Lessons learned at every bend

[optimist]

Well, this time I got locked before the 200 posts, how unfair! Thanks CHL for the title to my new thread:

George Strait The Road Less Traveled lyrics
(Buddy Brock/Dean Dillion)

There's a road a winding road that never ends
Full of curves lessons learned at every bend
Goin's rough unlike the straight and narrow
It's for those who go against the grain
Have no fear dare to dream of a change live to march to the beat of a
different drummer
And it all might come together
And it all might come unraveled
On the road less traveled

For the road less traveled ain't for the faint of heart
For those who choose to play it safe and never stray too far
Me I want to live my life and one day leave my mark
And it all might come together
And it all come unraveled
On the road less traveled

I've chosen a pathway I may not endure
One thing's for certain nothing for sure
And it all might come together
And it all might come unraveled
On the road less traveled

For the road less traveled ain't for the faint of heart
For those who choose to play it safe and never stray too far
Me I want to live my life and one day leave my mark
And it all might come together
And it all come unraveled
On the road less traveled

There's a road winding road that never ends

I am supposed to be at work but I took a brief break. Both H and I seem to have caught whatever our D has (despite all that frequent handwashing, Totite ).

Beware, guys and girls, major vent follows:

So it may be why I am a bit down. Or it could be that Nov 19 gets closer... the day I got the letter from OW saying my H and her were in love and my opposing a divorce was making their life impossible...

Then it started: H denied and said she was crazy... I wanted to believe him and insisted he fired her... he said he would... he had... I found out he had not... I kicked him out of our house in March... he still denied an A (was faking to live at his office and going to her house at midnight after calling me from the office)... we went to counselling... he still denied... In April 20 he broke with OW (I learned later), but she still works for him... she is 'fired' in May... May 7 I talked to OW when I found her in the office when she was 'fired'... all hell broke loose... May 9 I filed for divorce... May 10 I told H that I had done so: he acnowledged the A, said it was over and agreed to my conditions for D, but asked I waited a couple of days... which turned into weeks... then into months...

In August we went on vacation together and he moved back home. He has been attentive, sweet, tender and understanding... but she still works for him... He wears his wedding ring and spends a lot of time with us and with me... but she still works for him... He is more open and learns from his mistakes... but she still works for him... He had acnowledged his mistake and begged for my forgiveness... but she still works for him... He listens to my body language and reads me as a book... but she still works for him...

Even now that my bro is here and H has relaxed a tiny bit and started to come home earlier and spend lots of time with me/us... I found me torturing myself on the way home with XOW's problem.

He tries, I cannot say he is not trying. But he cannot win, because regardless of what he does, I suspect. I cannot rest, I cannot think, I cannot feel sure... I wish I could... I want not to care... I want to stop my mind... and I do for a little, just to have it start again.

Maybe if I were able to understand why he still keeps her there, I'd be able to stop. But I do not and cannot. He has tried to explain several times but I cannot fathom his explanation.

It is partly the way I am wired. I can accept what I understand even if I do not like it or want it. I accepted his feeling of relief when I found out about the A, only when I came to understand what he meant (but it took three months).

He said in frustration that it was my problem, and it IS my problem, but it is ours because it is making it impossible for me to believe. I focus on the positives, I act 'as if', AND I CANNOT STOP MY DARNED MIND. No stop signs, no meditations, not even sleep, nothing seems to work for any long.

And the worst part is that I do not feel I have a right to complain: I have a lot of blessings. He is here and for whatever motive obviously interested in working through things. That is more than lots of people have.
Venting finished: you can read on



OK, let's be methodic: have a look at my goals (reviewed from 9/03):
My goals so far are simple. Whether they are realistic is another question:
1. OW will no longer work for him by Xmas (major must: a sine qua non) I do not see this any closer
2. He will keep me involved in his office (I have no intention of letting this happen again). He has said he will but keeps postponing any attempt at it
3. We will talk about each other feelings and plans Much, much better. We are having long, albeit infrequent, conversations about how we see things. He never initiates one, but is quite receptive to have them when I do
4. We will spend 15 hours a week together (no work, no kid, only fun) We've been doing pretty well: would have gotten that one done if it were not for sickness and family visitors...
5. He will be able to tell me things he think I will not like without feeling he is letting me down. Much better also. I am much better at validating and listening too

Positives for 11/15/03:
1. He came home at 7 pm (not close to midnight)
2. He sat for a few minutes watching TV with my bro and I before heading into his 'sanctuary'. Also a huge improvement.
3. He said ILY before going to work.

Sorry for the long epistle... I needed to get it out of my system before it poisoned me

Well, Pam, clock is ticking. How long will it take you this time?

[holdingon]

#1

[holdingon]

Good for you to vent it here. I think we all can feel your frustration about OW working with your H. I KNOW you see this as a major problem, and surely a major stress for your H. Why don't they EVER think we have a clue? What is holding her there? Why does he keep her there? I don't understand either, I really don't.

A friend of mine asked me what H's attraction was to his OW. I really don't know. I have no clue. Except there is no history there, no kids, nothing to cause him any pain, nothing to cause him to look inside, nothing to remind him of the pain he has caused. I just finished "Wild at Heart" which is a very good book... it is for guys. I wish my H would read it.

You ARE doing great, and for now, you DO have to focus on the positives. Your NEW R is still young, give it time, hopefully these things will work themselves out. If your H will talk to you, maybe you can say AGAIN how much this bothers you...

[totite]

Hi Opt. Well your positives sound great. I really appreciate your venting here - it provides insight as well.

My H doesn't have OW, but boy, I don't know how you do it. I think that would be one thing that would keep me from biting my tongue and being patient. You are right in your feelings of confusion and frustration where she is concerned.

Hopefully after your brother is gone, you two can begin to work on that issue. You certainly don't want to do it now when he is already uncomfortable.

I can also appreciate your apprehension at the Nov 19 date but look at the positive side - your H is living with you and wearing his ring - he is not with her and when he is, she is simply the hired help and not anything more! How's them apples?!?!?

Hope you are feeling better soon and the bug leaves your home for the rest of the winter!

[optimist]

I think I have a fever. Just called H and he was already home from work (alone with my bro and our D!). He had a meeting with a client at 5:30 pm but wanted to drop us at the bookstore (if I got there on time), then pick us up to go to dinner. I feel quite lousy and do not want to but it is the thought that counts.

Well, holdingon, you beat Pam to the mark this time . And I can totally relate to Annette's post in your thread yesterday:

You commented to him that you understood OW was important to him. BINGO. Whether we, the LBS, like it or not, the OP is important to the RAS. She is the one who was there to comfort him in a time when he did not allow you to be there. My h and I had an interesting discussion recently regarding what happened.

Annette: so, h, what do you think happened? (meaning the mlc)
h: I don't know. I just know that I was in so much pain, that I needed to do something in order to save myself; in retrospect, being with OW was not the right thing to do, but at the time, I could not stay in our relationship. Maybe I needed to be with someone whose only focus was me, who knows?; all I know is, I was ready to commit suicide I was in so much pain;

Annette: so, did you really fall out of love with me, and now suddenly you are back in love with me?

h: No, I always loved you. I just told myself that I did not love you so that I could justify to myself what I was doing to us; I needed to do something so it was easier to tell myself and you that I did not love you anymore. But don't get me wrong. OW is a great person and I care for her (Annette wincing inside, because of course, I have a much different opinion); I love the kids; I love you and I want back what we had;

I wonder whether she is married to my H too... sounds so much like something he would say... it is eirie.

I feel very resentful of the fact that he pushed me aside and let her be there for him when he would not let me in. It makes me despair...

BTW, Totite, tomorrow will be 3 months that my H came back home. He'd tried to before but I refused to let him come back until he got rid of her. Now I wonder whether I did the right thing by relenting this last time. It coincided with my discovering BR and deciding for sure that I wanted the M to recover... It seemed the right thing at the time, but now I wonder... did I send him the wrong message? That I'd tolerate that W if he came home and worked in the R?

Also, any ideas as to how to get rid of her would be appreciated... especially a question for former WAS: what would have made/did make you relinquish the R with OP? Any insights?

I need a beginner's mind badly in this issue...

[holdingon]

I feel very resentful of the fact that he pushed me aside and let her be there for him when he would not let me in. It makes me despair...

Me too. Very upsetting to me to think that when his going got tough he looked elsewhere. To be honest, though, he BLAMED me for everything... he transferred his guilt, his anger, everything about his mom and her death to me. He made it all my fault. So, there was no way he could have turned to me. So, in a very weird way, I was there for him, to be the punching bag, yes, but hopefully some day he will understand that. The other day he said that OW would never wait 6 mos for him (I was telling him he should give himself a break from her...) and I thought, gee, I would, and I have. If only they could see who truly loves them, unconditionally. I suppose we can only pray that someday they will.

[imalright]

All I can say is; I feel for you! ((((HUGS)))). A lot of us know how you feel, but like you said; at least your H is home and wants to work on your M!

Wish I had that!

Hang in there, someday he will kick her butt out!

Deb

[psluke]

Gee Opt,

I take the afternoon off from the computer and you start a new thread!!!

Sending you very positive thoughts to turn things around and have a nice positive and pleasant week ahead!

Oh yeah and for your family to get well and while your at it get David well too would you?

[hoping]

Hey Opt..I feel for you with the ow still working for him...While my H did not have a pa with ff/coworker..he had something..that is over..(she found another available man that likes to drink as much as she does..and he has money)but they still bowl on same team..work at same place..but I now trust what he had been saying all along..I know your sitch is alittle more complicated..and the trust issue will take a long time..but you are looking at positives and that is great.

Sue

[CoolHandLuke]

Opt,

I like the title!