I was hoping to get to Sunday on my old thread but did not count with the lock patrol. Today is a busy day at work and have not been able to check much, but I did want to start a new thread.
Thanks, Pam, for the idea on the new title... Comes from a poem by a Spanish poet called Antonio Machado, writen in the early days of the 20th century.
Quote: O Wayfarer, it is your footsteps that are the path and nothing else; O Wayfarer, there is no path, you make your own path as you step. As you step you make your own path, and when you turn your eyes back, you see the road that you'll never tread on ever in your life. O Wayfarer, there is no path only wakes in the sea
OK, kitti, here is the other post. We will not know the outcome until Sunday... but we are going to Houston tomorrow!
Quote: Well, my BB brothers and sisters, bear with me because this is going to be a very, very long post.
Today started pretty well, with early morning ML, a nice conversation about finances (H asked for the papers from the CPA and said he had wanted to make an appointment for Fri, but that is when H is in Houston, so he'd try for next Mon or Wed), and H asking us to go with him to Houston on Fri so that I could take my daughter to NASA while he worked. Life back to normal, or so it seemed...
I went to the bank to deposit my paycheck and remembered I had not seen any statements in the last couple of months, so I asked what the address in the joint checking account was. The girl told me "No, it is not the one in the deposit slip; it is still in the computer as [OW's home address]. I kept my cool, tried to change the address but it was too early and the lobby was not yet open (I was in the drive through), so I left.
You can well imagine all the things that went through my mind in the drive to work. I passed by my H's office and he was not there (neither was OW), so I paged him and he answered from the same place I was heading to. I told him we needed to talk and asked him to wait for me there.
I can see you all shaking your heads and thinking the iron should be struck cold... but I thought this was too important... not a matter for delays. And I felt too nauseated by all that to go behind his back to investigate when and where the change was made and by whom (which I can well do: my business account is in the same branch). It felt degrading somehow. And I was not ready to spend the rest of the day torturing myself over the matter.
In any case I got there and found my H. We sat down and I calmly explained what had happened. I also told him this was not something I was ready to tolerate. He said that the address had been changed a long time ago and OW had been giving him the statements, which he kept in his office. I said "let's go there and I will pick them up". He said he'd bring them himself. I did not ask him why he had not changed the address back, but I did ask why he had not told me. He did not answer.
Then we talked some more. I am not sure of who started the topic but we both agreed that we could not go on with this dynamic. H offered to leave again and look for an apartment or stay at his office. He asked me to give him time and seemed to think that would give us a chance to see things clearly. I did not agree, but did not say so, just listened and validated. He seemed to think a bit more about it and said he could leave after the weekend.
He said he saw a separation as a chance to have time and think things over but he understood that I saw it as the end of the R. He asked me to please not go to the lawyer and proceed with the divorce, to give him and us time to fix things. But he also acknowledged that he could not and would not stop me if I wanted a divorce. He agreed again that I could have whatever I wanted as a settlement and he would accept any conditions I wanted to set.
He asked me to please not get hysterical (his words) and start talking to my friends or sending e-mails or talking to my family...; that that had got us in trouble before, and he feared some things could not be fixed (I suspect that he is right on that, at least about my family. Do not think that rift is fixable )
I did not ask him to stay; I told him I did not agree with a S but if that was what he wanted, I would accept it. He repeated that I thought that was the end but it was not to him, just a timeout (repeated that several times). That I had asked him to change and he was doing it, but that would mean we'd have more confrontations. I agreed and added I thought confrontations were not a bad thing 'per se'.
He brought up the August vacation. Said that going there with our D had been a great idea (mine, BTW ), but that I had wanted to go too and that may not have been so good (he asked me to go, but I did not point that up).
He seemed to regret that we had gone back together after that... (an ASSumption, I know) and he may well be right. He said things were much better between us but that he was feeling oppressed and pressured. That he was scared of staying late to work because of what I might think he was doing and that he had nearly stopped working, and taking quite a few risks to finish early and be home.
He insisted that he did not blame me, that it all was his fault, that he understood my anguish and had tried to help (at this I said 'and you did help me a lot') but that he could not do more, did not know what else to do. That he did not have to ask for forgiveness from anyone except from me and our daughter, but that he could not because she was too little to understand.
I stole a page from Acorn and told him that this was not the M I wanted. That I wanted a marriage in which he was my friend, my lover, my helpmate. That I was not going to settle for less and he needed to help me rebuild the trust. I explained to him that I understood that it was difficult for him to get rid of OW, but I was afraid that things would revert to old patterns. I reminded him of the times when our R had gotten better to then backslide and how it coincided with his break ups with OW and their re-starting their A. I explained that I could not rest easy knowing that she still controlled his life and his finances. I told him I even felt resentful of his work, because to me it felt like time stolen from us since the proceeds were just to pay OW's salary and car.
Do not think we were screaming or reproachful. We were not. H dropped a couple of tears but I did not cry. I felt curiously at peace, calm and collected. I still feel like that three hours later.
In all we talked for about 30-40 minutes, so I am probably forgetting some of the things we said. I have also forgotten most of the order of topics but I do not think it really matters...
He touched on how he felt that my sibs had ignored and insulted him in his own house. I agreed, and pointed out how grateful I was for his improved behavior and how I had talked to my bro and how things had gotten better towards the end (it did not seem to be much consolation to him, though ). He said he feared that relationship was beyond mending (he is probably right).
As to the finances, he said that he was working on it, which was why he wanted to talk to the CPA. He said he had told me about his new savings accounts when he did not have to and that the money he had there was to pay some old college debt... I explained to him that I was not going to accept that OW and he had a joint bank account (he said that account had been closed) and that I wanted him to take her off the business accounts and put me instead. I told him I did not want to control him but I had to have some sense of security.
At this point it felt to both of us that we had talked enough. More conversation would had been repetitive. He proposed that we talk again on Sunday and discuss what to do. He seems to want another S, but is not too sure (may be my validating hit a cord there). I do not think it will help, but I am not going to oppose it. I will give him whatever space he wants.
I am SO at peace that is unbelievable. The fear is gone and so is the anguish. I took the leap, I let go of the need for security and told him I will not stay in a R without trust. I may crash and burn, but it is a risk that I needed to take.
For those who choose to play it safe and never stray too far Me I want to live my life and one day leave my mark And it all might come together And it all might come unraveled
I have stepped onto the tightrope. I hope my H will meet me midway... but if he does not or cannot I will be OK. The fear is gone and there is only me in the place where fear used to be.
Thanks for listening.
... and he did bring the bank statements yesterday... in 4 unopened envelopes.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I am so moved by your whole post, but this is the best part:
Quote: I am SO at peace that is unbelievable. The fear is gone and so is the anguish. I took the leap, I let go of the need for security and told him I will not stay in a R without trust. I may crash and burn, but it is a risk that I needed to take.
You may crash and burn or you may not, at least you know what "peace" feels like and as long as you have FELT it, it will come back, you will want it back.
I hear such tremendous courage and strength while reading your posts. You seem to have found the right balance between loving your H and advocating for yourself. I applaud you! I am also finding that DBing takes us to a place of serentity and harmony...and from that place, we can see things clearly.
You are an inspiration to a newcomer like me. Kudos again and good luck in the next few days. I'll keep watching your posts.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Thank you all for visiting. And frankly, I am still at total peace So much so, in fact that I am taking my time to finish at work before heading for an unexpected 3 day weekend...
That must be what Acorn meant by detachment... I am not even worried about Sunday!
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
but we are going to Houston tomorrow!