Btw, I noticed your picture no longer works for me. I'm not sure if everyone else is able to see it and I'm the only one or if it's not working for everyone.
But I thought you'd like to know I couldn't see your pretty face anymore!!
instead of looking at a big box with an x in it, do what i did tal, just change the pic to something you like (like a flower or something) and use the same url for it?
Hello, you don't know me, but I was looking through the Piecing section to get some inspiration and I landed on your thread. I read your before/after and I was surprised to see how much your H's before behavior is like my H's current behavior. (Sadly, I think my H is having an affair.) Anyway, I was hoping you would have a minute to give some more detail on how you got from the before to the after stage. I know that you DB'ed in general, but what helped move you from limbo to after? I think my DBing has stalled the D, but my H is starting to feel frustrated w/ the limbo and will "give up" again if I can't get the R to move forward and improve a little. I SO VERY MUCH want to be piecing. Any advice is appreciated.
Thank you and congratulations on your successes so far!
Hmmm. I think there were many contributing factors.
After all the initial period of me freaking out big-time, we decided that our relationship deserved better than to end on such a note. We agreed that we owed it to ourselves and our family to try 110% for at least a year. If that didn't work, we could say we had sincerely tried and break up in a respectful way.
After more than a month and nothing happening, I laid down an ultimatim. I don't recommend that for most DBer's, as it can easily backfire and you'd better be prepared for the worst if you force the issue!
I think that was the turning point. H began reading books about relationships and working on specific goal-setting with me.
Slowly, as H began Counciling and MC, and began to come out of his depression, we were able to start working toward a reconcilliation.
Some of the big things that have contributed to the before/after behavior are:
1. H stopped blaming me and looked long and hard at his part of how we got in trouble. 2. H turned his self-recriminations and guilt into positive action. 3. H had to face the likelihood of loosing his best friend & partner, his family, his home, not to mention what was left of his self-respect. I think that made him do some real soul-searching about what was really important to him.
As Joni Mitchell sang: Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone.
Most of the changes are due to his wanting to make them, even though the "how to" came more slowly than the decision.
As for me, I think I posted a little while back as to what I feel like I did to change.
I don't know if any of this is what you are looking for.
OK guy, good advice. I will talk to him about my feelings re the computer, but it isn't a problem that is coming up in the immediate future, so I can take a little time with it.
As you guys know, I have still been having the same frustrations that I had before the bomb in regard to lack of meaningful communication and emotional intimacy from Wolfie.
Pre-bomb, that was a problem that I had nearly learned to live with the status quo. Now I know that conflict avoidance isn't healthy for us and that I need some degree of emotional intimacy to feel fulfilled in a R.
I was thinking of all of this last night. I was also thinking about how H is able to express himself better in writing than verbally. He has written me several letters over the past 10 years that let me know that there IS a sensitive and passionate person under the surface. Believe me--those letters have gotten a lot of mileage because sometimes I've had to pull them out and re-read them over the years.
I was also thinking about how Thanksgiving is the first...for lack of a better term...Anniversary of Trauma. There will be more through the Holidays and through the end of January.
Suddenly, it occurred to me to ask for something...something specific that would help. I rolled over and said, "Wolfie, I would like you to write me a love letter and give it to me on Thanksgiving."
Tal, Great move asking him for what you want! I wonder if that's why they tell us to do it, ya think? A love letter would be awesome. I hope it's a good one! What a great way to top off a holiday. Rachael
Can I steal it, please? 
