I was bummed my h did not call me last night after getting my message (there I go Ms Impatient!).
He calls me THIS MORNING!!!! And then invites us to go golfing on sunday and says we can do the hockey thing too (response to my message).
I was all sweet honey while talking to him. And I thanked him for calling me back (180) and told him to have a great day!!!
Oh, and I left him a very sexy message on his answering machine (this I did BEFORE he called me).
I woke up in the mindset that the d is no longer an option. After letting my attorney know to dismiss, I'm in such a better mood. Kind of scared of doing without the child support...but hey I live with my parents, don't have a car payment and don't pay rent so I should be more than ok !!!
It is scary but should h refile it will become 50/50 community property which means I lose the house. I don't care now...those are just material things. I can get another house anyway...I have the VA.
Today is going to be a GREAT day! Thanks for your advice, it has reinforced by perspective on this whole situation.
I couldn't resist after reading that your MC said..
Quote: ..that I let H do the pursuing from this point on because then I can know for sure he wants to be with me..
Hmmm, now where have ya heard THAT one before?.. Thats exactly what you should do.
Quote: Then my MC suggested I dismiss the D.
Not a bad idea, whenever you can release anything that your H can point to as PRESSURE, relieve it.
Not a bad laundry list, I'd probably put NO R TALK UNLESS HE INITIATES somewhere near the top. I'd be careful with number 5, at least until you get a sign that he wants to be treated in a loving manner, that can backfire big time on you because it can be perceived as PRESSURE and you want to release all pressure. You can be nice and respectful, but be careful doling out the "L" word or actions too soon. Last but not least, I'd replace #9 with START DATING and move it up the list a few notches..I say that not so that you'll do it to get him to notice, though he of course will.. , I'm saying that because if you want him to pursue you, you have a better chance if you follow the golden rules: ACT & BE HAPPY, Emotionally LET GO and let your actions suggest that. Start living outside the M. START DATING, shows you're not exactly settling for how you're being treated, maybe someone is more worthy. NO R TALK, and if he initiates it and starts in on whats wrong with the M, agree with his negative opinions ALWAYS. Give him space and again, NO PRESSURE.
No matter what you do, until he senses you're willing to move on if he no longer prefers the M, then nothing will change in his level of commitment. He knows deep down you don't want a D, and that you'll shower him with whatever he tells you he needs to see, and he can still live seperately, what a good deal for him, you're not going anywhere..whats the hurry??
I've actually got a date tomorrow...well a non-date but I'm going out! You are right I still need to act as if I will be moving on, that I can move on without him. He needs to see that.
Yes, I'll leave out the ILYs and be fun, happy, whatever. No pressure, no r talks. And I agree that I need to validate his negatives about the m when he brings them up.
Quote: Yes, I'll leave out the ILYs and be fun, happy, whatever. No pressure, no r talks. And I agree that I need to validate his negatives about the m when he brings them up.
Is this like going out with friends socially, or is this like the ritual that people typically engage in when they are looking for a mate? Or is it maybe something in between?
Thanks for whatever answer you can provide.
JJ
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When someone says they are dating, I take that to mean they are looking for a prospective mate.
I can't call what I'm doing 'dating' since I'm married. So I'll call it hanging out with friends. I typically try to have at least one other gal with me if I hang out with a male friend. Just to be above reproach. I don't need to have the hint of adultery thrown in with all my other m problems.
And me too! It sounds like we're on the same page with that!
I think that hanging out with friends more often falls into the "get a life" technique. It's one of the most often overlooked, yet one of the most important, parts of DB'ing.
Constantly "working" on your R 24/7, without ever taking a break from it, can destroy your PMA in a hurry, and add to your frustrations. You get so deep into the problems, that it makes it tough to be able to see any solutions for yourself.
"Getting a life" can help to make you happier with yourself, which in turn can make you more attractive to your partner.
IMHO, actual "dating", as you perceive it Cindy, can be something that adds fuel to the fire of an already complicated situation. Yes, why add to the problems that you already have in the m!
JJ
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I think you answered your own question, its a,b or a combo of both, that depends on what the person whose partaking in it, wants out of it. Some like to date casually, some like to date to find the next be all end all.
Whats more important is that dating is one of the more powerful tools we have as LBS's to demonstrate that we are willing to move on, if the preference is that our WA's no longer wish to be with us. If I may borrow one of your quotes on LRT that I read almost every day from 11/21/00:
Quote: Its when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change.
Dating, casually with friends or whatever, sends a strong message that "Yes, I'm OK without you". Dating, allows us to exhibit some of the more attractive qualities about ourselves, our charm, our attractiveness, our good naturedness, our great personality in a way that maybe, just maybe, our spouses will stand up and take notice when all attempts prior have come up less than satisfactory. Jealousy is human nature, we've all experienced it, and unfortunatley in many instances, its dating that provides the vehicle for our WA's to take notice that all the things that made them attractive to us to begin with, may now end up with someone else.. That is ONE POWERFUL MOTIVATOR. Personally, I took things for granted in my own M and my W found somebody else and I did everything I could to pursue and win her back, but it was too late. It all falls along the lines of not realizing what you had until its lost. Dating, is a signal to a WA, that if not committing is what they want, then OK, but..I'm worthy of receiving attention from someone else, I have qualities that others find attractive..
Dating is an excellent way to bring focus and attention back to our good points and boost our self confidence because we are being appreciated rather than taken for granted.. I guess the bottom line remains:
Hey Wiley, I am sure you knew this topic could stir up some controversy...
While I agree with most of what you say I do feel like you are slightly contradicting yourself. You state that truly letting go means not worrying about whether or not your S comes back and realizing that it is okay to move on with your life. Yet you also infer that dating is a great tactic to get your partner to stand up and take notice. In other words, if you are viewing dating in this way then you can't say you have truly let go, can you?
I think the important point is that dating is a stage of letting go of what you once had and opening yourself up to new possibilities. If you are at the point in your sitch where you are still desperately trying to get your WA back then dating may not be the right thing to do as it may just complicate things. And while jealousy may be a great motivating factor intitially to get the WA to think twice it often does not make them fall "in love" again which seems to be the reason for leaving in most sitchs.
Cindy, I think the important thing is that you let go of your sitch and make yourself happy outside of the M and where it is going and if you feel you are ready to date then go for it, but in my opinion I don't think you are ready nor wanting to truly "date" yet.
!!! 
Thats exactly what you should do. 
