Have you told him how you feel? Ask him if he has a solution for the problem? I'd tell him straight out what I felt then told him my solution if he has none to offer.
I find myself in the same boat...my r is still the same though my h says he doesn't want a d. Am I also to just not want the d too but live with the same old h, be unhappy? My h is in counseling but has yet to get it...that he has to change for our m not for himself.
I would list out what you think would be the pros/cons of getting a d. I know how hard it is to live with a 'roommate'...did that for 7 years. It's even more depressing to live with someone that you can't even get a reaction out of!
I'd try approaching your h very calmly and quietly about how you feel then ask for him to provide a solution. Give him a deadline.
I wasn't holding back advice - just don;t have any to give at moment. HATE it that you feel there are no answers. Wish I could think of some. Good luck with eye exam tomorrow ! Let us know ok ? Trying to e you, boss keeps walking in, damn her, the nerve, interfering with my personal life.
It is especially hard to live with someone who is a lump. Trying to detach in this scenario is difficult to say the least. To me it's like the lump is taking up valuable air space!!! and that aggravates me to no end. I used to be so fed up that my h SAT there and watched me struggle with the kids, sometimes I cried cause I was so tired/worn out yet he remained sitting while I struggled.
LL may not have this kind of trouble yet there are many issues with detaching when your s is in the house. It's doable but you'll need to prepare yourself to deal with s not reacting.
Quote: I used to be so fed up that my h SAT there and watched me struggle with the kids, sometimes I cried cause I was so tired/worn out yet he remained sitting while I struggled.
that pretty much got straightened out during the seperation..after a while I just left h with the kids..let him deal with it alone and see what it's like...I think that was the best fathers day gift I ever gave him (fathers day was the first time that I just said to myslef wtf I don't have to stay around here during his visit) he learned that though he doesn't always like it he can be a great daddy.
I do get a reaction from h when I detach...the reaction is...a shove and to throw a cheeze it at me. I'm looking for a bit more than that.
Quote: I do get a reaction from h when I detach...the reaction is...a shove and to throw a cheeze it at me. I'm looking for a bit more than that.
Hey LL, surely that's a baby step??? At least he isn't throwing heavy objects at you! Maybe you could surpise him and turn it into a food fight??? Get some mayonnaise in a tube and squirt it all over him?? Or lick cheeze it crumbs off each other? Anything to break the ice/impasse/slumber...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
shove and food throwing upgraded to tap on shoulder and hug...still looking for some words...but I did say thank you for the hug...ok ok and commented "that was nicer than having food thrown at me" h just smiled and said that was just what the moment called for (the food throwing that is)
I'll admit that since h's homecomming I've had a hard time with his way of connecting with me being mostly physical and denying being physical with ow claiming "that's just the way I am with you"
so does that say...hey LL with ow I had a great emotional connection and was able to communicate with words and such but with you I cannot talk so I'll just shag ya once in a while???
Quote: hey LL with ow I had a great emotional connection and was able to communicate with words and such but with you I cannot talk so I'll just shag ya once in a while???
Have you told him this is how you feel? Don't mention OW just something like I feel loved when you ___________ (fill in the blank). Lack of communication to your spouse is allowing this undercurrent of mistrust to flourish.
Don't assume you think he knows what you want....you have to spell it out for him repeatedly. Check out these books: "Getting your husband to talk" by Veerman AND "How to get your h to talk" by Connie Grigsby, Nancy Cobb.
You have to realize that your h is not you and thus does not think the way you do. You are going at interactions with him with all your assumptions in place. You need to loose the assumptions! for help on this get this book: "The lies we believe" by Thurman.
Don't assume you know why he's doing something....half the time they can't even tell you what they are feeling so how can you explain why he said THAT that way. You'll make yourself crazy!
Quote: Have you told him this is how you feel? Don't mention OW just something like I feel loved when you ___________ (fill in the blank). Lack of communication to your spouse is allowing this undercurrent of mistrust to flourish.
uhm? how bout when he first came home and all he wanted to do was be physical with me all the while telling me he was not physical with ow and yet was in love with her so much so that he left his wife and children to be with her? that I would like for us to form a friendship first..talk, spend time together etc. his response "I can't help it, this is just the way I respond to you"
you're forgetting who you are talking to here. I am not the one that doesn't communicate...h is. Unless of course you count throwing food and shoving as communication.
Quote: Don't assume you think he knows what you want....you have to spell it out for him repeatedly. Check out these books: "Getting your husband to talk" by Veerman AND "How to get your h to talk" by Connie Grigsby, Nancy Cobb.
h I would like for us to have one night a week set aside for us time...in the house or out on a date...just time to spend together.
h I would like for us to be friends, I would like to know what you do during the day not just a re tracing of your steps but something about your day.
h I don't really know who your friends are..if I were to throw you a party I wouldn't know who to invite.
H I'd like for us to do things together.
H I'd like for you to ask me to go somewhere even if just to the store.
are those clear enough or do I need some book to tell me how to either say nothing and wait...go myself and wait...or is there some other language people in a m speak??? like hey h we are going here so be ready. ya that cold work then I'd have on of those h's that just get dragged all over the place by their wives.
Quote: You have to realize that your h is not you and thus does not think the way you do. You are going at interactions with him with all your assumptions in place. You need to loose the assumptions! for help on this get this book: "The lies we believe" by Thurman.
I am full aware of the fact that my h is not me that would be pretty ridiculous. I know that my h doesn't think the way I do if he did that would not be good...one of me in a r is enough. what assumptions are you implying that I'm making and going with????
Quote: Don't assume you know why he's doing something....half the time they can't even tell you what they are feeling so how can you explain why he said THAT that way. You'll make yourself crazy!
I am not assuming that he said THAT that way. I simply said that is the way it sounds to me. I doubt my h would be so ignorant as to say or imply such a thing to me...it is simply that the way he has gone about things with me while claiming that his r with ow was another way IS sending me a poor message.
Or lick cheeze it crumbs off each other? Anything to break the ice/impasse/slumber...