I was wondering if anyone had an opinion on whether there is truly a workable compromise when a LD spouse has no interest in sex at all and the other spouse has a sex drive. Any suggestions would be interesting to consider, because I seem to have come to a dead end after many years of trying to cope with the situation.
In my sitution, my wife has made it clear that she does not have any interest in sex anymore (due to low hormones)and would like to never have sex. We had an active sex life until about 10 years ago, but when our kids were going into high school, it began to disappear and for the last five years we have had virtually no sex life. I consider myself a reasonably romantic husband, we travel, and have an active social life.
She intellectually understands that it is not abnormal for me to have a sex drive, but feels it is somehow degrading for her to have to partake in any sexual activity at all because she has no interest. She indicates that she grits her teeth and permits limited sexual activity a few times a year, but she does this only out of a sense of guilt and as part of her wifely duties. She really resents feeling that she "has to do this". She feels the marriage is great otherwise and would like to carry on without a sex life entirely.
I have suggested numerous times trying to work out a compromise, but she really feels that a compromise means that she has to partake in something which she has no interest in and this is no compromise.
I am at a loss in what to suggest that would be a workable compromise. It would appear that if we were to have any form of intimate contact she would be totally resentful. She doesn't believe in HRT for a variety of reasons.
On the one hand she doesn't feel like she should be "required" to have sexual activity if she has no interest. On the other hand, I feel that I am being robbed. She understands my position and I understand hers. Is there any solution?
What does she say when you ask her who you are supposed to share your love with in a physical way?
Ask her how she thinks she might feel if you decided never to talk with her again because you just don't feel like it, you don't get anything out of it, and since you don't, she shouldn't mind that either. You can have a discussion three or four times a year, but other than that, you really have no interest in speaking with her.
See if she, just as an exercise, can imagine that, and to have her tell you how she might feel about that?
Thanks greatly for your response - I have brought up similar analogies with her and the response is along the lines that sex is not a necessity for a relationship but the essence of a relationship is communication. Several of her friends have a good marriage and they don't have a sex life as both partners have little interest I should be happy that we otherwise have a good marrige and I should merely take care of myself if I really and truly have a need for sex. She is happy to have physical contact in the form of holding hands and hugging - why is there a need for anything more? We usually end up fighting at this point and nothing constructive gets resolved.
I would like to be constructive, put away all of the feelings of guilt and hurt and positively deal with the situation without trying to antagonize each other. Seems that either I will have to entirely give up on intimate contact with her (the propsect of which is really depressing) or she will have to try to become more sexually inclined (which she believes is unlikely because she has tried this approach many times). I'm not meaning to whine, but I can't seem to come up with a different analysis at this point.
I wouldn't say she has drawn a hard line in the sand. She admits to feeling badly that she has no sex drive and she also admits that I would have every justification to leave her. She has indicated that she is contemplating tryng HRT to see if this helps, but she is very bitter that she is the one who has to compromise if we are to have a sex life. She really feels that HRT causes more harm than anything else. In addition, even if she had any kind of desire for a sex life, she now finds it very uncomfortable, although HRT may help.
It is interesting that she has no interest in any other form of intimate contact - I have pressed on this issue but she is not at all interested. I don't really understand why.
In any event, I am really getting turned off the idea of having sex with someone who obviously has no interest - particulary if it would only be out of some pathetic sense of duty.
With respect to councelling, she has indicated she is not interested - believing that councelling will not increase her drive. She says she loves me and we have an otherwise acceptable relationship - but she just doesn't have a sex drive and doesn't believe it is right to force her to partake. I may consider councelling on my own, but this would only help me cope with my depressing situation.
I have seriously contemplated leaving. The kids are at home but are attending college for another few years at least. Do I want to leave - not really, but I don't know if I have the ability to live like this for a long period of time.
I am constantly living in the hope that if I stick it out long enough, there will be some change in my situation. Seems like very wishful thinking at this time. I am trying harder at occuping myself with activities to keep me busy so that I don't dwell on my situation, but I am fighting a loosing battle in this regard. I feel that I should not give up hope, however, and that some answer will arise in due course.
Monk, I can relate to how you feel. I don't know if a compromise is possible...my H doesn't see it as a big problem. A number of years ago when he did have a strong sex drive it would have been a HUGE problem if I'd suddenly turned away. Now that LD is a factor he said for me to deal with it. Yes he does listen to me but, like you, it is not a big turn on when your spouse makes you feel like he is giving it the "good ole American try" to shut you up!
Could your spouse's LD be due to any medical/hormonal problem? Has she had a physical? Did she have a normal drive in the beginning? There could be unresolved issues that she is not even aware of that is causing LD. Counseling could help if she would be willing to go. I am considering going myself with the hopes that I can later get him to go. Sometimes people have to hear it from others to understand exactly how their actions affect their spouse.
Maybe if your spouse understands that you are at the point of wanting to leave that would maybe create the desire to at least go to a counselor. Is this something that you could discuss with her? Neicie
Thx for your response - my wife has very low hormones now but will not consider hrt as she feels this is dangerous. We did have a great sex life until about 10 years ago when it began to dwindle down to no sex life about 5 years ago.
I am hoping that she will come around without having to threaten leaving her. I suspect, however, I will have to do something drastic such as leave her for a while (or permanently) to affect any real desire to change in her. I know she is hoping I will loose interest in having a sex life.
I am not ready to play the real heavy hand yet, but I will get there soon if there is no change. What I really don't understand is why she has no desire to try to accomodate me in even the most modest way? Anyway, I guess I really ultimately want the full meal deal, the one we both signed up for when we got married.
I like you feel extremely isolated as a result of the situation. I really don't know if there is anything you can do to overcome this despair. I have tried busying myself with projects and activites but I haven't found I have gained anything from this approach. I hope you have better luck with your husband or can find some way to deal with a non physical relationship.
Quote: my wife has very low hormones now but will not consider hrt as she feels this is dangerous.
Monk: I also passed on HRT as the potential dangers were just too scary. However, with my doctor's approval and supervision, I went through this part of my life with natural (herbal/vitamin) remedies. Had zero side effects and it worked wonderfully for me. Has your wife discussed this with her doctor? There *are* ways besides HRT.
Quote: I like you feel extremely isolated as a result of the situation. I really don't know if there is anything you can do to overcome this despair.
I am/was the HD part of our marriage, my hubby was the LD. I experienced all the side effects of what this can do to the HD spouse. Finally ended up seeing my doctor as my depression was getting worse. I've been on Lexapro for a bit over a month now. I feel a lot better with one major bummer: my sex drive is gone. I don't turn hubby away if he initiates & some times I can get into it, but what a hugely ironic turn of events. I see my doctor later this morning and we will discuss this again.
Good luck and keep us posted on your sitch. Barbara
Monk, How is it that she feels that she is the only one compromising? That is, if you want sex 10 times per week and she wants it zero, and you compromise to having it once per week, haven't you compromised the other 9 times?
I think the real problem is that she thinks it's unreasonable for you to want ANY amount of sex with her, since she has no desire. You are right when you say that she is desperately hoping that you will lose interest altogether. She is wrong--you will just lose interest in HER. I'm not sure if compromising really works, except to say that if you enter into it with the right frame of mind (with a generous spirit) and have frequent sex, more than likely your sex drive will pick up. Sex is one of those "use it or lose it" things with a lot of women. So sometimes it is a matter of getting started and then the more she has, the more she wants.
Monk, I can understand her not wanting HRT - the side affects can be very scary but as one of the other posters said there are natural herbal remedies that perhaps you two could check out together.
I know that leaving is a very scary thing. I do not ever want to leave my husband. We are in this for better or worse and in sickness and health and besides - I have always adored the ground he walks on - so leaving him is not in the picture.
I have told him before that I feel like he has left me. Oh he is still physically here in the house but he has abandoned our sex life except for once every 3 weeks. I did tell him that I felt like the "invasion of the bodysnatchers" had swooped down and taken my HD husband and replaced him with a very nice LD clone.
In your case maybe she doesn't realise how abandoned you feel. It is often very hard to have empathy for something that you don't understand. She simply cannot imagine being upset because she is not getting enough sex. That is not on her radar screen. If she could only see how it truly effects you and could transfer that to something she would miss then she would maybe be open to a little compromise.
Quote: Anyway, I guess I really ultimately want the full meal deal, the one we both signed up for when we got married.
I understand wanting what you signed up for. I signed up for the same deal but it is not the Happy Meal I used to get. This one is a bunch of french fries short of a order.
Quote: I like you feel extremely isolated as a result of the situation. I really don't know if there is anything you can do to overcome this despair. I have tried busying myself with projects and activites but I haven't found I have gained anything from this approach.
I have kept very busy myself. I took up crocheting in January. By the middle of September I had crocheted 9 or 10 complicated afghans. H said that I was obsessive/compulsive. I wanted to tell him NO What I am is FRUSTRATED. I also am an avid genealogy buff and I spend hours researching both our families. I do work part time and have 3 children that are all active in something. I like to cook so just about everyday I am cooking/grilling something! And of course I get on line and dig around.
I hope that you are able to make headway with your spouse this week. Maybe we will both get lucky this week! Neicie
I don't turn hubby away if he initiates & some times I can get into it, but what a hugely ironic turn of events. I see my doctor later this morning and we will discuss this again.