I gave the book to my wife, wrapped as a gift and a sweet "I love you" card as she was boarding a plane for a 4 hour flight and visit to her sisters. The card said great stuff. I wrote some sweet message, and noted that she was the world to me. I wanted to increase our marriage. To please read the book (I already had) and that I wanted to discuss it.
That was August 2003. No word of the book, until a week or two after her return, in passing she said she started the book and would like to discuss it in the future.
I've asked a couple of times about it... I happened across it in one of her drawers, while putting away the laundry. It was book marked near the end of the first chapter. (She is a voracious reader) So what's up with that?
Like any discussion, statement, or question about sex, she ignored the remark and changed the subject.
What do I do now?
I'm the HD spouse, with a similar situation as the very active poster CeMar...
Help.
Additional info: Our 3rd anniversary is next week. On Saturday we fly to Miami for our annual honeymoon vacation. Which also becomes my annual sexual spree, where I am gifted with sex more than once in a week. If like last year, it will be 3 or 4 times during the seven days.
Perhaps make a goal to discuss each chapter (I assume you've already read or are reading the book) after a given amount of time (a week, two, a few days, whatever). Then, you can kind of keep on her progress through the book.
I am reading the book TO my husband, since he really dislikes reading and I know he would never do that on his own. It is interesting, because as I am reading, I will stop and we will discuss something that sparks one of our (usually mine) interests. Still, it gets good conversation going.
And as for the "sex spree," isn't it funny how they can step for things like anniversaries and special occasions? I wasn't even sure if we would consummate our wedding night for a few weeks. I had prepared myself for that and also for disappointment on the honeymoon. However, my husband shocked me completely! We made love on our wedding night, by his iniation, AND we made love three times on our seven night honeymoon. Not that we were swinging from the chandeliers or anything, but it was a lot more than what I was hoping for, and definitely satisfied me.
Good luck on your anniversary trip! Take all the sex you can get!
My question would be what do you do differently for her during your vacation that makes her want to have sex with you more often? Is she just less stressed or do you pay more attention to her? Do you romance her more? Are your routines leading to sex different?
I think that a lot of LD spouses justify their rejection to soothe their own guilt. I think that on honeymoons, anniversary trips, and the like, they know what the expectations are and can find little justification for not getting it on.
I know for my LD spouse, "getting away from it all" seems to help. Unfortunately, it is impossible to replicate that in every day life. I have tried unplugging the telephone, drawing the blinds, and pretending we are at a hotel, but real life always intercedes. I guess more trips are in order.
Let's face it, look at the media and these people a constantly seeing sex. I also think that they know deep down that there is supposed to be great sex in a marriage. Heck, if they read any of the relationship experts in book or magazines, they are going to find out that they are not living up to expectations of OTHER people. I have yet to read ANY relationship book that will tell you that it is possible to have a great marriage without great sex. As they all put it, the only way to have a great, sexless marriage is if you marry another LD spouse. I think that in my wifes case, she KNOWS she is not very sexual and HATES anything that will remind her of that fact, and therefor AVOIDS the issue whenever possible. HD spouses also do this, but just on other issues. Everybody recognizes their weaknesses and tends to avoid them when ever possible.
Also, LD spouses hate to be told they are dysfunctional in anyway. My wife has gotten very angry at me for even suggesting she is dysfunctional, EVEN THOUGH IT IS CALLED "Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder(Dysfuntion)". Can you imagine going to the Doctor because you feel under the weather only to have the Doctor say "I know your under the weather, I know what your illness is, but I better not tell you as you might get mad if you hear the medical term."
Until you can somehow get the LD spouse to understand that they have a problem, it appears that not much will get accomplished. Us HD spouses must fix as much as we can about the relationship, but it still requires the LD spouse to acknowledge there is a problem. Funny thing about the definition of "Hypoactive Sexual Desire Dsyfuntion" is this, that it is NOT a dysfunction if it does not cause relationship problems between spouses, but if it does cause stress between the spouses, it is a MAJOR(and the experts EMPHASIZE MAJOR) problem that the couple should seek immediate relational help from trained therapists.
I think that 90% of the battle is just getting a LD spouse to understand that sex is an emotional need NOT a physical need. I know that my wife has needs, but I don't think there is anyway to really describe a man's sexual need, because the man's sexual need is driven so hard by testosterone. It has to be about as bad as someone that needs a fix on drugs. About the only time in my wifes life that I could say that she has had this kind of need that is so physically driven would be in those few seconds right before climax for her. You know the point in sex where the women is just before orgasm and begs you not to stop what you are doing. This is about the only time I have ever seen a women have a physical need for something that is as intense a need that men have to put up with 24/7. It never goes away.
I am LD, and the last thing I would call myself is dysfunctional. I don't have a problem, and I never did. The habitual chaos came from me buying into someone else's opinions of me, and therefore, I lived in constant conflict.
The day I accepted myself for who and what I was, with no guilt associated with that acceptance, is the day my life changed. I no longer gave on someone else's terms, on someone else's watch, according to someone else's standards or expectations. I give, and give more, because it makes me feel good. Period. If a by-product of that giving makes my H feel good as well, then so much the better. But I do NOT give to meet his needs. I give to meet MY need to give.
I have found that the more I give, the more I love. And the more I experience love, the more I want to give. I practice it every day. Some days I do it better than others. Some days I fall flat on my ass. But because I can now own who I am and what I want to be, I get up everyday and try the best that I am able. I give to experience my love. That giving will take various forms, and it's not always sex.
For me, loving also means accepting graciously that which my H gives to me. Like me, he will give better on some days than others. But each day he tries his best. For me to stand and criticize him of his efforts is to cruelly spurn that which has been given honestly and with love.
Who the hell am I to judge him and tell him that today, his best just ain't good enough? How could I, in claiming to love someone, say to them, "Your giving today just didn't fill up my cup, and it hasn't come close to meeting MY needs in a long, long time. I'll tell you what, you'd better start paying attention baby because I don't know how long I can take your half-assed attempts."
Have I not cringed and wallowed in that poison myself? Do I not know first hand the misery of such contempt?
The day my misery stopped is the day I stopped being miserable.
That was very well put. I have been reading this forum just about everyday for several months. What it seems to me is there are many different opinions and not everyone is going to agree. I have read the book SSM and found it very interesting. Have even tried a few things in the book. Get my LD husband to read it? I hardly think so considering he feels therapists are a bunch of bunk. I myself have not been touched by my spouse in over 3 yrs. We have separate bedrooms and I have been sleeping alone for the better part of 10 yrs. He was LD back when we got married 21 yrs ago but I was too stupid/nieve to recognise it. Back then it didn't bother me. just MHO if 2 people can't come to a compromise then its never going to work. I will continue to read, it helps me to understand that there are other women out there that are HD. At least I don't feel so alone like I used to. Have a good day.
HSDD to me just seems to be another way of describing a SSM, just in a more technical sense. HSDD only becomes a dysfunction when it bothers the HD spouse, which of course it almost always does, otherwise this forum would not exist.
I don't understand though why the HD spouse should not have the right to judge the LD spouse on weather they meet the HD spouses needs. Us HD spouses are being told non-stop on here that the LD spouses just are not in the mood because us HD spouses are not meeting their needs, that we must change into better human beings before their cups are full enough. It seems to me that both sides are judging each other. If your husband never talked to you again, and never spent quality time with you, and never wanted to be open and honest with you, and never wanted to share anything of himself with you, would you say, that's ok , I can't really judge you. I still love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. Now you know what it is like to be HD, because we really only want one thing in life, a fullfilling sexual relationship with our lovers.
