Quote: Maybe he was expecting me to call him and be upset and demand to know where he was. I was cheery when he called, he hung up on me the first time I answered and then called back a few minutes later and I answered just as cheerful.
I think you are absolutely right about this. Knocked him off balance I'm sure.
Now - be prepared for him to try to push your buttons tonight. After all, if he could provoke you into a screaming rage then he could justify leaving again. Don't let him do it! Don't give him an excuse.
Also - if things get too uncomfortable - remember what Michele says about changing the scenery. Move to a different room, or suggest a walk, or something. Don't end up in the room you usually argue in, okay? Change the scenery. I used to make cheat notes to myself, put them in my pocket, and excuse myself to the bathroom to read them when necessary. Try printing these off and putting them in your pocket:
Quote: Novelty 180s Will this get me closer to my goal? Beginner's mind Do something wacky and unpredictable PMA Validate, validate, validate Move to a different location
Do everything you can to avoid any R talk. You don't know what he has on his mind. Maybe he broke up with OW. Maybe he is on the fence. We don't know that. But you certainly don't need to give him any excuses do you? If he wants to do something, let him be the one that makes that decision on his own, with no help from you.
Don't make him choose either. It's a big gamble that you could lose. Let him choose all on his own. The goal is to make the OW be the bad guy here, and for him to choose YOU.
Okay, so you are thinking of some 180's. You're gonna be upbeat. Change the scenery. Etc....I also like what Ellie said to her H. That was a very good line.
But something I have to ask the group....What if he does initiate R talk? How should Cathy respond? She can't ignore him. To me, this is the tricky part.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Gosh, I am just overwhelmed by the support here and JJ, I'm honored. I am once again feeling that this isn't the end of everything, that I CAN do this and that there is hope...H's stuff is still at OUR house isn't it.
H is THINKING for me today and in doing so THINKING H is doing what's best, as the loser that H is, and that is to move in with OW. H has tried, he's been loving to the best of his ability, H is still stuck. I reread MALs post from early today and this makes the most sense---unconditional love and that is how I feel today, H screwed up and I can't be mad.
Thank you all! Here's to a better, more upbeat post tomorrow......tonight is our week anniversary...is that cause to go out to dinner and celebrate or at least have some fun?
For the record H has asked to have R talks with me before, but has never come through nor have we had any really meaningful R talks.
MAL, H's words and actions don't match and never have..this is something that I recognize and have to pay very close attention to at this point. H says one thing and does another...without fail....in the past it would drive me batty and I would just get fed up and blow up. But now I am intuned to this "quirk" of my H's.
I think you have the right frame of mind. If he normally doesn't do the R talk thing, then he probably won't.
And since you aren't going batty, and you are not going to initiate one for him, you are going to be upbeat happy sexy funny, walking talking full of faith perfection.
You go girl!!
Oh! Did I say that you need to pray too?
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
And don't mention any "one week anniversary" stuff, okay? Too much pressure. And instead of going out to dinner (too much "dead space" for R talks) what about going out somewhere FUN - comedy club, amusement park, whatever?
If he DOES start a R talk - validate, validate, validate. Okay to let him know you still love him and intend to fight for the marriage, but don't appear clingy or pursuing. If he questions your changes - ask him why it's so easy to believe people can schange for the worse but not change for the better?
There is no way I can improve on what all these wonderful people have suggested. I just want to say....good luck tonight! I'm sure you'll do fine. Remember, H came back to YOU. He loves YOU.
Hi, Cathy, I second that! He's expecting the worst, you just give him the opposite. Here's wishing you luck, a clear head, patience, and don't assume anything. And I wish him the same, so you guys can communicate. We're thinking of you, both of you... Mixmess
