Hi Johanna Hope you are OK. Sending you love (and possible WHOMPASS?)
Cloudnine I think you are right- be nice to your little nest of vipers. When she says she needs space it probably means you are trying to push things along too fast. Slow down and give her time to think about what a great guy you are.
My thoughts are with you. I do still hope you can work something out with hubby, but I'm learning that we drive our own happiness in this life. Would he be willing to go to therapy to have a happier dissolution of the marriage? It can be done.
I really don't know what to say, Jo. It's a tough time for us both, so my heart is genuinely with you today. I will stay in touch re your posts over on STBD.
Wanted to supply an update on my situation. I met the wife yesterday for our talk. We had been in our corners for a couple days, me trying to giver her her space. We sat down, and I pulled out every kind word, every sincere feeling about her, and paid tham on the table. I told her that I hate us being so hateful to each other, that we can be best friends again if we start respecting each other, that i intend to be more kind to her and to our girls (not being so sarcastic or mean spirited), and that I can empathize for what she must have long felt about me. In fact, I'm probably feeling only a fraction of what she's dealt with for years from my behavior.
By the end of the talk, we hugged, and we went out to dinner together as a family. I kept the pressure off her, and just let her have a good time in a safe environment with me. We parted ways at the end of the night, and it felt good that we didn't fight.
She did talk about the Fireman a bit. She told me that he has nothing upstairs, and prefers that he just shut up and look good. I think she's still seeing the guy, but I have no proof. Part of me doens't care, as long as she's getting him out of her system. She just said that she got to live out every woman's fantasy....and that is all it was. It was half fantasy, and half revenge f@#k for what I did years ago. (Is it really every woman's fantasy to have a hunky fireman?) What does this do to me? I have two responses: one is that I know I'm a very attractive man, and could have 2 or 3 particular women in bed by this weekend. But that's not what I WANT to do. I want my wife, eventually. Part of me does want to get laid though. The second reaction is that I'm afraid I will always be compared to this guy in looks, tan, abs, face....everything. The first few times of having sex with the wife might be weird because of this. What would YOUR response be??
I'll check in tomorrow. Everyone keep Johanna in your prayers. It's her turn to get some serious TLC.
I will come through this as I have every other crappy thing that I have dealt with in my life. I just have been trying hard not to have to make this choice, but the decision was out of my hands. My H does not want what I want in our R, and I can no longer wait in vain for him to become a H to me. Life is too short and I have been far too patient. I have to move on to save my sanity.
You are more centered and less angry tonight. I know that the anger and depression are hard to fight but you did a good job today. Keep up telling your W that you love her. Do not push. She needs to come to you more than you go to her. I'm glad that you went to dinner as a family, that is so important for the girls right now.
She admits that the Firef**K was just a fantasy thing for her and he is a good looking idiot. Since she has realized that he is pretty mindless, the attraction was just a physical thing.
You have much more to offer her with your wit, intelligence and humor. Let it go, forgive and forget this painful episode. It may take some time for you to reach that point, but you can get there.
Still sounds like part of her not being able to truely forgive you. You have to forgive her to move on. If she see total forgiveness from you, then she may reach forgivess for you. Remember when you are back with your wife that you are making love to her, and only her. That is part of the forgiveness.
Corri also needs your prayers tonight as there was a death in the family.
Cloudnine...I thought I'd chime in here. You asked how weird it would be to make love to your W again, after she's had this fling. Having been through that in a prior marriage, let me tell you: it will be as weird as you make it. You can let the thoughts of fireman consume you while your touch your W's most private parts, or you can just file it away, enjoy the moment with your W, give her the attention she deserves and craves, and get past it all. It's a tall order, but worth it. Remember, SHE was able to get past it knowing you had been with another woman. She deserves the same compassion from you.
Hate to answer a question with a question, but how are YOU doing? I'm more concerned about you these days. I'm staying in touch with Corri as well, and keeping tabs on her family situation.
Today, I'm feeling like I'm catching a cold. As for the marriage, I'm down again. The weekend, as you read, was great, but I went to the wife's last night to drop off the daughter, and stayed to chat with the wife for a bit. I think she grows a bit weary of my talking. While I said a lot of good things to her on Sunday, she wants to be patient to ensure that I mean business. She doesn't trust that I do. I told her that we want the same things....security, safety, someone to love us, appreciate us, respect us....that we're basically after the same goal. She admits that it's a two-way street, but I feel like she is just not into it. I'm starting to get impatient. I want results, and I feel like I'm the only one extending myself. She says some good things, but her actions, sometimes, indicate otherwise. I truly wonder today if she can ever let me into her heart. Do I really want to keep beating a dead horse? I still feel like she does not love me, so why bother. I don't need to see her until tomorrow night, when I drop our daughter off again, so I don't plan to call her between now and then. I'm so sick of this up-and-down stuff. I'd rather invest in a new relationship, or at least that's what I'm thinking.
Enought about me.....what's going on with your decision? Have things changed, or are you proceeding with finding a lawyer and moving down a new road? You sound good on your posts; I just hope you're really doing okay. I'm always available via email or phone if you need me. It's nice to have SOMEONE to talk to when the anxiety strikes.
Ups and downs, familiar territory as we all know. I am not going to start anything right now. Just trying to get my head on straight before I do anything. After all these years, there is no rush. Not like I have someone waiting in the wings. It's just really hard to come to terms with fighting a losing battle.
He called last night and we talked a long time. He still wants to try, setting timetables, counseling, all of that. Where was that years ago so that we would not be at this point now, I asked? He just did not realize how serious the issues were. Okay, I think that I would have sat up and taken notice if my spouse was crying, telling you that they are almost ready to have an affair just to get some touching, that they are being pushed into the arms of others by his lack of attention. He did not notice? He did not want to notice because it would have taken effort on his part to make any changes. He is really scared that the D will happen. He has made the decision for me and can't even acknowledge that.
I don't want this to become hurtful and hateful like many D's are. So I am going to take my time to make good decisions, hopefully. I have lots to think about.
He really is a sweet guy, but absolutely clueless what it takes to have a marriage. He wants a roommate, and I cannot be that person. I want a Husband, that is why I got married, to share my life with someone that wanted to share his life with me. He has walls that I doubt that even with extensive therapy he will ever be willing to let down and me in. Why should I have to wait for a very slim "maybe" that things will change? He had walls before we married, but through time they have gotten higher and he cannot explain why.
As far as the posts go, my defense mechanism is to be a brassy smart a$$, so I really have gone to the extreme with that. I know that I have probably offended some people. Sorry about that, if I have.
This is not the time for you to be impatient. I know how hard it is for you to have patience, but you have to now more than ever. Your W is very confused and the last thing that you need to do is pressure her. Take your time. It might not heal all wounds, but it can help you get a clearer perspective as to what you need to do next. I don't see that you have a dead horse here, just a very confused filly. Hanging up your spurs is NOT what you want to do. You really love her and the kids, you want a family and you need to wait for her to see you in a clearer light.
