I know that a lot of you have heard the old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" (ILYBNILWY) line. I have a question that has been rolling around in my head for a while.
BTW, my H never said that to me. He actually told me he still loved me more than ever. When I told him several days later that I was going to make him fall in love with me all over again, he said that he'd have to fall out of love with me to do that. Needless to say, that made me feel wonderful. ANYWAY, back to my question...
What in the world do those of you who have been told that think it means? I know that there are different kinds of love, but what do you think is the difference in loving your S and being in love with your S?
I personally think that a lot of people think that when you are in love with someone you should always have that pulse-racing, romantic, lovey-dovey feeling and that you always feel loving toward that person. I think that when they don't have that feeling the majority of the time, they then start to think that they are no longer in love, but that they simply love that person. Does that make sense?
I'd really like to hear what you think. I think that that line, ILYBNILWY, is the most ridiculous statement.
I personally think that a lot of people think that when you are in love with someone you should always have that pulse-racing, romantic, lovey-dovey feeling and that you always feel loving toward that person. I think that when they don't have that feeling the majority of the time, they then start to think that they are no longer in love, but that they simply love that person. Does that make sense?
I think you hit it right on the nose.
My husband did say this to me. Said he loved me like he loved his mother...but he didn't want to LIVE with her, and he definately didn't want to live with me anymore...or ever again.
That's obviously no longer the case...and was a big clue to me of how he perceived me.
Hi LO, I also think that you nailed it, but I also think it means that they still care for you, but do not have the desire or possibly strength to put in the effort to do things to validate that love. Somewhere along the line this was lost in them. My WAW told me that she loved me, but that she felt our love was more of a brother/sister relationship.
Funny you should ask, I was thinking about this a good part of the week.
ILYBIDLY means that they have given up on the UNCONDITIONAL love and sacrifice of self that is the key ingredient of lasting marriage. We can do loving acts for freinds, neighbors, and our relatives, but that's not marital love.
For our kids, we have unconditional love and put up with everything they throw our way, even if we get angry at them or lose our cool. When the dust settles, we will still do anything for them.
Thus, ILYBIDLY means that they still have loving feelings towards you and don't want to hurt you, but they have reached the point where their personal needs outweigh the benefits they receive in marriage. Perhaps they feel that we gave up on marital love to them a long time ago. Or at leats we didn't speak their love language. This also is what drives the tremendous negativity. Such decisions are not reached lightly and they have to prove in their minds that their breaking of the marital vows are justified because you have not lived up to the bargain.
That is also why the key to successful DBing is a loving detachment. While that might sound like an oxymoron, the detachment enables you not only to avoid taking things personally, but also to assess your spouse from a distance and contemplate the meaning of what unconditional love means to her and how you've provided or have failed to provide it. That's the new world of possibilities that are opened to us through detachment and which enable us to provide the kind of love that our spouses have long sought, but feel we are incapable of delivering. This new ability on our part to show unconditional love is what ultimately brings our spouses back.
Now this is not to say we should be doormats. We love our kids unconditionally, but don't give them everything they want. But even if our kids don't like us at times, don't we always strive to show them that we love them no matter what and to do so in a manner that they udnerstand, i.e., speak their love language?
I'm also not saying this is easy or that our spouses don't have issues of their own to deal with (perhaps insurmountable issues), but the bottom line is that soemthing in their lives clicked to say that the unconditonal love is not coming from us and why should I keep killing myself to reciprocate. The "I deserve better" mentality.
He said that he felt differently about me, he felt like he was just my best friend, albeit his best friend in the world and always would be. He has also said that he does love me (always sounds like a "but" should come after that).
He didn't appear to feel this way until he started an A. Right before that he was telling me how great our life together was and how much he loved me and why he loved me. I think he got the "fallen in love" feeling for OW and then questioned what his love for me meant?
Ex-b said that and said that he didn't feel "sparks". Duh! How many sparks do you feel after 3 years? I mean, I still felt them - but not on a constant basis.
By the time you've known someone a while, sparks can take a lot of work. You know each others good and bad side.
What ex-b and I had was plenty enough for a relationship. Attraction on both sides. We talk easily. We have lots in common. He did feel smothered, though he didn't tell me (I can see how, but I certainly didn't need to do all that I did). So he missed "sparks".
I figure at some point that he'll realize he'll never have continual sparks with anyone else. I was his first long-term relationship (his longest one otherwise was like 4 months).
Supposedly he started feeling less sparks at the 2 year mark (suprise, surprise - that is about the time that relationship books say it will happen). Of course, he never said anything - he acted like everything was fine. We got cell phones together, I helped him a little financially in buying a vehicle, we did things together, etc.
Anyway - I think ILYBINILWY means they are lacking in sparks, losing the luster, it's a bit less shiny. And at that point, they generally aren't wanting to work on the R any longer.
I think merrick summarized it very well, at least in the context of longer term Rs.
My W and I had been married for just over 10 years when I heard it. Now, I've come to accept and forgive myself for the ways in which I din't give her what I should have in terms of love. But one person can only go so far.
I like the way merrick puts a positive spin on it though, keying on detachment. Perhaps with time apart, partners once unfulfilled can see the meaning of unconditional love and the truth that fulfillment comes from within first.
I'm starting to ramble now too. Good post merrick!
Merrick, I do think that you nailed it pretty good. Like I said, I've never had it said to me, in fact had the opposite said, but I've wondered what it meant to people.
I believe that I do love my H unconditionally. I think that he knows that. Maybe that is why he said he still loved me and wanted our M. I don't know. I think that my faith in God has made this love possible. I'm not saying that a non-believer can't have unconditional love, I'm just saying that I believe for me that it comes from a higher source.
I appreciate what you said about loving detachment. I think the idea of detaching and not taking the things he does personally had slipped past me. I need to work on that one.
This is really interesting to read what you all think about this.
Funny - I'm not sure I ever really internalized the ILYBNILWY. Not sure I could really make sense of it.
I KNEW she loved me. This seemed to me something to say to try to justify her feelings and actions; she had been distancing herself for awhile, was very confused.
My take-away was that her needs weren't being met, she was being sucked dry by the demands of our life, she wasn't happy, and was very confused about our life.
What got me was: "I can't stand this relationship." Now, THAT I internalized.
all I can say is this..when my h finally gave me the ilybnilwy line it was his reasoning for wanting a divorce...my response to him was simply...well I am not "in love" with you either..I just happen to love you.
what is love... what is in love...
I think you pretty much nailed it with in love being that pitter patter feeling...while love is much deeper...sad that so many will shove asside that deep feeling just for a bit of pitter patter (oh crap just realized pitter patter probably isn't the right phrase but you get my drift)
LL who doesn't have time to be too wordy as the pitter patterers in this house are wrestleing me away from the puter as I type.
