Thank you all for helping me through my rough patch. It just really got to me, what H said, but when he next called and stopped by, I put on a happy face and that seemed to get me through it. We did revisit the T visit last night, and what a different conversation than before, I did not get defensive (so, it can be done), I tried to validate and listen to what he had to say.
Nik, it took me about a day to realize what you said, I can't let others tell me who I am. I vented to my boss (I was her nanny at one point and lived there for a bit, so they have known me well for 10 years) and she also reaffirmed that I'm basically a positive person, but living with Mr. Grumps could make anyone unhappy. Now, why I needed everyone else to counter what H said, I don't know, but I did get through it.
Sage, wow, what a post, many great points. I have been guilty in the past of letting little things get in my way, or get me angry and frustrated when they really don't amount to much and Wed. night I was antsy to get the boys out of the house so I could return movies. Small little errand, but I had it blown out of porportion. I have been gtting better at letting go of the things that don't matter so much.
I do think there is a big mars/venus element to the venting and talking about things. Seems to tie in with the HSP, I like to look at things from many angles, talk about it, discuss it and then make a decision. H may interpret all this talk as me being unhappy. I don't know if I train him that this is just talk, tell him at the beginning of a conversation that I'm only venting or find other outlets for venting.
Quite possibly the "you are unhappy" is his way of saying he can't make me happy. Last night he talked about what I could possibly need to be happy and wanted to know what he could do to help. Big change from Wednesday/Thursday fiasco. We talked about me going for a doctorate and also that before my continuing schooling was not possible as we usually moved every two years or so. He has decided that he likes where he is and does not want to move up the corporate ladder. So pursuing another degree could be possible.
Manisha, I think you are right on giving this time. T is probably doing some validating and throwing out possiblities and I'm hearing H's interpretation of that. That was also interpreted while he was annoyed at me, a nasty combination. I can only work on me at this point, have to remember that!
Curious weekend. Had male friend of ours (used to work with H) staying here this weekend. Came out H was annoyed I gave MF garage door opener for his side. H made some comment, and instead of letting it go and fuming, I said, ouch, that hurt, and he explained that he thought I was real quick to give out the remote for his side of the garage(we have two), I explained that it was easier than giving a key and the situation was difused. I forget H is so sensitive to everything. I don't think he is pleased MF is staying here, but I think part of it is disapointment with himself that MF is helping me shovel and not him.
But, the 13 inches of snow had a benefit. H stayed the night for first time on Friday. MF had to be at black belt test early Sat morning, H has four wheel drive and we really didn't want MF to shovel before test. So H stayed to help, nice having a warm body in the bed that is not a dog!
So a nice weekend. H is again talking about going on a Disney vacation, as a whole family. He also said one of the first questions T asked him was if he thought our m was saveable, he said yes.
So some good steps, but I think we have a long way to go, but at least we are starting.
Quote: she also reaffirmed that I'm basically a positive person, but living with Mr. Grumps could make anyone unhappy.
I can relate to that!!! I even started to wonder at one point if maybe I was depressed - although I couldn't figure out how I could be depressed when I didn't feel unhappy about anything except the way H was treating me! - when H started back on his antidepressants, I realized I'm perfectly happy and productive when I feel supported and loved, and am not dodging angry bullets all the time! That was actually one of the biggest lessons I had to learn in all this - not to REACT to H's moods, but to let my good mood pull him up instead. Do you think having MF in the house without him there also made H a little nervous/jealous?
Jackie..how are things going?...that statement to T is great..that is sure a great step forward..you have been doing so good..keep the patience thing going.
lots to read and catch up on, those last few ups and downs of the coaster. happiness comes from doing nice things for other people so you MUST be a pretty happy person!
Thank you everyone. I need to remember that statement and to also move slowly and keep my expectations under control. And validate, do not defend self, need to make that my mantra.
The last few days our dance continues, he pulls in close and then pulls back. His work schedule has been a bit much lately and I have had to keep the kids on days that normally would have been his. I have not said anything about it, I'm not sure if I should. I want to help out, and not be nasty, but I also could use a break from being the sole-parent. However, if it is his night and he can't keep them overnight, he still comes over and does "family" time. I will get a break Saturday night and I will probably whine that I'm lonely! Maybe if I managed my days better I would get everything done that I need to do and wouldn't need the kid free time to catch up.
He went to see a very good friend this week and they talked and she told him he was very lucky to have someone understanding, she would not have. He also admitted to her that he is in the midst of a MLC. He says he has been fighting that term for a year, but finally believes it is possible. He also brought up a lot of work stuff, that he has possibly gone as far as he can with the company he works with, there are many feelings there, for the first 10 years he loved the company and the job, but after a merge with a giant company, the work enviornment has changed significantly. (I learned of the conversation from him, the friend tries to be a neutral party for H and doesn't share the conversations, so H can have some privacy of thought)
The next night at dinner he thanked me for all I do. I told him I have a good support system (here). I then told him about a ff I ran into, her H left a year ago, he wants back but after two affairs and him doing tons of financial nasty stuff, she no longer wants him back. H asked me, twice, if I would take someone back after an affair. I ignored the question, but wonder if he is talking about himself? Or me? Does he wonder about the DB get-togethers I've been to? Of course I know they are innocent, but what goes through his mind? My initial thought, though, was he has something to tell me.
Another thing that came up and I would love opinions on, is Christmas with his parents. The Sunday before Christmas H is taking the kids down to see his folks. H says I'm invited. His parents have not said anything to me, the invite was relayed through him. It would be horrible and awkward, but would it send a good message to H? Don't ask me what I want, I'd love to never have to deal with the IL issue again, but I'm looking at the big picture. I also don't want to ask H, "do you want me there?" I think that is a wimpy way out of it and I should make the decision on my own. So what does your gut tell you? Do I stay or do I go? Do I break into the 80s song?
Quote: He also admitted to her that he is in the midst of a MLC.
OMG...he admitted to this? This is great I think. There are times when I see the logical side of my H if he realizes what he's going through.
Quote: Another thing that came up and I would love opinions on, is Christmas with his parents. The Sunday before Christmas H is taking the kids down to see his folks. H says I'm invited. His parents have not said anything to me, the invite was relayed through him. It would be horrible and awkward, but would it send a good message to H? Don't ask me what I want, I'd love to never have to deal with the IL issue again, but I'm looking at the big picture. I also don't want to ask H, "do you want me there?" I think that is a wimpy way out of it and I should make the decision on my own. So what does your gut tell you? Do I stay or do I go? Do I break into the 80s song?
Go with your gut feeling on this Jackie. It's what I would do, my gut feeling is always the right thing for me. Why would it be horrible and awkward with his parents? Maybe I should have asked that first as I might not be seeing the WHOLE picture.
Yea that caught my eye too! If you can only approach it as being horrible / awkward and won't have a good time, then I wouldn't go. But if you can act "as-if" you're determined to have a nice holiday visit and spread the holiday cheer, then I would go, especially when you factor in what would be best for the kids.
So H thinks it MLC eh? ... well, you know what they say ... admitting is half the battle.
