I went over and read the thread about LDwife that you talked about earlier - she DID mention the fact that she was not comfortable with anal sex and had informed her H of this, and yet woke up to find her H in the act, as it were.
Surely these things need to be discussed or entered into willingly? Not everyone is happy with EVERY variant and practice of sexual intercourse, surely they are allowed their parameters? It shouldn't be forced on an unwilling partner?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
LNL - I agree they shouldn't be forced on an unwilling partner - but if HE's asleep when it starts, and SHE's asleep - and I suspect she must be responding to his touching in her sleep if he's able to accomplish anal intercourse, which as I said, isn't very easy to do due to the normal sphincter response to tighten up on stimulation. Notice too that she said she didn't like it, but didn't mention whether it had previously been part of their sexual repertoire - if it had, he may have just thought he had to wait until she seemed to respond to him - and maybe she did, in her sleep.
I guess what bothered me most about the whole thing was the insistence on viewing his behavior in the worst possible light (rapist) rather than the most likely light (given his otherwise excellent behavior, according to her) - and the most likely explanation is that he's just a poor guy who wants to be welcomed into his wife's arms in a loving way.
And before anybody blasts me. no I am NOT saying "she asked for it" - only that her H may be successful in arousing her when she is asleep - a little different picture than her "limp and unwilling body" picture.
And how sad is it that so many of us get into that defensive posture where sex is something our spouses want to "take" from us, rather than the gift they want to give TO us. Nothing like almost losing your spouse to turn your perspective around on that one, hey?
Family is going everywhich way this weekend - i think I got the best deal though - I get to take S12 to the local mountains to board in his first snowboarding contest How cool is that?
Quote: And how sad is it that so many of us get into that defensive posture where sex is something our spouses want to "take" from us, rather than the gift they want to give TO us. Nothing like almost losing your spouse to turn your perspective around on that one, hey?
Indeed! The libido suddenly bursts into life, where before the resentment or whatever completely obliterated it! LOL!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: She's decided that since her poor starved H sometimes initiates sex in the middle of the night when she's asleep and he's half asleep too, that he's a rapist! It's obvious she is looking desperately for a way to avoid dealing with her own issues because true intimacy would make her vulnerable, so she's shifting the focus onto her H. But I find it quite disturbing how many women are jumping in and agreeing with her that her H has done something horrible!!! There is a warped societal support out there for this male-bashing viewpoint, and I want to apologize to all the men here for the weirdness of women!! Somehow it is okay to say things about men that would be considered absurd if you turned them around. What if men were dragging their wives off to counselors and accusing them of rape because their wives tried to give them a BJ in their sleep? Not to diminish the horrible thing that happened to LDwife in her teens, but there is a lot of support for remaining a "victim" all of your days - and it conveniently lets you off the hook for any responsibility for your own life. The more you dwell on the bad thing that happened to you in your past, the less you have to take responsibility for not pulling your weight in your present relationships.
I hope the poster gets the help she needs. She is the one with the issues that need help (for valid reasons), he just is trying to show his love for her. Sex should be part of a healthy marriage. *Ellie
Bravo! You must be the divorcebusting.com expert. You prance around like a know-it-all and spew sh*t without all of the facts first. Are you naturally a gossip? It sure seems that way - and it's very offensive and tacky. You obviously have never been abused. That is a wonderful thing, but to automatically dismiss me as a sick, delusional victim who avoids dealing with her issues and not taking any responsibility for not pulling my weight in my relationship is vile and totally uncalled for. Contrary to your opinion that victims are supported in remaining victims, blah blah blah... victims are encouraged to heal and that is where the support comes in. You have no idea what you are talking about and you're tone is so offensive that it makes me want to scream! You are not telling me anything I need to hear thank you very much. Sex is a healthy part of marriage - duh! There have been men who agreed with me too! It's not just a bunch of women; in fact it's only a handful of posters! I'm not dragging my H to counselling and accusing him of rape. Get your head out of your a$$ and step down from your soapbox.
Quote: Rape is a violent act. She has issues to deal with, but they aren't related to her husband. She mentioned that they were both seeing a sex therapist. It sounds more like she just needs to deal with the issues of intimacy and then hopefully the sex part will just take care of itself. I can't imagine having to deal with molestation, rape, etc. and then be with a man after that - but it's not her husbands fault. *dfb
Rape does NOT have be violent to be labelled rape. Again, rape is nonconsensual sex. The way I use the term does not mean I view my H as a rapist. I FEEL RAPED when my NO isn't respected! I do not blame my H for my past. What an idiotic statement. My issues are directly related to my H. Intimacy is based on trust, respect, etc. - if any of those are breached, they must be repaired because "the sex part will NOT just take care of itself!" You need to get your head out of your a$$ too.
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Quote: Oh Ellie, she DID mention the fact that she was not comfortable with anal sex and had informed her H of this, and yet woke up to find her H in the act, as it were. Surely these things need to be discussed or entered into willingly? Not everyone is happy with EVERY variant and practice of sexual intercourse, surely they are allowed their parameters? It shouldn't be forced on an unwilling partner? *Livnlearn
Quote: LNL - I agree, but if HE's asleep when it starts, and SHE's asleep - and I suspect she must be responding to his touching in her sleep if he's able to accomplish anal intercourse, which as I said, isn't very easy to do due to the normal sphincter response to tighten up on stimulation. Notice too that she said she didn't like it, but didn't mention whether it had previously been part of their sexual repertoire - if it had, he may have just thought he had to wait until she seemed to respond to him - and maybe she did, in her sleep. I am NOT saying "she asked for it" - only that her H may be successful in arousing her when she is asleep - a little different picture than her "limp and unwilling body" picture. *Ellie
Open your darned eyes and READ for God's sake! I have said many times that H is AWAKE! Just because my body may be responding to touch DOES NOT imply consent. Many survivors have to forgive themselves for the shame they felt that their bodies responded the way a body is wired to respond, during abusive encounters. Again, you're such an EXPERT Ellie! I do have some class believe it or not and do not divulge ALL information. Does it make it any more believable if I tell you that he stimulated my sphincter with a finger and then I woke up as soon as I was aware of the tightening?? Can you not see how insulting and rude your posts are?
Quote: Bravo! You must be the divorcebusting.com expert. You prance around like a know-it-all and spew sh*t without all of the facts first. Are you naturally a gossip? It sure seems that way - and it's very offensive and tacky.
I am sorry, LDWife but that kind of language is simply not acceptable. You may or may not agree with what Ellie thinks and you may or may not like or take her advice. You may even object to her discussing your sitch in her thread if you want. But coming to her thread to use abusive language is a huge no, no in Piecing.
You are entitled to dissent from Ellie's opinion of you and of anyone. But please, phrase it in a more moderate way.
Ellie's remarks, taken in context, expressed concern about you... if maybe not in the way you understand concern should be phrased. She was not abusive; she just disagrees with your pov. That is one of the reasons we come to the board: to get other opinions from different people. To get always approval, most of us have friends and family members.
As to her qualifications, Ellie is very well aware of what rape is and does not need anyone to update her on it. And she did manage to save her marriage and rebuild her life.
Sorry, Ellie. I do not want to start a controversy in your thread. But I cannot accept abusive language. Even from someone who has very obviously been sorely wounded by others in the past and present.
Last edited by optimist; 01/19/0410:32 PM.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Sorry, are you referring to my use of a$$? or sh*t? I've seen much worse on these boards. I'm sorry you felt so offended, but the comments were directed to her, not you.
I have the pleasure of knowing Ellie. I can state without a doubt that she is one of the finest women I have ever met. She is kind, compassionate, understanding, patient and loyal, to mention just a few of her virutes.
To subject her to this criticism, when she is trying to offer help is unacceptable.
Ellie, many of us are blessed to call you our friend.
How cool is that?