I have been trying to be nice to my H and he just doesn't let me!!!
The main problem I have is that being the HD spouse and no having sex for now almost 2 months , is that I feel so utterly rejected. I have been doing I think I good job at not nagging him as well as really being appreciative of his contributions, they being a meal he prepared, washing clothes, etc, no critical, just very very supportive, but everytime I try to do ANYTHING for him . i.e clean the back of his black turtleneck that had a few cat's hairs, he just won't let me . I mean it sounds like I am overreacting, but that is the latest one, he constantly doesn't allow me to do anything for him. I have even told him that sometimes loving also mean let other people love you, but he keeps on telling me basically needs nothing of me!. The funny thing is that he doesn't say that in anger at all, it is almost like he cannot understand why I even want to help him in anything? he doesn't see anything wrong with us just being there in the same house, but doing nothing in commun and not interacting.
Can't he understand how hurtfull that is?? Is not just that he doesn't need my touch...that is so painfully clear... but he doesn't even want to accept any kindness!!!
I am so frustrated of his attitude, this I don't need anybody crap!
This morning I got so mad with him that I left for work without even saying goodbye, or kissing him which I never do. I am not even going to call him today at work to "just say hello" like I normally do, since it is so clear that that annoys him too. I feel like such a wimp, always loving him, always saying nice things to him, while he is innappreciative and distant and will more than likely really appreciate if I never "interrupted him" on his everyday activities that, of course, do not include me .
I am at a loss, I am so angry and frustrated. I don't know how to take this anymore, this constant reminder that we are nothing but roommates in his head.
He needs you in his life. Your mere presence as a part of his life is enough for him. That is the language he speaks. You may not be able to create a "need" in him for other expressions of love. However, that doesn't mean he can't learn to accept your expressions of love.
Have you tried taking complete ownership of the need? By that I mean you present it to him as something that YOU need rather than something you think he ought to need from you. Acknowledge that your mere presence is enough for him, but let him know that you need to give him more tangible expressions of love. Make letting you be nice to him be something he does FOR YOU. I think this is probably what you mean when you say
Quote: I have even told him that sometimes loving also mean let other people love you,
But you might need to make it more explicit that you don't need him to need you to do these things. You need him to let you express your love.
That makes sense. But I do have some uneasiness about it. Let me explain...
It makes me sad , that I can't do anything to lighten HIS load. Even when he is sick he doesn't allow me to take care of him, when in this situation, most men are total babies (I know, I have a Dad and a Brother just like that )he is not. All my offers to prepare nice food, or something to drink, to back rubs, to ANYTHING gets turned down. He wants to be left alone, like on any other situation really.
It goes deeper than my hurt feelings, but this horrible nagging thought that he can get what I give him , which is nothing, anywhere. You know what I mean? I guess I am scare to lose my husband.
I know I am not making much sense now, but is it so bad to want my Husband to actually need me a bit, just a bit?
Obviously I can't really know for sure what your H is like from just a few things you write here. I know quite a few people, however, who are very independent-minded and whom I would describe the way you describe your H. They don't need others to take care of the usual "needs." They do, however, need that person in their lives who "completes them" (Thanks, blackrook for this line from Jerry McQuire! )
They would be devastated at their loss should that person leave or die. A label for what that person does for them may not exist. But if you're the person who does that for them,...you're very special and can't be replaced.
Once again, I can't really know if this is what your H is all about. I would encourage you to talk with him about YOUR thoughts and YOUR feelings. Use "I" statements; describe your feelings but avoid saying anything that may hint at blaming him for your feelings; and DON'T tell him what he's thinking. Just talk with him about you and ask him for his thoughts. In a way, you'd be opening up, with him, the conversation that you are having here.
msm, I ran across some of your earlier posts while I was catching up on the bb. I'm altering my earlier assessment of your H a bit. He may be one of those independent types I mentioned, but at the same time, I don't see these people getting depressed that much. The occasional brief blues, yes, but not depression.
Seems like your H needs a success experience right now. If you open the conversation I mentioned in my earlier post, be positive about your relationship. If he is seriously depressed, he may not be able to handle an R discussion that could in anyway leave him feeling like he isn't measuring up. I bet he needs you more in his life now than perhaps ever before. Your presence may be what keeps him going.
Exercise. If he won't do anything for his depression, get him to go for walks with you if nothing else. Exercise is just about always on the treatment list for depression.
I have a fundamental problem with the statement that HE doesn't ALLOW you to be nice to him.
He doesn't have that kind of power. You can be nice whenever you want to, however you want to. You don't need his permission.
Now if you are expecting something in return for that niceness, then I think you are not being honest. If you want to 'give' to him, let the effort of giving be your reward. If you are nice and giving to him, and are expecting something back in return, then you are trying to manipulate him. You are then trying to 'barter' with him.
That's okay, barter all you want, but don't wrap it up in the 'giving' package, and then get all mad when you don't get anything in return for it.
I can see why you interpreted the "He doesn't allow me to be nice" statement as you did. But, no, that is not what I do, I do not expect him to be nice or good in return, I learned that leasson a long time ago.... with friends actually. I think giving is its own reward. When I say he doesn't allow me to be nice to him, I didn't mean my demeanor, but more concrete "niceness" , more activity oriented, like making his coffee or making him a meal. He will actually stop me from doing those activities, like take over the cooking,even though I clearly stated I wanted to make it for him, or just plain say no when I offer to make or do anything for him. I have started to actually sneak up some coffee making activities before he can even stop me.
He is actually getting a bit better at that, and has actually relax a bit. I am not going to take over his obligations at home, I am not trying to mother him, but sometimes when I see him a bit busy or tired I jumb at the chance to lighten his load.
I am a lot more relax now about the whole situation, because I have realized that the more anxious I am about the whole sex and rejection situation, the more uptight he gets and the worse the sit gets, it is like a vicious cycle.
Now , I am concentrating on me a whole lot more, that way I have less time to obsess over lack of sex and hopefully it will take the preassure off my H enough.
I am trying to be more positive and not have everything I do, good or bad tainted with the underlying hurt that I have been feeling for the past year.
Like MPT said, it is as important to learn how to receive graciously as it is to give without any expectation of something in return.
Clearly your H has something to learn about receiving graciously, and it could be very, very difficult for him. It could be a control issue, it could be a vulnerability issue. How many years did he live on his own before the two of you married?
You do sound much more relaxed and I'm glad to see you are concentrating more on yourself. It does help to keep your attention diverted.
Let me ask you something. Why do you think your husband was attracted to you initially? (other than you being ravishingly beautiful and he just couldn't help himself
MSM; It sounds like some progress has happened in your sit I am happy for that but it does sound and from your view I'm sure oh so slow. The prevous advice on this thread I would consider good. The only thing I can think I might add is, when doing those those nice thing you mentioned, DON'T let him take over. Just tell him that you started what ever it is your doing and you ARE going to finish. He maybe feeling guilty, let him. Now you might try redirrecting with that. When he comes in and trys to take over like a meal give something like this a go. msm, "thanks for offering dear, but I have things just the way I want them. I would appreciate your help tho. How about you (blank) like you said you would do. That would really hep me out." The blank could be an number of things, check on my car, put the lawn furniture away for the season, ect. Then when it's done tell him you appreciated what he did. If you can get him to "help" you, doing little things later you can get his "help" with some fun things. Many guys are fix-it kind of critters. We also like "helping" people we like or love. Also, look at doing some prementive planing. You want to make a nice dinner, before you even start, get him going on something or send him on an errand. Then you'll be well along when he gets back. And don't all ways make it a honey do kind of thing. Suggest he go check on something he likes or part of a hobby. Another thought is when he comes home tail between his legs just draging, suggest that he looks as he could use a rest why don't go lay down or put your feet up for a bit. Hope this helps.
)he is not. All my offers to prepare nice food, or something to drink, to back rubs, to ANYTHING gets turned down. He wants to be left alone, like on any other situation really. 
)