Hi guys not at my best this evening. Debated do I or don't I start another thread. But let's face it I'm addicted.
So here we go again!
The Morning After Performed by Ray Conniff
There's got to be a morning after If we can hold on through the night We have the chance to find the sunshine Let's keep on looking for the light
Oh, can you see the morning after It's waiting right outside the storm Why don't we cross the bridge together And find a place that's safe and warm
It's not too late, we should be giving Only with love can we climb It's not too late, not while we're living Let's put our hands out in time
There's got to be a morning after We're moving closer to the shore I know we'll be there by tomorrow And we'll escape the darkness We won't be searching anymore
This thread has a summary on if for anyone that is interested in some drama reading.
Pam, I checked out your previous thread: Keep On Looking For The Light. It was great inspiration. I had a bad night with H. Not really bad but I slipped back into my sarcastic mode which I feel will result in a set back. He did something I didn't like. Then I said something he didn't like. Then he said something I didn't like. And so the night went on. Nothing major but I lost control of a situation I should have took under control. Anyway enough rambling. Good to see you started a new thread. Hope all is going well with you and thanks for stopping at my thread. Lyn
I actually DON'T talk as much as I used to before.
Ummmm...I didn't say that you did?
Quote: Like when he was over to work on the computer I was mostly quiet. He thought that visit went real well.
I felt like I was on eggshells not to say too much or the wrong things and piss him off.
Not what I called a good visit at all, but it worked for him.
Pam, did you read what I wrote?
I said something like: I stopped talking as much h started talking patience, patience, patience and then some witty comment about how h heard silence and didn't recognize it.
DO you want to have conversations with David or not, Pam?
It's not about who gets to talk more...it's about leaving room for the other person to be ABLE to speak. I talk a LOT faster than my h. If all I did was talk when I wanted, he'd never get a chance to say anything...
You know what? My life is a LOT richer by talking less and listening more. I hope that his is too.
Quote: But Sage is that the way I want to live my life? I can't help it I LIKE to talk.
I find it enjoyable. I do like my quiet times as well, but I don't want all my time to be quiet time.
Do you like to TALK, Pam or do you like to engage in conversation with another person?
There's a big difference.
If it's the former...cool...talk away.
I thought that we were bemoaning the fact that you didn't feel as though you could CONVERSE with David...if that's the case...well...you MAY have to change your style of conversing.
I think (an ASSumption) that you are really personalizing this...maybe what I offered up...maybe what D. offered up on other posts...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Ok, Pam...here's my idea...let me say up front that I'm getting offline after this post so don't worry if you don't see any more messages from me. I'll catch up again in the AM.
I'd actually like it if you'd think about my "challenge" overnight...you mentioned that you're not having a good night so it might make more sense to mull it over.
So...here it is (and this is an open challenge to anyone who reads this..)
I realized this AM (not the first time) that I still have cycles and "stuff" in my m. that I think the applying DB'ing principles would help. And sometimes I read stuff here in Piecing on other people's threads and think "wow, I'd bet they could DB their way out of it" -- and by DB I mean the whole shebang....goals, 180s, starting from scratch.
SO...I was thinking about starting a new series of threads here in Piecing where we take 1 chapter at a time and seriously, rigorously, diligently work our DB muscles...very much like what JJ did over in the other forum. We could even copy some of his "questioning" posts over here...stick to one chapter at a time and really, really, really apply the principles.
The challenge to you and to everyone else who is interested would be sticking with it...cleaning out that beginner's mind...picking goals, identifying 180s, reporting success, etc.
I can commit to at least 1 chapter a week...actually, I'm guessing the if we started this I'd get thru the book faster than that.
Where's your copy of DB/DR, Pam?
Are you up for it?
It would be dedicated threads focused on the techniques.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I am thinking about it but I believe I would need to get ahold of another copy of the book.
David has mine and I would hate to ask for it back. He might want to join the discussion, hey, you never know, or he may read some in it sometime. He took it to read the section on infidelity but that has been awhile now.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I think (an ASSumption) that you are really personalizing this...maybe what I offered up...maybe what D. offered up on other posts...
Sage
Uh Oh I don't have a clue what you are telling me here.
The rest I think was a 2x4 but this part I'm not sure what you are saying?
Sorry, guess I feel a bit dense tonight.
as sage has said she's off for the night I thought I'd take a stab at this one for ya Pam.
and keep in mind I am only ASSuming what sage's implication is with this statement.
what sage offered to you about communication and what worked with her h was when she stopped talking AS MUCH, her h started talking more and not instantly either (much the same as my h)
it may appear that you have personalized the statement by stating back "I don't talk as much as I used to" and feeling like you are being robbed of something or stiffled because you are not talking as much.
that said (and if I'm way off sage will be back in the am to clear it up)
about conversing I agree with sage's question to you...
do you want to TALK to david or do you want to have CONVERSATION with david.
in talking you (not implying you personally just using you as a general noun) can go on and on and on....thinking about what you want to say and just saying it...
in conversation you say what you have to say becuase you want to say it and are respectful in what the other person has to say in response and not EXPECTING any specific response or applying some ASSumed hiden meaning to their response.
I always complained that my h never talked to me...never shared things with me...wasn't until all the sh!t hit the fan and I read db/dr and came here that I realized part of the reason why he didn't talk much was because I wasn't really giving him much of an opportunity to...I wasn't listening.
now if h starts to say something I listen..I don't give too many questions or solutions I simply listen. At first ya I did feel stiffled but the more I listened to him talking the more comfortable I felt and suddenly we were conversing and I must say I like that a heck of a lot better than when I would just talk.
Quote: I don't read his thread either. I promised I wouldn't and he doesn't read this one.
I don't know. I told Zoo this evening over IM I think I am about over it. no you aren't I agree, but I want this to be over
He doesn't seem interested in working on anything with me anymore. then what the hell is he doing here asking for help, insight and guidance??? this isn't a how to get a clean happy d site...it's a how to have a succesfull happy m site! I don't really know why he started posting to his own thread. I didn't even know he was going to do it. But you, Cal and Opt are right, he must be looking for something to help him know about the marriage.
He isn't interested in the house, me, the shelties, spending any time together or talking to me anymore. assumptions! Just based on recent actions, I know could be a zillion other reasons he doesn't talk or come over anymore.
He was doing some of that stuff and now he has backed way off of everything. and what are some things that you were doing that you've changed? think real hard. Actually I will have to read some of my threads again as I thought up untill the past two days I have been doing a whole lot better with our interactions!
I know some of this is PMS and a lack of PATIENCE. I'd be willing to bet it's more than just SOME of it Well let's just say 99.99% of it.
Some of it is I just don't think I will ever be able to please him. He is a perfectionist and I am in no ways perfect. what if..what if that is the exact message you are sending to him? that he isn't good enough and can't seem to please you I think, not sure I guess, that he knows how much I think of him and respect his opinions and how happy he makes me when he participates in our R.
I sort of think we are just prolonging the inevitable. Told him before I left work I would see about getting with attorney soon. would you please stop doing that!!! unless of course you truly honestly whole heartedly WANT to do that...stop dropping bombs all over the place. k? But I'm not doing it till I feel better. I don't feel like dealing with all of that right now. Sometimes I think he and I would be better off just getting it over with, but I'm not sure that I'm not too emotional to make that decision right now.
now I know I've just been pretty hard on you but I think you can take it.
now go take a nice hot shower or bubble bath and chill out for a while in front of the fire watching thursday night tv...there's good stuff on...will & grace..scrubs...er...and that's just one channel...or go for a ride and rent a goofy movie...one that you wouldn't watch with people around (I happen to love hair and labrynth used to watch them alot) something fun for you and forget about "stuff" for a bit.
LL
Thank you LL, most appreciated!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
what if..what if that is the exact message you are sending to him? that he isn't good enough and can't seem to please you I think, not sure I guess, that he knows how much I think of him and respect his opinions and how happy he makes me when he participates in our R.