It was really in the last two weeks, he was at our house so much and then the Wednesday night before H came home, he was straightenin up the back garage and our attached garage...kind of like he was making room for his truck to be in there again. Also the fact that he wanted as much stuff cleaned out of the room downstairs that he stores his hunting/fishing stuff. Even made the comment while were doing this "in case I decided to move out" I know it was backwards, but maybe H's way of saying I'm coming back. So lots of acts of service in the last month, I could tell H was struggling internally, and I had dropped the rope/detached/no expectations that I was finally relaxed and comfortable in my own skin. That I was prepared to go either way, completely let go maybe.
I don't know if this helps or not. What board are you on??
My thread is in Newcomers "Struggling With Separation."
I'm so glad you could reply. Your examples were interesting. My H did stuff kind of like that, only in reverse, at the last minute, before he finally told me he was leaving to stay with his parents "to get his head on straight." It was weird stuff, but I just kept on doing my own thing, wondering what the heck was going on, and then he said he wanted to have a talk. When he said he wanted to leave, I was upset, but didn't stand in his way. I didn't help him pack, I just went in another room and cried. Then when he left, he gave me wonderful kisses and hugs goodbye. It was totally bizarre. I had no idea he would be gone so long. It's going on 9 months. I thought he just needed a breather, and let him go because I thought it was the best thing to do.
Since then, he has been cycling closer and closer, but has not said a word about coming home. I stopped asking a long time ago, because he would get so nasty about it. I know in my heart he loves me, it may just be he doesn't know how to undo the damage. I wonder if his parents or his "friends" (they are so helpful???) have told him that I would never take him back. His parents were telling me to give up from the beginning, so it makes me feel like they knew something was up for a while, and I was blindsided. I don't know, and I don't care, because I know God will sort it out.
I wish you courage in the new stage of your marriage. I think you're going to need it. I was intrigued with the way your H just showed up in the middle of the night like that. Mine left just like that, on a Sunday afternoon. But it was BAM! Out of nowhere. I have been wondering how I would handle a situation like yours, having him suddenly just show up like that. However I know I would be on cloud ninety-nine, at least.
Your observations reminded me of nesting behavior, he was preparing for carrying out his plan to return home, and whatever you were doing or not doing, helped him take the plunge.
As long as you do what's in your heart and your attitude is aligned in love, you will have no regrets. You're doing your best, no one can ask for more. Take care.
You mention thes "splits" - how does this work - what does it look like?....Their personality "disintegrates" into several people-it is kind of like a psychiatric disease-schizophrenia, Three Faces of Eve...etc.
I hate to be a stickler (ah heck, that's a LIE! ) but at least part of this information is highly suspect.
AND it happens to be a pet peeve of mine.
Schizophrenia and Dissociative Identity Disorder or DID (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder) are two COMPLETELY different diagnoses.
Schizophrenia is a serious disintegration of the mind, loss of contact with reality, delusions, hallucinations...NO "split personality"
DID involves the process of dissociation. The kind of thing that happens in dreams where you KNOW you're dreaming..watching the dream, and IN the dream at the same time...also the kind of thing that happens when you're driving and just arrive home without any recall of the last 10 mintues...who was driving your car???
DID develops primarliy in children who have suffered extreme repeated abuse...they "dissociate" to escape the abuse, are imaginative enough to create a "alter" personalities who hold the memories for the abuse, and "come forward" in similar situations in the future.
There is often complete amnesia for periods when the "alters" are "out".
NEITHER of these diagnoses comes close to what you're experiencing with your H. Now as a sort of analogy...well okay....I guess....
JEEPERS...You can tell what Shiny is lecturing on during any given week by the rambling posts on psychological stuff!!!
Sorry Cath!
My real message was to be wary of that site! That kind of misinformation is pretty blatant and I'd wonder about the credentials of the persons involved.
Although it might feel weirdly good to pin a psychological disorder on someone (ahhh...so THAT explains it!)....most of the time it's more complex than that.
Shiny: ROFLMAO! It's straight out of this site's MLC forum. It's one person's detailed observations about men in MLC, taken from a front-row seat (from what I could tell) of watching her H through his process. She speaks authoritatively, so many folks looking for an answer to thier S's confusing behavior look to her observations for "the answers". It's also where the phrases about "going in and out of the tunnel" come from.
That isn't the big reason I stayed out of the MLC forum though. There are a lot of people who use their Christian faith to sustain them when they are troubled, and that is good for them. For me, though, when I get people preaching at me, I feel like I'm in some kind of Indian Boarding school.
Talista~ LOL, yes you are right, Cathy got it off this site in MLC forum. I think we all have to try different things, moniter the results, find out what works and then keep doing what does work!
Everyone's sitch is different and we all have to find the right choices. We all try to help each other and sometimes we have to wade through all the advice and find out what works for each of us.
I think it is great that we have this site to come to and get the support and understanding we can give each other! Without this BB, I'd hate to say where I'd be now! But, we all have to decide if others wise words of wisdom are wise to us. Some things HB says are great, others things, make me want to run and hide! LOL
I'm not putting anyone down here, not at all! I'm just saying one person, even HB doesn't "know it all" as Shiny pointed out. And I agree with her on this.
So Cathy, I think you are past going to MLC and reading HB posts. Stay here and let us support you and stop looking for the "answers" to why your H does what he does. All I know is the guy is in turmoil about this. just give him space and your loving support. He'll get there!
LMAO---scared you didn't I??? This only caught my eye because of the personalities splitting as my H has been showing so many different sides of himself lately. Thank goodness for Shiny 2x4'n me on this.
Quote: Stay here and let us support you and stop looking for the "answers" to why your H does what he does. All I know is the guy is in turmoil about this. just give him space and your loving support. He'll get there!
I'll stay in my own yard.. where I belong. All of my, the majority of my best support, has come from you all here!!!
Last night H was really not himself, not very talkative, kind of down. I gave him his space. I was happy and engaged with our son instead, son has a great personality and his sense of humor matches mine.
Ellie gave me some great advice the other day, instead of me getting into/matching H's mood, try to get H into my mood or at least not get MYSELF down becuase of H's mood. H is one tough cookie!! Cookie that sounds good, in fact, I have one in my desk drawer and will eat it now..
Cathy
P.S. When I got home from bowhunting last night, it was such a nice afternoon and so peaceful in the woods. I did see a nice little buck and a doe and the squirrels drive me nuts, you think it's a deer and then it's just a squirrel. It's really a good time for me to think about things..well when I got home my son comes into the bathroom and says to me "mom did you have a good day hunting?" and gave me a great big hug...my H needs to take lessons from son!
Quote: well when I got home my son comes into the bathroom and says to me "mom did you have a good day hunting?" and gave me a great big hug...my H needs to take lessons from son!
