The only thing that troubles me about your post is that if you tell your children not to date "certain" people, you could be shutting a whole spectrum of wonderful individuals out of their lives.
Technically, I had a bit of dysfunction myself growing up. I had a wonderful family life, but I dated a guy in high school that really screwed me up. He had a heart condition for which he took medication. This medication completely eradicated his sex drive. When we first met, I was sixteen and he was eighteen. My parents weren't thrilled about this age difference, until they met him, and all he talked about were Legos! Him having no sex drive was great for me, because I didn't want sex at that time. He was a great boyfriend and a super cuddler, and all he wanted was handholding, cuddling, and maybe some kissing. At the time, I didn't realize that wasn't normal behavior. Our relationship progressed, and time passed, and he went off his medication. Suddenly, his sexual appetite was back and it was HUNGRY. Soon, he was pressuring me for sex. I was only seventeen at this point, and thinking ahead to college and the future beyond. Although I cared for this man, I was at that point dedicated to being a virgin until I was married. I did not want to have sex with him, which started to destruct our relationship. He got arrested for masturbating in public in the final few months of our relationship. It was a horrible time! Even then, I didn't know the whole story and tried to stay with him. He started to become abusive, but I was young and easily manipulated to accept it. He would pinch my breast and tell me that they were too small. He would tell me that I didn't turn him on anyway, and sex would have just been a favor to me. He would drive me to isolated spots and force me to watch him masturbate, telling me that IF I was normal and would have sex with him, then he wouldn't have to do this. I was embarassed, ashamed, and felt guilty and dirty about all of this, and I didn't know who to talk to. Finally, I got the nerve to break up with him and started dating a nice guy. My ex tried to win me back and I got pulled into his trap very easily. I went out with him one night and he went back to the familiar spot. . . where he raped me.
To this day, most of my friends and family do not know this. I suppressed the pain from that night for six months. It was only later, while at college, that I started having nightmares and could not sleep. By that time, I was seeing someone else, and he was the first person that I told about what had happened. I started going to counseling and trying to work through what happened, but for awhile, I was a very damaged person.
To this day, I have some fears about this situation. My ex still lives in our hometown, so when I return there, I am jumpy if I am in an area I know I could run into him. If I do see him, I get panicky and can barely breathe. One time, I saw someone that only looked like him and nearly had a panic attack. Needless to say, you could label me as dysfunctional.
However, I would hate to think that people would refuse to consider me as a good mate. We ALL come to a relationship with some dysfunction. I know that I am far from perfect and that there are many things that I could do to become a better wife/person. But I have so much to give, and I have come such a long way. I used to cringe at someone's touch, and now look at me - the HD spouse!
There are many different dysfunctions out there with many different causes. To eliminate those people wouldn't be fair to your sons, robbing them of a potentially loving and wonderful spouse, and it certainly wouldn't be fair to a person who, largely not to their own fault, has had a history of trauma in their lives.
My own husband comes from a dysfunctional situation. His father passed away when he was ten years old. There were some ugly circumstances surrounding his father's death, and he and his mother have never been able to talk about them. I was the FIRST person he told his story to outside of his family. Dysfunctional? Absolutely. A reason not to marry the guy? Well, perhaps it was this experience that made him the LD spouse. Or perhaps it is something else.
Whatever "caused" my spouse, your spouse, or anyone else's spouse on this website to become the LD one, I have a hard time believing that ANY of them choose to be this way. I know that my husband doesn't want to be LD, that it is embarassing and frustrating to him, and in some of our better talks, he has admitted to me that he wants to change and doesn't know how. When we do go to a counselor, I hope that person instructs us BOTH how to work out of this cycle. If the blame is placed entirely on my H, I know that will never work.
Even if the worst happens, and we end up divorcing, I don't believe that my husband should be deprived of a marriage. LD spouses, from what I am reading in the book and here, have a great capacity for love, and would suffer if they didn't marry. They just show their love in different ways. I just think that in my case, I should have been more honest about what I needed and not have settled in this very important area. But if my LD spouse had married another LD person, I'll bet they would be happy as little clams.
All this said, I still believe, like you, that spouses to have an obligation to compromise, to meet us at least halfway. That they also made choices, and married people they knew were HD. In some cases, I think LD people become more and more so AFTER the marriage, but my husband was LD before he even met me. I expect my husband to at least try and meet my needs and work on our marriage with me. He isn't doing a terrific job at that right now, and that is what is really hurting me.
I think what you should tell your sons is to look for people that they have a lot in common with IN ALL AREAS and not to walk down the aisle until they feel confident that they are compatible. But if your sons are like we were when we fell in love, they will probably make whatever choices they want, regardless of your good advice. So just be there for them, and then you can help them to make wonderful marriages.
CeMar, I find it interesting that you are planning on telling your children to stay away from a certain type of individual because they are dysfunctional. Wouldn't you consider the fact that their mother doesn't show any affection whatsoever to their father, dysfunctional?
All I'm saying is that children learn from what they SEE not what they hear. It is quite probable that your boys will seek out a partner who is similar to their mother. This is what they KNOW of marital relationships.
If you want to spare your kids the pain of this type of marriage, then continue to work on your relationship--that's the only solution that I can see.
I just wanted to say that your post was touching. I'm sure that it wasn't easy to tell about what happened to you in high school and I wanted to let you know that I appreciate your willingness to share. You made a great point that everyone deserves a chance to be loved.
This is a VERY big concern of mine. To raise children properly in a christian way, their needs to be LOT's of kissing, touching, hugging etc. in FRONT of the chidren, afterall, they are going to be future fathers themselves. My wife doesn't see this, but of course, she pretty muc raised herself, so to her there is no issue here.
Now, about the relationship, I will continue to work on it, but how to change a women that does not care for sex into a LOVER, that is the million dollar question is it not? I really think that some guys marry lucky and have wives that can actually maintian a sex drive, and then the other half of us marry women that for a variety of reasons, just flat out lose their sex drive, and without tremendous effort on the LD spouses part, this problem will not be corrected and will eat away the marriage until there is nothing left to save. My hat goes off to Corrie, I wish every LD women could learn from her.
Hi I agree Newlywed. Everyone deserves a chance to be loved. Difficult circumstances in our pasts will obviously have an effect on us, but I like to believe that if you have the desire to become healthier you can, especially if you get some help. Like with addicts the most difficult step is recognising you have a problem.
I had a difficult childhood in many ways. My step father was an alcoholic who used to beat my mother. He did not really care for me and I sort of feel I grew up without a father. My mother was often depressed (not surprisingly) and used to move house every few years, we were always quite poor. I also had a difficult time at school, perhaps partly because of the strange upbringing. I did not fit in and used to get picked on a lot. Although I am quite good academically and did well in my exams I ended up leaving school at 16 and making a lot of bad career moves.
When I met my H I was 17 and just starting my second bad job as a factory hand. He had also had a difficult childhood and we had a lot in common in this way. We could each understand some of the difficulties the other had in dealing with certain situations.
I suppose that this could have negative effects as well, you could drag each other down. If you have read my thread you may have seen the problems I have communicating with him over some issues (including sex). But mainly this has been a wonderful relationship and we have both been very happy. I think I have got over a lot of the problems I had when I was younger. I think of him as a support and our R has really helped me when my life was bad in other ways. I have been very happy with him. I have a good life now and consider myself lucky.
Perhaps I still have some hangups and problems relating to my past but all the great rock stars do too. I think I have also gained some things by what I have gone thru. I have good coping skills, I value what I have more and I am pretty accepting of people. Also perhaps if I had not had these problems I would never have met my H and I would have missed out on a wonderful M.
