Just before going to sleep, and before I forget again. I haven't been able to read the profiles of everyone here or their stories. THere is a question that I've been meaning to ask. How many of you are dealing with a second affair? I know lots of people that are struggling with one affair, and some told me they wouldn't deal with a second. That one was more than enough and that if it happened again thant that was it. Myself at the time of RUi's first affair felt inclined to think like that at some point. But the second one did happen, and here I am trying to work on this once again, and sometimes feeling alone in the fact that it was his second affair. Are there any more of you dealing with more than one affair?
Ok now I do have to go, but I just had to post this question. Hugs nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Although I'm not sure how it compares as I found out about the first one AFTER I found out about the second...actually in the same very illuminating phone call with OW #2!!!
The first one doesn't even phase me, as it was brief and not quite the "love affair" that the second one was. Plus it was long over by the time the "real" bombs hit.
Not sure if this helps, but you did ask!!!
IMHO everyone has their own limit...some would pull the plug over an EA or a one night stand...it all depends on the couple, and the circumstances doesn't it?
If you're wondering if you're "dumb" or "weak" for trying to work through this a second time, my answer is NO!! Absolutely NOT.
if you count the emotional affair my husband had in 96 then i am dealing with two myself
i didn't really know about ea's (knowing that they are just as damaging as pa's) until this year. so i didn't count that as an affair until recently
my limit was "i would NEVER put up with someone who wasn't loyal to me"
well, i have had to eat those words. i cannot believe to this day that i didn't leave my husband the day he dropped the bomb cause i believed i always would
Quote: my limit was "i would NEVER put up with someone who wasn't loyal to me"
well, i have had to eat those words
LOL tell me about it... and they're even not sweet words that would make us having to eat them a bit easier YOu know what, I never really thought about it before the affairs happened. SO Ican't even know what my view on it were before they happened. I know for example that an emotional link upsets me more than a physical one, maybe because I'm more confident of the physical part of our marriage. ANd I don't know to what point a one night stand would upset me. IN my case though I knew about each affair as it started, which made it difficult because of course they were not resolved right away. Sometimes I would feel envious of the people that only learned about the affair after it ended, but after thining about it, I don't think it matters, the pain is the same.
It's interesting that Rui's first affair was the one were our marriage seemed to have been more threatned - on that one he did consider leaving and was looking forward for a new life with her - and although it was difficult it wasn't as hard as this one. I guess it was the shock of it being the first time.. it numbed the whole thing. This one has been harder to deal with. BEcause it was the second, because he lied to me for almost an year, because it was less honest - if I can call it that - in the sense that he didn't mean to leave, he didn't feel strongly about this person, but it was happening just the same, for no reason. THe first one, he at least was telling me he didn't want or marriage. THis one he was telling me he wanted it.. he wanted to grow old with me.. and still not ending the affair. It feels worse because of it I think, although I wonder if people in worse situations than mine wouldn't find it easier to deal with.
And yes shiny sometimes I do feel dumb, weak and completely silly to want to work this out. Sometimes I even wonder if all this trying to keep the M alive isn't enabling him to think.. oh well, she wants this marriage, so I can do it again, she'll do her best to keep the M again. I don't want him to get the idea that it's ok to do it, and then apologize and then go and do it again. I know he probably doesn't, we've talked about it in detail, but it's the feeling I have sometimes. I guess after the first affair I didn't really fear much about another affair. I thought that we had worked out all there was to work out. I honestly wasn't expecting a second one. I felt we were providing great maintenance to our marriage every single day, and that it would be enough. Then the second one happened and yes... I do fear there will be another.. and who knows another.... you get the idea.
ANyway, have to go figure out what to do for dinner, will be back later. Hugs nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Quote: Sometimes I even wonder if all this trying to keep the M alive isn't enabling him to think.. oh well, she wants this marriage, so I can do it again, she'll do her best to keep the M again. I don't want him to get the idea that it's ok to do it, and then apologize and then go and do it again. I know he probably doesn't, we've talked about it in detail, but it's the feeling I have sometimes.
And any of us here that had a H thatcheated knows how you feel! You can add me to the list. AND THAT is my greatest fear, will he think it's OK to do it again!
Aren't they lucky to have a wife that will forgive!
That is so true...a fear that I didn't really didn't have after his first affair - how arrogant of me! I"m all for forgiving - actually that is part of who I am, but.... forgiving the same thing how many times???? Hopefully no more. I"m curious, anyone dealing with a third affair? nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
