the level of care you have given to his needs?
Even for men, some orgasms are better than others, and I have had times when I couldn't come. What men do, more than most women, is practice having them. One of the first things that men notice (and I suspect women as well), is that one good orgasm makes you want another. A good roll in the hay just clears your mind, makes you desire your partner even more, and shades out the things we find unattractive about our spouse. A bad experience does just the opposite.
Even the bible has something to say about good sex. Dig up a bible and have a look at Song of Solomon or called Song of Songs in some translations. If you have never read it, you are in for a shock, and probably some flushed cheeks.
Each of us are obligated to meet our partners needs within reason. Why the hell would we have gotten together in the first place?
I am very glad that you found the courage to post on this forum. Obviously you are caring and do have a heart for your husband. Learning to enjoy sex with him will help you too - in many ways.
If you can get your husband to open up with you and honestly discuss his feelings about your relationship, I think you will find him hurt very deeply.
All the best. -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
