First off I'd like to say "hi" to everyone. I have been away from the site for a bit travelling and working on "stuff."
Anyway, the bottom line in my sex-starved-marriage seems to be this: Through therapy my wife has learned that she is not over the sexual abuse she suffered as a child/teen. Until a couple of days after we got married she was able to have a very active sex life because she kept intimacy and sex seperate (which seems to be pretty common with victims of childhood abuse). Now, since she loves me so much, she cannot fathom the idea of having physical intimacy or sex with me. At the recommendation of one of the books she is reading, we are on a "sexual vacation" (I thought we were already on one) for an indefinite period of time. She refuses to read or take seriously the advice in SSM since she is dealing with abuse and she can't "just do it." I understand all this stuff and I feel bad for her but I am pretty far from "ok" with my sex life. I realize that what she has had to endure was hard on her and what she is dealing with now is tough too. However, don't you think there could be a way to deal with this stuff that would be healthy for both of us? The unilateral termination of sex on her part equates to emotional and physical abuse for me. Any ideas?
How the hell are ya!? So glad to see you back on the boards. I'm sorry for the trauma your wife is experiencing, but I do believe you two have made significant strides. It may not FEEL that way, but if your wife is in counseling and she is willing to face her demons... hey, that's one heck of a lot farther that where you were.
I can tell you from personal experience, as I was molested as a child myself, that I understand what it means to seperate sex from intimacy. For your wife to open herself up to you and make herself vulnerable during sex is counter-intuitive for her. It would be like you trying to convince yourself to willing lay your hand down on a hot stove.
When the two of you begin to get sexually intimate, I could well imagine that she feels utterly 'overwhelmed.' I bet she either shuts down completely (unless drunk), or she tips over into a rage. Either sound familiar?
This is going to be a tough one for you to deal with. What does your counselor say about the sexual hiatus? Does he/she support that? Does he/she have a plan for reintroducing sex into your lives? Do you have any thoughts on how you will wade into this with her?
I am doing fine except for this screaming case of blue-balls. :-)
YOu hit the nail right on the head. When she gets drunk (not everytime) she is really fun in bed. Otherwise physical intimacy does not happen...period. We hold hands and sit together on the couch and stuff but that is about it. No kissing other than a little peck when I leave or come home. Anyway, she gets overwheled very easy but this is getting better (except about sex).
It has been very tough so far. My real fear is that I don't have what it takes to go years without real and active physical/sexual intimacy from my spouse.
I am not sure if she has told her counselor about the sexual hiatus. I'll ask her about that tonight.
Some of the books she is reading provide exercises on how to recover the sense of touch and then recover sexuality but she does not seem to want to implement them on a regular basis. If I bring it up she throws the old, "I have to do this on my watch and in my own time when I am comfortable" stuff in my face. Personally, I think it is all just an excuse coming from her fear. In any case, I don't think you can make real progress without taking a litte risk. Do you have any ideas on a good plan to bring physical intimacy back into the mix?
There is one more thing that is striking me as a little bit odd. My wife is really wanting to have kids...REALLY BAD. In fact, this is the only time she even considers having sober sex (this morning she says "so, you want to make a baby?"). We did not have sex this morning because I don't want to start a family until this stuff is mostly worked out and, since there was going to be no chance of us concieving, she retracted her offer. I want to be able to be present 100% so I can give my kids every opportunity. I don't want there to be any serious "underlying tension" that the kids will inveriably pick up on. And besides, I hear that when a woman has kids her drive becomes non-existent. It guess part of me is also afraid that once she gets what she wants (i.e kids) I can just totally forget about ever having a healthy sexual relationship.
Please understand that though what she is throwing out at you does sound like an excuse based in fear, please understand that the fear and the anxiety are very real for her. If she looks panicked and she sounds panicked, believe me, she IS. I bet were you to put your hand on her chest, you would feel her heart hammering.
Your wife is going to have to learn to 'forgive herself' and she is going to have to learn that YOU and the physical closeness you want with her are not the enemies. Her enemy is her fear and her anger. Those emotions are relics from a defense mechanism she learned as a child. Though she has passed her trauma, the defense mechanism is still there. She has to unlearn and involuntary response she doesn't even know she has.
You need to go slow with her. Tell her what you would like to do, and you will only go so far, period. If at any time she feels uncomfortable, she needs to tell you so you can stop and talk about it. You really need to understand what she is going through and help her deal with it.
She has to learn that she has a choice not to feel fear or anger (and this is damn hard). Or, she can continue with you despite her anger and her fear. You may not receive the best lovin' you've ever had on your end as she deals with this, but if the two of you can talk while she struggles through it, she will learn that the only way she is ever going to rid herself of these feelings is to refuse to give in to them.
Conversely, though, you can't push her. Find your deepest reserves of empathy and tolerance, 'cause you are going to need them. You can do this. Just make sure you talk with your counselor, too.
It is good advice. I have told her many times that she has nothing to fear from me and my actions have shown that. I have said to her on numerous occasions that whatever physical/sexual activity we are in, she always has the control over when we stop and any request of hers to stop or slow down or anything else will always be complied with and I will never, in any way, punish her for stopping. The problem we are having now is just getting her to start the exercises to relearn physical intimacy and sexuality in a healthy way. I am willing to start anywhere. I just need to know that we are starting. What I want to say is that we should set aside some time (an hour or so) everyday to work on this and make it a priority. Some time where we can touch with no expectation except that we will be touching in a safe way for her. I have a pretty good idea how she will react to this. Can you think of a way I can present it that she will be able to hear and not become afraid?
Until this problem is worked out between you, DON"T EVEN THINK ABOUT KIDS! KIDS very likely will make your wifes libido far worse! You need to leave open the option to LEAVE her and kids will muddy that up very quickly. If you can not straighten out your differences in desire now when there are NO PRESSURES, it will only get worse. I know, I am married to a women with absolutely no desire, and I think some of it has to do with her rotten childhood and abuse. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THEN A WOMAN THAT DOES NOT DESIRE SEX!!
Quote: I have told her many times that she has nothing to fear from me and my actions have shown that. I have said to her on numerous occasions that whatever physical/sexual activity we are in, she always has the control over when we stop and any request of hers to stop or slow down or anything else will always be complied with and I will never, in any way, punish her for stopping.
Are you sure about that? I know she can stop, but I think you all have had some pretty explosive arguments over this, yes? (Haven't we all.) If not in your mind, then in her mind she could see these fights as the punishment, seeing your anger as her failure...again...knowing she has dissapointed you or hurt you...again...if she doesn't have sex, then she doesn't fail. (It's not logical rational, but it is there nonetheless).
Quote: The problem we are having now is just getting her to start the exercises to relearn physical intimacy and sexuality in a healthy way. I am willing to start anywhere. I just need to know that we are starting. What I want to say is that we should set aside some time (an hour or so) everyday to work on this and make it a priority. Some time where we can touch with no expectation except that we will be touching in a safe way for her. I have a pretty good idea how she will react to this. Can you think of a way I can present it that she will be able to hear and not become afraid?
First, I'd scale back the one hour, everyday, to once a week for as long as she can. And, what I would make sure you do is talk about this idea in a joint session with your counselor. She needs to feel that she is in control of this, and if you are the one setting the day/length of time, she will rebel. If you discuss this in a joint session with your counselor, she will be in her safe and supported environment, but she will also know she has to face this and deal with this, that she isn't 'off the hook,' you know?
