Quote: As I was feeling the emotions, from anger, impateince, wanting her to go faster it came to me that this feeling was the same feeling I had with H. If H wouldn't do what I wanted him to do, I would get impatient, angry and no matter how impatient, how much yelling I did it doesn't matter, I AM not in control of my H/traffic. The emotions are the same, this is something I recognized for the first time today.
And there you go! Now if we would keep this in mind, we'd all be better off!
Your thread has brought many questions to my mind. I thought I was doing a good job of this. You have helped me see another level. THANK YOU!
For me detaching revolves around hurting. I have been hurt in the past, so I LOOK for the ways that will hurt me. That way H is the bad guy. He will hurt me anyway so I might as well look for the ways or conjure up things in my head. Of course he can't call, he's with her or on a date with her. Now guess what? I can feel free to be mad and hurt! Might as well get it over with huh?
Damn it why is it when I'm living that and the feelings are so real it makes perfect sense. But when I think about this and really type it out... its whacked. No wonder I'm in the situation I'm in.
At what point does a person reattach? We are talking about putting very REAL feelings aside. The fact that H is with OW is REAL. I can detach from that (I think) but at what point does that REATACHMENT come back? If we get back together, I will not be DETACHED if OW is back. Maybe this just sort of happens?
Maybe I am not nearly as detached as I thought. I hate hurting. But I guess that is my choice to allow it to make me hurt.
So here a couple of my thougths for your excersise Kitty~
When I asked H about his Christmas shopping he did not give me ANY details, so that must mean that the presents he has bought are for OW.
Wow, H doesn't want to share a lot of information about this, so I will not press or pry. He will share what he is comfortable with and I will work on creating that safe place.
H hardly ever calls or sees me on weekends. He must have other plans with OW.
H hardly ever calls or sees me on weekends, I don't like that, but will enjoy the times when we are together.
I think this is an excellent post! The explanations of detaching and going dark and the differences between the two are important. Relating detaching to differences in handling a car is a unique way of 'exampling' the desired behavior modification.
I wonder what happens when you employ this method of 'giving' over 'control' of whether the WAS walks or recommits (which I agree SHOULD and COULD be a win-win for the R)and the WAS uses that as yet another reason/excuse for walking? I TRIED doing this. I did it by letter so that I wouldn't stumble over my words and possibly 'give away' that I was trying to trust and untrustworthy person with my heart. I got help with the letter, because sometimes we think we are saying one thing and it comes out a different way.
Not only can we not control what our partner feels, we also can't control or predict how that partner will react to our 'detaching'. Mine reacted like a cruel, self-absorbed narcissist. Told me he wanted a divorce BUT wanted to be fair.Told his HO that he saw this as yet
I think this is an excellent post! The explanations of detaching and going dark and the differences between the two are important. Relating detaching to differences in handling a car is a unique way of 'exampling' the desired behavior modification.
I wonder what happens when you employ this method of 'giving' over 'control' of whether the WAS walks or recommits (which I agree SHOULD and COULD be a win-win for the R)and the WAS uses that as yet another reason/excuse for walking? I TRIED doing this. I did it by letter so that I wouldn't stumble over my words and possibly 'give away' that I was trying to trust and untrustworthy person with my heart. I got help with the letter, because sometimes we think we are saying one thing and it comes out a different way.
Not only can we not control what our partner feels, we also can't control or predict how that partner will react to our 'detaching'. Mine reacted like a cruel, self-absorbed narcissist. Told me he wanted a divorce BUT wanted to be fair.Told his HO that he saw this as yet another attempt of my trying to control him...and that now he could see to it that I got NOTHING. In a nutshell, my doing this enabled him to do some pretty shitty things to me and to daughter.
I've always believed that for the most part, you trust and believe in the good in someone and that trusting can actually help bring out the good. Instead, it seemed to bring out even more bad. I think, in retrospect, it has lots to do with core values. I believed that my H had them and I now am forced to consider that he didn't and that he coudn't be loved into adoting many. I think he WANTS to have values but is more stuck with needing a SELF IMAGE that is a shame of his true self. It took me a long time to even consider this possibility. And yet, Id still like to believe that he is just lost, that her really has the capsacity to love...someone ...besides himself. I always believed that he loved his daughter, yet some bizarre things (before we separated) make me even question that. He loves as long as he has the control and isnt' NEEDED. He can't stand anyone to NEED him. And I think this may be because he struggles to deliver,yet doesn't want anyone to know that. He says that he is very self-contained and doesn't NEED anoyone...but Ididn't need a C to grasp that he is in truth someone who NEEDS more than the average joe...and that his denial is part of his inability to love.
Tye fixer in me still wants to help him find himself, and yes, I understand that if it isn't controlling it is still perceived as controlling and that I gave it my best shot for 25 years and just couldnt do it. There is a psych theory that explains his inability to confront himself, and I try to believe it becasue it makes it easier...Ya know, his choices aren't because he is sadistic, but because he CANT rather than WONT. It helps a lot.
Of course, it doesn't help me with MY issues, one of which may be that I am attracted to this kind of man. I know that I couldn't survive another go round, but am at a loss to gigure out how to know when and if a similar man appears in my ife again. (I was so careful the first time, and the red flags that I am now accused of ignoring weren't visible for years. Scary thought. O course, not loving nor being loved is also a scary thought.
SO: the idea of detaching IS indeed a win=win possibility, but maybe only when and if it is undertaken with a partner who is willing to accept the responsibility that you are giving, I think perhpas that some people can't handle that responsibiltiy...which may even be why the R is in the poor shape that it is in in the first place. Sometimes, people are ONLY looking for excuses to validate the actions they have already taken. Hopefully most of us are only looking for hope that change is possible and when our partner gives us the love and trust that true detaching takes...a rare and beautiful gift....they grasp it with their hearts and open themselves to wonderful possibilites.
Although it didn't work out well for me, that doesn't mean it won't for YOU. I still think it awesome advice and look forward to reading more of this discussion!
What a great bunch of posts here! I really needed to read this today. I think I've come a long way in detaching, but I do struggle with being impatient and wanting things to move along quicker than they are... Here's my example:
What is H doing? He says he will not go through with D and wants to reconcile. So what is taking so long to move forward? He must not be serious. He must be playing some kind of game with me.
How about: H says he needs to take this slow and he is afraid of screwing it up. He is having a tough time right now and is taking baby steps. He's been willing to talk a bit about this. It's good that he can be honest about it.
H continues to lie to me over and over again. H is hiding his affair with OW and is trying to have his cake and eat it too.
H lies to me because he does not feel safe telling me the truth. H is still working on tearing down that wall he has built around him. H will not bring up anything that has to do with his female friend to me because I have acted very controlling and judgemental of their friendship in the past.
It's funny how things work in life. I read your post and it makes so much sense. Very hard, but makes sense.
Funny how things connect in the world. The day you registered was the day I found out about my H's A. And, now here you are with a kernel of wisdom that I need so much at this time in my life.
Thanks .... VelvetPear
With time and patience, the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown.
~Chinese Proverb~
This is a great post Kitti, and like the others this is the first time detatching has really made sense to me too.
Quote: This morning driving into work, traffic was terribly slow, it had snowed a little and with the first snow of the year everyone forgets how to drive. I was the fourth car behind a person who driving overly cautious...SLOW. And I was getting frustrated, angry, talking to myself, "lady you're slowing up everybody" it was a chain reaction behind me...there was a stream of cars. But, it didn't matter what I said or how I felt, she wasn't going to change her speed. She was in control of her vehicle, I was not. As I was feeling the emotions, from anger, impateince, wanting her to go faster it came to me that this feeling was the same feeling I had with H. If H wouldn't do what I wanted him to do, I would get impatient, angry and no matter how impatient, how much yelling I did it doesn't matter, I AM not in control of my H/traffic. The emotions are the same, this is something I recognized for the first time today.
This is so true!
I have noticed my S(4) trying to control his little sister, telling her off for laughing at something on TV if he doesn't think it is funny. My mum is INCREDIBLY controlling, no-one can sneeze without her permission! So I am finally beginning to realise that I have NO BUSINESS telling anyone else how to behave unless it is doing me some harm (real harm not just annoyance - LOL).
Thanks for this
Frna
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
