Are we married to the same man?? Mine hasn't asked for the legal bit yet, but I think talking about future partners and custody sums it up yes? And it is all his fault, he has changed blah blah blah.
And yes, I can keep the house, or sell it and use all the money for a new place. And yesterday he asked to talk to me and chatted and laughed and communicated.
My psychologist suggested his behaviour indicates there is still an attachment there, and that there seems to be "something else" he has to work through. (My H has been depressed, and I had hope that was all there was to it - no such luck). Regrdless she suggested not to take anything he said as final at this point.
We talked also looking after me, and talking clearly about anything that was concerning me - such as issues with the children etc... H hasn't beent talking to me or taking responsibility for the kids much, and I had started allowing him to do it because of his depression.
I am going to ask him to go to counselling - not marriage counselling (although yes, I hope we may get there), but to help us deal with the kids, and to help him to communicate with me. My kids are a lot younger - 5 and 2, so we have many years of being part of each others life.
I am not going to initiate anything - if he wants it he can do the leg work.
I don't want to hi-jack your post, but I find comfort that I am not in this crazy situation alone and maybe you'll get some too.
I'm moving on, but not giving up - but right now I am going to read WILMA.
Sue -- I came by to check you out real quick before I leave for work. I'll try to get back to you soon, but I'm going away for the weekend tomorrow so it may be a few days.
In the meantime, can you put a link to your story on my thread? I'd like to see where you're coming from.
All I can say at this point is that you might want to think about what it means to be stuck in limbo and what you might gain by allowing things to get un-stuck. You might gain more than you realize. My best friend suggested to me months ago that sometimes in order to save the relationship you might have to be willing to let the old marriage go.
Hang in there -- you'll be fine.
Stay wilma
I learn by going where I have to go.
~Theodore Roethke
You do not want a divorce. He has not really pushed for a divorce. He does not seem likely to push the divorce at this point.
Could it be that you should not pursue a divorce? Of course, you shouldn't. It's not what you want.
Maybe he is just feeling guilty about his indecision and wanting to be, in his own mixed up way, kind, by giving you permission to get a divorce? Well, don't get something you don't want. And don't lessen his feelings of guilt by accepting his offer of it being ok for you to go get a divorce or time for you to do so or whatever.
Keep db'ing. You have lots of positives in your sitch. Keep focused on yourself. Take some classes. Get active in your church. Spend time with family and friends. And for goodness sakes, pamper yourself. Get lots of rest, eat well, take bubble baths and watch great movies or read some good books. Get a new hobby...take up painting, or pottery, or scuba diving...lol...anything you want. Be selfish and yet be selfless...take care of you first, so you can take care of others around you. Start going out and doing things. Casually let him know about your new interests and activities. This should be easy, you two seem to have a great relationship as friends...take a chance...start to woo him again...slowly at first, just by becoming more interesting, more independent, more of a challenge....and at the same time be his friend, his confidant, and the mother of his children. Compliment him. Thank him when he does something nice. And validate....tell him you understand that he is going through something right now...tell him you know he needs his own space....tell him whatever it is that he so desperately needs to know that you are hearing from him....so far I have not heard him saying he wants a divorce...just that you could get one if you want. So, work it baby, work it....db. Let him see that you are a new exciting version of the same gal he fell in love with so many years ago...and let him fall in love with you all over again.....there's a good chance that you can make it happen. After all, you are an amazing, loving, kind, intelligent, wonderful woman.
WOW Sue, over the course of your last thread, I've been struggling with what to say that could be of help. Now I'm struggling with how to say all I want to without taking up a whole page.
Quote: it has been a year, and that he feels so good that he thinks the bad feelings would come back if he did ... so that we should really think about an attorney and legally ending the m.
Sue, this is a knee-jerk reflect of a statement. He took him self outside the context of the M to work on being back the good feelings, therefore he is blame the M for the "bad" feelings, so the reflex reaction is end the M.
The knee-jerk reaction always comes first, then the thoughts about "what is the real reason for those "bad" feelings, but wait things are different now ... but how so ... and are they really different ... will it stay that way ... and so on ... and so on ...
Sue, H has only scratched the surface in the last year. To his credit, he has figured out that he can change what he does to feel better about himself ... but he yet to tap into whether his feelings for you can grow stronger of explore if being in a loving M with you would make him feel even better than he does now. All this comes later ... after the knee-jerk reflex.
... but you seemed to be pretty well prepared that this was going to be a bit more of a struggle in front of you. Focusing on this same statement of his, presents you with some goals to work at ways to change his perception that those "bad" feeling would return if he spent more time with you. What can you do Sue that will make H feel good about the contact you have with him? To start at this point, it would include doing more fun activities for yourself, so you will have more opportunities to invite H to join you in the fun. If he accepts or not, its OK by you and keep a smile on your face, because you're still going to do something fun. (I see that last nite you went to the movies with friends. Way to go, Sue! I see you already got a head-start on this one!)
Quote: ..then I went and blew it and said "do you think you would ever want to have sex with me again"... he almost choked and then starting laughing..saying he never expected to hear that..and that he was not interested in sex right..we did have a good laugh over it..but it threw him...So did I totally make an a** by saying that...
I notice in a few posts afterwards this began to bother you some. I know you feel more comfortable maintaining a conservative self-image, but being a little more assertive might bring about a renewed sense of excitement to experience and will introduce a new aspect of mystery that will shake up how well H thinks he know you now. Make him see a "whole" new and improved you ... and if he feels good being around the "new" you, then he start to believe that those "bad" feeling in the past are buried in the past and the future all about having good times being spent with you. As you said you had a good laugh and it threw him. This is good.
Remember how ANewBob had to work at bringing about A New Bold Bob. I think it would help you too if you showed H a New Bold Sue. ... and all I mean by this, is to present yourself in a more assertive way of showing how you want to make the most of your time.
I kinda ran out of time as I do have to get back to work, but I want to leave you with ...
This is not really a step backwards, but a natural progression in the way most WAS work thru the process. So forget about the legal stuff for a while ... let it go until he brings it up again. Keep DBing your way forward. Set up your goals, now knowing what H's concerns are so he starts to feel he can move closer to you.
It's so good to come home and find your friends have checked in on you!
Pushme...seems like a lot of us are m to the same person..take care of you and your kids..as you said they are still litle..you have many years to deal with and being friends sure will help you along the way ..no matter what happens to your r with him.
Wilma...thanks..I have to sit and re read your last few posts......I don't know how to link or I would..I'll check in over on your thread..have you ever considered coming over here to tell all us piecing what works and what doesn't?
Alaskangal..nice ot meet you....he is not pushing d...but did mention "legalLy doing something"...I don't know what to make of it..
KAW..he does seem guilty....or am I assuming again...I had a chance to talk briefly with pastor tonight..she said he had told her that he had a talk with me..of course she is not going to tell me everything he says and she shouldn't...I asked if talking to her would be a conflict..she said absolutety not..we only had a minute but I said that it concerns me that after a year he does not seem to want to try and work on us as a couple..and that he seems to think if we were d that I would then go out with a male...I said I was not interested in looking for anyone else..she asked me if I thought he had someone else...was this a shock for me to hear from her...I said no..I said the ff friend was a problem to me in the past..and she(pastor) said "oh "so and so"?..so he has talked about her..she(pastor) did say that she asked him about "ff"..as she knows they bowl together...he said that she is dating someone new..and with that we got interuppted..but would like to talk further...here I have felt that because she and h are friends that she would be more on his side about things..but she seemed concerned about me..and now all I seem to think about is does she think h is lieing and really has someone else...does she know something I don't...she made it sound like he does not open up to her and I really thought if he did it would be to her..she is very open and upbeat about life and of course God!!
So now I sit here and wonder.......about so many things...the mind is playing with me....is this all a joke with what he's been saying....
I feel like I am back to square one.....this past year has been one of change and discovery....it is so great to hear that time is on my side...you guys can see things that I am missing sometimes..I just don't know anything new or different to work on...I am at a loss what to do for my r now. I can only continue to be me..
I talked to my friend at work and told her what h had said...she said "does he know how you really feel" no..cause I have not had a chance to really sit down and talk....she thinks if I don't tell him I still love him..would like to try to work at a new r..then maybe he is thinking that I really don't care......
I was thinking the same thing! If I don't tell H how will he know what I want. Sometimes I get confused about this DR stuff, like no R talks; you can't go without talking R talks forever. When is the right time to have R talks? And when is what you are are doing not pursuing or telling them what you want I can't seem to figure out where the line is drawn. What is acceptable and what is a no-no!
Although, mt H is making lots of baby steps, I think, "Am I seeing baby steps or am I assuming.
If you are at a stand still, maybe it is time to do a 180. If what you are doing seems to not be working, change what you are doing!
I just want you to know; I know how you feel! I have been separated for over 9 months now. I'm getting a little impatient and figety.
But then, I have it in my head that H will eventually come home. I just need to be patient. He will be ready when he is ready.
Do you call H? Do you touch H? Do you invite H over? If you don't maybe you should try to do those things and moniter the results. Have you changed? If you haven't then work on what you want to change about you.
If it's been a year than you need to do something different.
Deb...I know the impatient thing..that is one great improvement I have made..to be more patient in all things in life. We have pretty much been in some kind of contact each week for the year he's been gone..do I touch him..no only the few hugs I gave him..one when he went on church trip this summer, and a few weeks ago when my Aunt died..I sense he does not want to touch me...he was always the toucher..so I guess I figure if he wants to he will..I have invited him over and he comes..but that is it..while we are so much more comfortable together now, there are still issues.. and since we talked last week..I now know he is thinking more towards d then being together...so I need some tips there......I can't just start throwing myself at him..but maybe he needs to hear from me that I do still want us, and that I do still love him. I am feeling much better about talking now.
After all, you are an amazing, loving, kind, intelligent, wonderful woman. 
I can't seem to figure out where the line is drawn. What is acceptable and what is a no-no!