As my title says...I THINK I am piecing....who knows...even if I am not, I like you guys over here, so you are stuck with me.
Overview of situation:
Married 14 yrs, together 15 M - 41(ouch), H is 47 S13, D8
In January of this year we moved into our dream house that we spent the entire year of 2002 designing and building. Immediately after the move in, H started acting strange. Distant and cold. I attributed it to the stress of job, kids, new home, etc. Things did not get better, only worse. Could not get any answers out of H as to what was wrong.(silly me, we were in a SSM and I foolishly thought he would live like this forever - wrong).
On July 4th weekend, H informed me he was not happy, could not love me again (although he cared for me) and would be taking steps to move out. He didn't, but kept telling me that he was going to - finally, I said one day "If you are so hell bent on leaving, why are you still here?" That was obviously what he was waiting for me to say and said "OK, I will leave" and he did. He began staying in our prior house (it was still not sold, on the market however). Began asking me what I was going to do. That the house he was in would be a good home for a single Mom with Kids. I assumed that he would want to sell the new "dream House".
I of course did all of the wrong things...found DR and DB and this board, and went to work. H was so angry for so long, and I noticed that when I finally got a grip on some of the DR and Db principles, that I was able to diffuse much of the anger.
In September of this year....I told him I could not afford dream house alone and that I would move into the old house -set a date, and did it. Although it was sad, it was also very empowering. For once, I made a decision for myself that was best for me, if indeed we were to get a D. On moving day, H came over to pick up kids to take them to school and told me he had wanted all week to tell me not to do it - that he still needed more time, but this was not what he wanted. Baby steps.
We now talk daily, he has kids every other night (2 houses are 2 blocks apart), and he constantly makes remarks about "What if we are living together again" type stuff. Also, he did call me a few weeks ago wanting to talk about how he had "f***ed everything up, how he thought I was the root of his unhappiness but that he now realizes that I wasn't, that he misses me, etc. I just continue to ride the waves and wait for this nightmare to all be over.
We ML at least once a week, and I honestly believe that there was never OW to deal with. I do thank my lucky stars for that. I guess if I had to relate my sitch with someone else here, I pretty closely resemble Totite. We are having the "secret affair" that the kids don't know about. I just don't know what he is waiting on....
So like I said, I THINK I am piecing....just taking it one day at a time.
Just a note, I did employ all of the DB and DR techniques to get to where I am today. I totally stopped all pursuit, stopped calling unless kid related, and then only if absolutely necessary. Also, I absolutely do get frustrated, but I just run what I want to say thru the filter of "will this bring me closer to my goal?" and most times it will not, so I let it go. Also, by not being the one who calls, by the time he calls me, I have usually cooled off some and am able to rationally realize that what I wanted to say would be counter productive...so another reason not to always be calling....
Thanks for listening....you all have been there for me even tho you don't realize it...I have come to count on reading your posts for inspiration and guidance each and every day. Thanks to all who share and support on a daily basis.
Yes, I truly believe that my husband HAD to have the time alone to think about things and see that I was not the root of his problems...so yes, separation can be a good thing. For one, it can be a way of separating the Old, Bad M from the new and improved one! That is what I am hoping for!
Good luck Minnie - I check your thread daily and will try to post more....I think you are doing great - I think you may be surprised at how much better you will feel with H gone for awhile - a breather if you will. Then you can DB like mad.
Took the time just now to read thru your whole sitch and you definitely belong in Piecing. These last few weeks I really back off the calling/pursing also. I knew that H was struggling and I so backed off (well as much as I could) and gave him space and practiced patience, patience.
ok...I will try to list three positives each day as I know some of you are doing:
Me positives:
1. High PMA day
2. Am starting to like the 2 dogs H brought to my house for me to babysit - a german shephard and a llaso apso(?). A co-worker of his has a temporary assignment (six months) out of state and had nowhere to keep dogs - so H volunteered and gave them to me! They slept in my room all night last night and were perfect angels.
3. Beginning to feel like I can contribute again at work. Have been such a space cadet for so long, was wondering when they would fire me!
R / M positives: 1. H called twice so far today to "check in".
2. H volunteered to put together my glider I need to get on an exercise program as I have regained my appetite now and want to continue to lose weight. I have had the glider for almost a year now and it is still in the box. (PIB says you actually have to use it to see results)!!!! I asked if SS20 would come over to help me with it and H said "Would you like for me to put it together?" um - YES!
3. H asked about thanksgiving - still don't know what to do.....
so thats it for now.
oh yes, I also did my 15 minutes in kitchen last night I too have only lids and no tupperware bowls...hmmmm.....
Congratulations...all your hard work is paying off.
