Lately, I have been reading ‘The Dance of Anger’ and a few of the girls in Piecing got so fed up with my preaching to them about the book that they suggested I start a new thread on it. It was written by Harriet Lerner and published by HarperCollins (does that count as copyright acknowledgement?)
The premise of the book is that anger is a signal that something needs changing in our world, a symptom of discontent with who we are and how we interact with each other. Anger is a feeling and, as such, has no moral value, is neither wrong nor right. But ignoring it or trying to bury or suppress it leads to inner dissatisfaction and conflict.
Any takers?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I agree... our first stint in MC was back in September 1999. I issued an ultimatum back then: "Either we head into MC or I'm walking with the kids." Mr. Wonderful chose the C route...
Back then, my entire life was in turmoil. Looking back, I think I might have been having MLC myself. And I was angry as hell.
It took our MC several sessions to actually sort through things to discuss the anger (which had taken over my life).
Once he got me calm enough to get into things, he told us that ANGER IS A CALL FOR ACTION.
He indicated that left unchecked, it is very unhealthy. But that it is no more powerful than happiness, frustration, anxiety or excitement--it is we who give it so much power by pretending it does not exist.
I had not seen your book back then, but have seen it many times when browsing the self help section of my favorite bookstores.
I try to treat anger with some modest respect but not to allow it too much latitude. Sort of like the annoying door-to-door salesman who knocks at dinnertime...
I answer the door, find out what he wants, deal with him and close the door. I do not invite him in as a guest and ask him to stay in the guest room until he feels it is time to leave.
Right on!
Would you share more with us?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Anger is a signal and one worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self –our beliefs, values, desires or ambitions- is being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortable do or give. Or our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expense of our own competence and growth. Just as physical pain tells us to take the hand off the hot stove, the pain of our anger preserves the very integrity of our self. Our anger can motivate us to say “no” to the ways in which we are defined by others and “yes” to the dictates of our inner self.
<snip> (Here comes the part about women being frustrated but I really think most of the book is applicable to men and women)
… we learn to fear our own anger, not only because it brings about the disapproval of others, but also because it signals the necessity for change. We may begin to ask ourselves questions that serve to block or invalidate our own experience of anger: “Is my anger legitimate?” “Do I have a right to be angry?” “What’s the use of my getting angry?” “What good will it do?” These questions can be excellent ways of silencing ourselves and shutting off our anger.
Let us question these questions. Anger is neither legitimate nor illegitimate, meaningful not pointless. Anger simply is. To ask, “Is my anger legitimate?” is similar to asking, “Do I have a right to be thirsty? After all, I just had a glass of water fifteen minutes ago. Surely my thirst is not legitimate. And besides, what’s the point of being thirsty when I can’t get anything to drink now, anyway?”
Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel –and certainly our anger is no exception.
There are questions about anger, however, that may be helpful to ask ourselves: “What am I really angry about?” “What is the problem and whose problem is it?” “How can I sort out who is responsible for what?” “How can I learn to express my anger in a way that will not leave me feeling helpless and powerless?” “When I’m angry, how can I clearly communicate my position without becoming defensive or attacking?” “What risks and losses might I face if I become clearer and more assertive?” “If getting angry is not working for me, what can I do differently?”
Any comments?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
This is good stuff - I will print it to read it more often, because I think I need reminding - as a society we are very conflicted about anger, whether we are allowed to have it or not, i.e. : It now has entered the realm of 'put-down' to say to someone "oh- you are angry - what is your problem ?" It is important to remember it's appropriateness, and that it is a signal of other stuff. Thanks - I'll keep looking to see what's next. P.S. I agree completely , the gender thing doesn't apply so much, it is genderless.
Well if you agree on the gender issue, please gentlemen substitute mentally the words "woman" and "women" for "man" as 'men" as needed... It becomes a bit tiresome to be on the lookout for political correctness all the time...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Quote: Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel –and certainly our anger is no exception.
Absolutely!!
I've been blabbing for months on the bb about the importance of letting our emotions have their moment in the sun, and letting them back into the room...and, well...other handy euphemisms to go with those. Huh, Sage.
Quote: “How can I learn to express my anger in a way that will not leave me feeling helpless and powerless?”
This is a question we all have to ask ourselves, along with the other obvious one - "How do we do this without being on the wrong side of our DB line?"
Yes yes yes Jeannine , may I add, how not to become a doormat while DBing too - I so often felt like a liar, repressing anger always fouls me up, but I don't always like the way I handle it every time either....
Had to post here as in my past Anger was pretty much my defining emotion.
I was angry a lot, frustrated a lot, disappointed most of the time. Fun to live with? You figure it out!
I discovered after bomb #1 (and for a good time afterwards) that the anger had been shocked right out of me.
I think I NEEDED that, frankly. I'd become addicted to it.
I learned that MUCH of my anger was surface...that the real emotions fueling it were sadness, pointless perfectionism, FEAR.
I chose anger, because anger FEELS powerful.
Now when I get irked I try to sit with it, identify where it's coming from and what's underlying it.
I respect my anger (boy I was angry during the first part of our argument on Thursday night! ) but I try NOT to fuel it.
It is REAL easy once angry to remember all kinds of OTHER stuff to be angry about! It's called "state dependent memory".
Shiny
P.S. You know the old idea of getting rid of anger by yelling screaming, pounding your partner with a sponge bat...the catharsis thing?...well experiments have SHOWN that people tend to be MORE angry at their S after such "catharsis"!!!
Am I saying to stuff it down! NO WAY...look at what that did to CJ!!...we just have to make legit anger work FOR us!
There is however another side of the coin: If feeling angry signals a problem, venting anger does not solve it. Venting anger may serve to maintain, and even rigidify, the old rules and patterns in a relationship, thus ensuring that change does not occur. When emotional intensity is high, many of us engage in nonproductive efforts to change the other person, and in so doing, fail to exercise our power to clarify and change our own selves. The old anger-in/anger-out theory, which states that letting it all hang out offers protection from the psychological hazards of keeping it all pent up, is simply not true. Feelings of depression, low self esteem, self-betrayal, and even self-hatred are inevitable when we fight but continue to submit to unfair circumstances, when we complain but live in a way that betrays our hopes, values or potentials, or when we find ourselves fulfilling society’s stereotype of the bitchy, nagging, bitter, or destructive woman. (substitute man at will here)
Those of us who are locked into ineffective expressions of anger suffer as deeply as those of us who dare not get angry at all.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
, may I add, how not to become a doormat while DBing too - I so often felt like a liar, repressing anger always fouls me up, but I don't always like the way I handle it every time either....
) but I try NOT to fuel it.