Thank you both for stopping by my thread and your holiday wishes!
So, had some drama with my husband last night.
We had a great day, lots of flirting and fun. We watched the home movies that my parents converted to DVD.
Then late that night, while I was getting ready for bed, he called his Dad and spoke to a lot of family.
I went up to do my before bed routine. I came back downstairs to find him on the phone with the girl. I got the sense that he was being sneaky and called her while I was upstairs.
I listened to his phone call and it sounded like he was flirting with her a bit. I sat there in my chair next to him, listening, racking my brains on how to DB this.
What would people on the BB do?
I couldn't think of anything. I was in such pain.
Kept telling myself not to make ASSumptions. He told me they were friends.
Didn't matter. My inner dialouge did nothing to help.
I'm positive at one point she asked where I was, cause I heard him say, "She's upstairs."
And I'm postive at another point, she asked what my reaction was, I had asked him who he was talking to and he told me her name. I think she asked about it, cause he said, "She just said, 'Ok'".
We both went upstairs at that point.
I stayed quiet. Not sure what to do, so trying to do nothing.
He went about his before bed routine.
Then he came into our bedroom, happy as can be and asked me if I knew that he loved me.
I shook my head, "No". And I couldn't help it, my chin started trembling, and the tears just began flooding.
He asked what was wrong and came over to sit next to me on the bed.
I couldn't say anything. He then asked if I was upset because he called her.
I nodded yes.
At that point, my memory isn't very clear on what exactly happened.
But I told him that he told me she was just friends and that he called her on Christmas.
The same exact thing he had done with his ex-girlfriend 10 years ago, when we were dating.
That he had insisted for months, that they were just friends. Then he called her on Christmas and set up a visit...for her to fly down and visit him.
I begged him not to let her come, I begged him not to cheat on me.
He got mad at me, insisted again that they were just friends. And of course, cheated on me...and didn't tell me about it 'til after we were married for a year.
And I told him that. He had completely forgotten. Said he was so sorry for doing that. And that his calling his friend this Christmas was not anything like that Christmas long ago. He told me that there had never been anything romantic between him and the girl. That they had only ever been friends.
I told him it seemed like he was sneaking around. He said he was sorry and that wasn't his intention.
There was a lot of crying and silence on my part as I struggled to control myself and do the DB thing.
I think I did well, because in the past, I would have just gotten angry and attacked. And this time, I only cried and expressed my hurt. So, perhaps him seeing my hurt was much more effective than me hiding my hurt and attacking as I used to do.
He didn't get defensive...showed lots of concern for my feelings. He asked, "Are we ok now?" after I told him that I believed him. I told him yes and I apologized for doubting him.
He then asked if I wanted to ML. I told him, "Yes, that would greatly reassure me."
I told him that when we go for a week without being intimate, I begin to get anxious that he doesn't love me. I told him that him making love to me was the best way for him to reassure me that he does love me!
He said he wasn't sure if it'd be appropriate for him to suggest...and I assured him that it was very appropriate and healing for me!
So we did!
I think I sucessfully DB'd because he didn't get defensive and we were closer afterwards. In the past, he would get defensive and we'd end up not talking for hours, assuming he didn't just storm out of the house. So, this was definately different than times in the past!
So, note to self, showing my feelings/pain gets better results than trying to be tough and hiding my feelings...and attacking.
One last great thing. Before all that happened, he ordered the "Keeping Love Alive CD set". We are going to work on it together.
I told him that I wanted him to know that I didn't want this set because I thought we were doing badly, but rather I wanted this set, because we are doing so great...and I want to keep on doing great!
He understood and seemed in favor of it!
So, that's the latest drama. If you see reasons to swing a 2 x 4, don't hesitate.
absolutely NO 2x4 needed - girlfriend you did absolutely WONDERFUL
where in the db book does it say that feelings would not ever be hurt again in a marriage after we have been thru all this crap? NOWHERE sweetie, you still have a marriage to work on and that will be FOR LIFE
you did great, you knew what DIDN'T work in the past, so you didn't do it, you tried doing something different and all you can do is monitor results...and well, you did GREAT
seems alot of people had touchy situations last night - glad you made it thru yours and even got a little something something
really a quick question pib - does your hubby know about your experience that happened when you were 12?
In your shoes, I would have found both initiating the phone call, and the innuendos you overheard very "discomfitting" to say the very least!
You know what though, she just might have the idea that you don't trust her (maybe it's even a juvenile joke?) and hence her queries about what you said etc.
What's MUCH more important is that you 180'd your response...you displayed the hurt, you reminded him (DUH!!) of how this was a trigger for some pretty MAJOR hurts from the past.
And he empathized...the feeling was right, right? You sensed his sincerity? All good...and let's hope he's taking notes on "what not to do" in the future!!
where in the db book does it say that feelings would not ever be hurt again in a marriage after we have been thru all this crap? NOWHERE sweetie, you still have a marriage to work on and that will be FOR LIFE
Duh moment for me! Yes, I'm still struggling with how to make the transition from crisis to day to day living.
I'm hoping the Keeping Love Alive series will help.
I know the basics, keep doing what works, and experiment and monitor.
I'll keep doing these...seems to be working so far!
And yes, Kitti, he does know about my experiences when I was 12. We've talked about it at length. Unfortunately, when I first told him, I played it off as, "Look how cool I was when I was 12...this is what I did." And he took his cues from my words and said some things that in reality freaked me out and hurt me.
My big betrayal of him, the one secret I don't really want to talk about, is that I went and told everyone in his family and everyone in my family what he said, because I was so freaked out and hurt.
So, he's forgiven me for it, and understands why I did what I did. But, because of my actions, to this day, some of my family refuses to trust him or allow him into their lives.
And that's something that I'll have to live with.
My husband, in talking to me about that whole incident has confessed that he likes to say shocking things. So, he does recognize his responsibility in the situation. However, family means a great deal to me, and it hurts me that an action that I took out of fear and anger means that my husband and some of my family will never be in the same room together.
So, moral of the story kiddos...be careful what you say to friends/family.
You know what though, she just might have the idea that you don't trust her (maybe it's even a juvenile joke?) and hence her queries about what you said etc.
I was wondering about this. If she was an OW she would want to know if she could talk freely or if I was around.
On the other hand, I'm 99.9% sure that she knows that I've suspected her of being an OW.
You see, way back before Monkey and I separated, I came home to find out he was leaving to go to lunch with her, I'll refer to her as "A"...just the 2 of them. I freaked, demanded he stay home. He invited me to come along and see that they were just friends. Now, I would do that, then I just demanded that he stay home. He said, "Ok, I'll stay, but I'm going to go tell her."
Then he went out and got into her car and off they went to lunch.
When I realized what he had done, I called A's cell phone. She hung up on me.
I called up the girl who became his roomate, sobbing hysterically. I asked her to call A and have Monkey call me back. I asked her if A and Monkey were having an affair. She responded, "I honestly don't know."
In my own defense, all pre-DB.
So, yes, I'm pretty sure that Monkey's roomate told A about my phone calls and accusations.
So, maybe she enjoys thinking of herself as a threat to someone's marriage. Maybe she likes seeing herself as a seductress.
Can I just go ahead and ASSume that her interests with my husband is because she gets a thrill out of feeling powerful and seductive?
If this is the case, it would be smart of me, to not act like I see her as a threat.
Especially after the conversation my husband and I had.
Once she realizes that I no longer see her as a threat, she'll lose that feeling of being powerful and seductive and maybe back off in her behaviour. Or perhaps I'm seeing her bevaviour as innapropriate only because of my fears...dunno.
The only fact that I have is that there is nothing romantic, they are truly just friends.
I guess her motivations, shouldn't matter to me...DBing my husband and myself is the only thing that matters.
Shiny you also said:
What's MUCH more important is that you 180'd your response...you displayed the hurt, you reminded him (DUH!!) of how this was a trigger for some pretty MAJOR hurts from the past.
And he empathized...the feeling was right, right? You sensed his sincerity? All good...and let's hope he's taking notes on "what not to do" in the future!!
Yes, he was absolutly sincere.
I'm a little concerned that he'll do what he's done in the past tho...and that's be even more sneaky in an attempt to not hurt my feelings.
It's the sneakiness that sends up red flags!
I'm thinking that I should praise him. Tell him, "thank you for being so open and honest. It really helped me feel reassured and safe."
Or should I come right out and say, "Please don't think that you need to hide the time you talk to A or hang out with her. You did a great job reassuring me, and it would break my heart if you felt like you had to sneak in order to protect my feelings."
Whacha think?
Thanks Shiny and Kitti for your thoughtful posts...gave me lots to think about!
Based on what Monkey has told me...he spent a lot of his childhood sneaking around to do the things he wanted to do.
His Mom would do stuff, like search his underwear drawer for cigarettes.
So, he just learned to be sneaky...and he got really good at it.
So, I'm thinking that being sneaky is Standard Operating Proceedure for Monkey.
I of course, sense him being sneaky, and think, if he's not doing anything wrong, why's he being sneaky?
He just wants his privacy and independence...but he learned that in order to have those, he had to be sneaky.
So, now I'm wondering. Should I talk to him? Tell him that I feel insecure about our relationship when I sense him being sneaky? That if he would tell me, "Hey, I'm going out with A" and just be open and honest about it, that I'd feel safe?
That my goal is for us to get to the point, where he can feel like his privacy is protected and respected by me?
Or is this one of those things, that I have to prove and not talk about?
I'm finally back at work, with access to a computer!
Things are going well with my Husband.
Issues keep popping up. But we deal with them in a more compassionate and kind way these days.
So, not sure if I mentioned it before...but my parents gave Husband a chess set. It's a little table specifically for the chess board.
We have it set up in the corner and we have an ongoing game. We aren't sitting down to play, but rather just moving a piece every now and then.
Now when we were doing it that way, I was kicking butt! But one day, we were both home...he kept moving a piece and I'd respond. Pretty soon he had me in check mate.
So, great insight!
I do much better at chess when I take the time to slow down and think things through. When I don't, I lose.
DBing and Chess are both about strategy...stuff I still need MORE practice in!
My new years resolution:
It is December 2004. I am at my ideal weight. My finances are organized and up to date. I am staying focused on my health, finances, and happiness. My clothes slide on my body as I walk and I feel svelte, strong, energetic, and competent. I have taken baby steps daily to get to this point. The more I do for myself, the more my cup overflows and everyone in my life is touched by the splash.
I value myself and therefore others value me. I have conquered the bad habit of making all the effort in my intimate relationshps. Now , those people with whom I have an intimate relationship, put in at least half of the effort needed to have a good relationship. And they do so gladly, knowing it is their choice.
Thank you all for being here for me. Knowing I have such wonderful friends to talk to really helps me stay the path.
