H has always been like this, says stupid things like that or is condescending. H's words and actions have never matched..I have to keep reminding myself of that. And, I also think he's trying to get a rise out of me, control me, whatever it is he thinks he's doing. H doesn't think I can change because if I don't change then H won't change so H is trying to trip me up.
I won't let him either. It's going to take time and more time. I'll be weighing everything and watching closely just like H is weighing everything and watching closely. H is really insecure and has low self esteem. If H does decide to bolt again, it might just be the end.
Michele has prepared us the best she can in the DR book. When they (H) come home is when we really have to use the tools she has given us!
Your H is diffently testing you to the limits. keep on the right path and show him that you have changed, for the better.
I think I'm being tested also! I, like you need to show our H that we will not react in the same way we use to! Hang in there Cathy! It's not easy! But you can do it!
Jeesh! I go away for a weekend and look what happens!!!
Okay - time for some serious work here: First - make a list of the "changes" your H is looking to see in you. How are you doing at demonstrating those changes to him? What could you be doing better?
Second - There's an article in the current Woman's World magazine about the things that make you fall in love. Many of them are things that worked for me with my H. I don't remember them all, but there was a scientific basis for each of them. It included things like novelty (are you wearing new clothes and lingerie yet? If not - GET SOME! New perfume too. Pull as many 180s as you can - even little things like sitting in a different chair, etc.) and adrenaline (watched a scary movie with him yet?). Also, as hard as it is right now, you have to make it FUN for him to be at home. So work on that PMA - my H would come home in a rotten depressed mood, but I would be in the kitchen with the Tom Petty CD cranking, a glass of wine, dancing around with a great dinner cooking. Sometimes it took hours, but eventually I could get his attitude to improve - the key is to make HIS attitude match yours, instead of letting HIS attitude bring YOU down.
Third - make some notes and put them in your pocket. I just ran across one of these today when I was Flylady cleaning in my bathroom! (Check out the thread in just for fun if you don't know about the flylady). Things like 180s, act as if, will this get you closer to your goal etc. - whenever I needed to I would sneak into the bathroom and read it over to remind myself. Focus, patience and determination.
Fourth - now this depends on your sitch - may be right for some, not for others - but instead of waiting for him to show up - if he's late or not answering his cell - get a sitter and GO OUT! Don't come home until after he does. Let him wonder where you were and who you were with. Don't let him take you for granted (obviously, this approach might not work for anyone with a history of infidelity or irresponsibility - but if you are usually the steady reliable one, making him wonder can be a good thing!)
Fifth - don't say ILY - but if you just can't stand not saying it - try saying a cheery "Love you!" just as you hang up the phone at the end of a call - without any time for him to answer. Also, I used to wait until my H was SOUNDLY asleep and then whisper into his ear all the loving things I wished I could say when he was awake.
Sixth - spice up your sex life. If H isn't very responsive, try waking him in the middle of the night with some oral stimulation Just no crying or emotional talks afterwards, okay? Make it FUN,FUN,FUN! Try something new.
My H has always been like that just says what he wants to say without regard for feelings. So I shouldn't expect any different at this point. And, I HAVE noticed some subtle changes in H lately so there is hope. H is trying.
I made H's lunch for him this morning and when I talked to him this morning H wanted to know what I used for mayo and was it old, it tasted funny? I said it was "light" mayo. H said oh, "I started eating and then realized it tasted funny and threw it out" Then added I've been sick too many times from things I've eaten. THIS is the exact reason I STOPPed making lunches for him to begin with, they weren't ever good enough. However, I quickly changed the subject to these awful sandwiches his mom made for us a long time ago, we all pitched those sandwiches, they were awful. So another positive for me I didn't take H's attack on my sandwich's personally, it's just my H. I am determined to PERFECT my sandwich making skills to H's liking.
Thanks for stopping by and all the wonderful ideas!!
Quote: First - make a list of the "changes" your H is looking to see in you. How are you doing at demonstrating those changes to him? What could you be doing better?
I'll need a little notebook won't I and a bigger purse to keep it in.
Quote: I would sneak into the bathroom and read it over to remind myself. Focus, patience and determination.
This is a great idea! It takes awhile for me to dry my hair, so this is when I do my reading, etc. and if I keep it in one of MY drawers I won't have to worry about H coming across it...excellent!!!
Quote: Also, as hard as it is right now, you have to make it FUN for him to be at home. So work on that PMA - my H would come home in a rotten depressed mood, but I would be in the kitchen with the Tom Petty CD cranking, a glass of wine, dancing around with a great dinner cooking. Sometimes it took hours, but eventually I could get his attitude to improve - the key is to make HIS attitude match yours, instead of letting HIS attitude bring YOU down.
Another wonderful idea. My boss was just talking about her cooking skills and how it is a bonding experience for her and her friends. She's not married, but her friends come over, they have some wine, they help cook, they have some more wine, pretty soon they're drunk and don't care about food...okay I did get a little carried away my boss DOESN'T actually do this, but she loves to cook. This is a great new way to look at cooking, might just be the ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT I need in this area...hmmmm
Your sixth suggestion is rather interesting as I haven't tried the middle of the night thing and was trying to think of something different..another hmmmmm
Quote: Make it FUN,FUN,FUN! Try something new.
This does need to be my motto for the next few weeks doesn't it and I feel like having some fun, fun, fun!!! It's been so long since H and have gone out and had any fun, also.
Thanks Ellie, you must have known I needed you today!!
Wow! Ellie gave you some great advice. I will keep those things in mind as well.
Since we were talking about our troubles with validating...I remembered a very helpful list that Calystra posted:
Tips on Validation:
*listen *put aside all distractions while they are talking *focus on them if you are in person *let them know that you understand what they are saying by either "i understand" or repeating back what he said to you *validate their feelings by saying things like "i understand why you might feel that way" *don't criticize *don't judge *don't pressure or control *don't use the word "but" at all! *don't ever tell them their feelings are wrong *always try to clearly understand what they are saying and don't make assumptions - ask if you don't understand *don't be self-righteous *don't be their parent *don't blame *don't react selfishly because of the way something makes you feel - it is your choice about how you choose to feel *don't argue *don't interrupt *don't hog the conversation *compliment them on things *encourage them *trust their decisions - don't question them.. their doing what they think is best *be their #1 fan
Anyway, hopes this helps as you move into this new DB phase!
I am so happy for you! Your work is really cut out for you, now, isn't it?
Now, I'm curious...you wrote:
Quote: H did come back out the blue. In thinking back over the last month or two their were a lot of signs of him coming back, I sensed the shift, I was more focused on OW so was paying more attention to that problem. But when I did focus on H, I did see the signs. I think I read that they decide to come back home long before they actually do?
Can you elaborate on these little signs you were noticing?
Hang in there, Cathy, we're all pulling for you! Mixmess
