My husband and I have only being married for 2 years (no children) and I feel like a huge failure (`we are only 31 years old)
I love my H dearly, with all the love and passion I am capable of. Unfortunately it seems that my passion is "Too much" for him.
Here is my story:
I am a very attractive , if a bit on the chunky side, woman. I have always being very sexual and always knew it. Even as a teenager when I was still a virgin, I knew it and felt proud of it. I knew this High Libido came with responsibility so I learned to control myself quite well, besides I am a romantic, so I never took the route of having lots of boyfriends. I married a wonderful man, intelligent, opinionated and truly good, who has no interest in sex whatsoever. All started when we were dating, when we would have sex only once a week (I thought it was because we only saw each other on weekends due to work)but when we got married I realized just how truly different our libidos were. In the beggining I just couldn't understant what was happening, I started thinking I was doing something wrong, I went the "I am too fat to be desirable" route too, so I try other things, but when they did not work, I started feeling more and more confused and hurt. I started asking him why and the more hurt and rejected I felt, the more I wanted to talk about it with him, he tell me that he sees sex as a bodily function, nothing important, and that we went without sex for long periods of time after every girlfriend and "got used to it" . Unfortunately the only thing I accomplished with my "talks" was to alienated him even more, now WHEN we have sex, it lasted maybe 5 minutes, he looses his erection completely and when that happens I can see how mortified he is. He then tells me that is either too late and be have to get up early or that he forgot something in the other room and practicaly runs out of the bedroom.
I don't know what to do, I have talked until it hurts, trying to make him understand that is not "and itch that needs scratching " like he thinks it is, but that I love him and need to be physically loved. I have tried to be understanding and patient, without one complain comming out of my mouth for months. Nothing changed. I even stopped initiating sex, so if he wants to, then he can approach me. I had even stop sex when I have looked on his face and I see someone that is not there, totally absent , just laying in there, waiting for me to just do my business and leave him alone. I sometimes feel like I am sexually assaulting him. It breaks my heart.
Are there any LD men that can give me an idea of what could possibly be happening in his head? Any W that have succeded to solve their Libido differences with their LD Husbands.
My husband and I have only being married for 2 years (no children) and I feel like a huge failure (`we are only 31 years old)
I love my H dearly, with all the love and passion I am capable of. Unfortunately it seems that my passion is "Too much" for him.
Here is my story:
I am a very attractive , if a bit on the chunky side, woman. I have always being very sexual and always knew it. Even as a teenager when I was still a virgin, I knew it and felt proud of it. I knew this High Libido came with responsibility so I learned to control myself quite well, besides I am a romantic, so I never took the route of having lots of boyfriends. I married a wonderful man, intelligent, opinionated and truly good, who has no interest in sex whatsoever. All started when we were dating, when we would have sex only once a week (I thought it was because we only saw each other on weekends due to work)but when we got married I realized just how truly different our libidos were. In the beggining I just couldn't understant what was happening, I started thinking I was doing something wrong, I went the "I am too fat to be desirable" route too, so I try other things, but when they did not work, I started feeling more and more confused and hurt. I started asking him why and the more hurt and rejected I felt, the more I wanted to talk about it with him, he tell me that he sees sex as a bodily function, nothing important, and that we went without sex for long periods of time after every girlfriend and "got used to it" . Unfortunately the only thing I accomplished with my "talks" was to alienated him even more, now WHEN we have sex, it lasted maybe 5 minutes, he looses his erection completely and when that happens I can see how mortified he is. He then tells me that is either too late and be have to get up early or that he forgot something in the other room and practicaly runs out of the bedroom.
I don't know what to do, I have talked until it hurts, trying to make him understand that is not "and itch that needs scratching " like he thinks it is, but that I love him and need to be physically loved. I have tried to be understanding and patient, without one complain comming out of my mouth for months. Nothing changed. I even stopped initiating sex, so if he wants to, then he can approach me. I had even stop sex when I have looked on his face and I see someone that is not there, totally absent , just laying in there, waiting for me to just do my business and leave him alone. I sometimes feel like I am sexually assaulting him. It breaks my heart.
Are there any LD men that can give me an idea of what could possibly be happening in his head? Any W that have succeded to solve their Libido differences with their LD Husbands.
Please Help! I feel like I am drowing
I can't say for sure what's going on in his head. I can only tell you what was going on in mine over the past year or so. I had anger issues towards my W because of financial mistakes she made. To make up for them, she took a second job and I didn't see her much. More anger. During this time Mr. Depression creeped in.
My point in giving a mini history of myself is to say that I loved my W during this time. However, I just didn't have the desire to do anything. It's not that I didn't find her attractive. She put on weight and I hoped she would put on a little more but that's me. Not loving most likely isn't an issue.
You say you speak to him about it. How do you do that? Do you pick the most opportune times to talk, for example, my wife would wait until Nascar was on. I hate to ask this but is your talking really nagging. I began to put up a nag filter. I heard what she was saying but it didn't get through.
Your H may want to get himself checked out. It may be something that can be treated. Is he depressed? In my world, my labido came back without warning. A little late but what the heck.
I know this is a rambling answer but I hope there's something in there.
I can tell you that my H has been depressed for a couple of months now, which has made sex not scarse, but nonexistant. He tells me the reasons for his depression has nothing to do with our marriage, but mostly with his job and the fact we live in a town he dislikes.
Answering your question about timming of my conversations with him and if I nag, I can tell you that my timing is usually ok but I have let anger get the best of me, even treatening to leave him on occation. I am not proud of that. Which is why I changed my approach and tried to be very understanding and give him his space. I am waiting for him to be out of his depression before I do anything else. Unfortunately I am so hurt that it is very difficult not to show it. I am trying to be the best wife I can, but my hurt is transforming into anger that is spilling in other areas of our marriage. I have become a nag and I know it. I am making a concious decision not to nag anymore, but I am like a time bomb and that is why I said that I feel like I am drowning...in my own sorrow and pain. Sorry to sound so melodramatic but I am desperate, I burst into tear even at work when I think about this situation.
He told me he is not willing to be checked by a doctor either and that we just have to wait for the depression to go away and that then we can see if the sex improves.
What do I do? I feel like the worse person for feeling so angry at him when he needs me to be calm and wait. Unfortunately time is working with oposite results on us.
Please, write your thoughts, any idea, even if it is to tell me what a selfish woman I am (that is how I feel) will be taken with the outmost gratitude.
I will tell you right now that you are not a selfish woman. Every one needs certain things in there life to feel like they are loved wanted and needed. There are a lot of us who are in your same sitch. Where our Spouse is the LD person and don't know what to do. My advice would be try and be patient with your H.
Honey, the very first thing you do is to not internalize his problem and make it about you. There is nothing wrong with you or your expectations. The problem here is that you have found yourself married to a man whose ideas as far as sex are concerned differ from yours. There could be a multitude of reasons why and he probably has no idea himself.
You need to take a good look at his personality. How does he handle other stresses in his life? Does he have a tendency to avoid difficult issues? Does he avoid confrontations with you when it comes to other unpleasant issues? His personality in all areas of his life will tell you how he will handle this situation.
This is a problem that affects his pride as a man and will also cause him to feel enormous shame. Those two things will cause him to back away from the issue and ignore it. He is ignoring his depression. His way of dealing with that is to let time pass and the problem will pass. He is wrong....problems don't just take care of themselves. There is nothing you can do about how he chooses to handle his problems.
You can, however, do something about the way you handle the pain his problem is causing you. I would suggest you read The Sex Starved Marriage. I would also suggest you see a therapist so you will have someone to talk to about the situation. Stay away from your husband sexually and stay away from any talk of the sexual differences. It sounds as if he is pretty closed off and feeling pressured right now. Do some research, read some books and don't engage in discussion of the problem until you feel you are better equipped to handle yourself in a productive way. Most importantly, do not think you are wrong to want your husband, do not think you are unattractive or unwanted by him, do not take on his problem as your own and do not let your needs be dismissed just because he can't deal with a senstive subject. Learn how to approach him in an empathetic way and then do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy. Good luck Cathy~
MSM;
I'm with Grislen that you are not being selfish, sex is a basic human need and is very importatant to a marriage.
Couple of thoughts from a guy from the flip side and just a guys perspective.
1. Until you get this straighten out to your satisfaction don't have children it will get worse then!
2. Your smart to have quit threating leaving, my wife did that I offered to help her pack, and I was serrious. Don't make a threat you don't want to follow up on. Don't use leaving as a weapon other wise he may feel the end is near not worth trying.
guys are in gerneral wired differently than women. I for one find sex helps lift me out of being depressed, he must be the other way, has to feel good then will do it.
If work isn't going well for him that a BIG BIG deal for most guys! It reflects on our self image not being good enough to play on the team idea. The same with the town esspcially if he moved you folks there because of his work.
So he maybe feeling like a failure and now his wife is not happy his whole flipping world and life is going into a blackhole in one fell swoop and he may feel helpless to stop it.
If you really love him and want to try and make things better I have some thoughts.
You can't control his work but you can control how you deal with him and thats about it.
First go to him be straight up and not real emotional if you can. (no crying our brains stop working when our ladies cry) Tell him how much you love him and that if anything you did hurt him you truly sorry and you WILL NOT threaten to leave him any more! (if your going to leave just do it) Tell him that you understand he's upset about things at work and around this town but you married him for HIM not his job or the town. Tell him if those things need to change for him you will be there supporting him. If he's a sports kind of guy talk to him in sports language, tell him even the superstars of teams have off times thats why there are backup quarterbacks and relief pitchers. Tell him that you are his backup and you want him to be your back up. What your doing is your taking the pressure off him to be perffect and you view him as a failure (BIG DEAL!!) we don't want to look like a failure and have our wives thin we are a failure. Tell him you have confidence in him and his ablities to do his career other wise you would not have married him. Now as things go along be interested in his job and why he hates the town. Ask problem solving questions DO NOT tell him what to do.
When he says something like, "I hate my job because I work with a couple of jerks and they make it tough for me or the boss is a nit wit and can't run the department" say something like, so what do you think you should do about it? Then what ever he say support it unless it's "I'm go down with a M-16 and kill the who bunch of them". If it's I need to get better suited to the job, or I need to transffer or find a new job or what ever just tell him that you think that is fine, and you will do your part to help him make the change. If it means you will suffer financially SO what go through it and you will be strong in the end. If he feels "safe" at home and with you things will get better for you physically I would bet.
I hope this helps you any other guys want to chime in here.
I'll give you more thought if you want later other wise I'll shutup. PS Cathy is giving good insite as far as I'm concerned too.
I would have to agree with Cathy. Please do not make this a you issue. My W did this. Now, she reads like the bullet points in the SSM book add. Nearly word for word. Realize that you are a beautiful woman. You H has the problem. I didn't realize how much of a problem I had until it was too late. Depression is a slick thing. It will creep up on you before you know it. You'll/I wound up in my own little world of anger, pain and such. I tried not to share those feelings with my W. I guess I was macho. Looking back, if I had talked to her about things, she would have known it's not her it was me.
I don't have any advice on getting your H to the doctor. Quite frankly with me, it was my W getting on meds and telling me she thinks I needed them too. She led by example. Not to say you need to get on anything. After 2 weeks, she reported the old Blackrook was back. The cat even liked me.
I just read your last thread again. I will say that my previous jobs were a constant source of anger with me. I would try to leave the stuff there. It was hard. My W tried to listen as best she could. It's easier said than done to quit and do something else. I knew I couldn't quit. I was making good money and had obligations. This kind of hit my manhood a bit. Manhood hits in my opinion can come from anywhere. Just try to listen. Shake your head whether you care or not. If you've heard the same story, please just listen.
The other advice posted here is very good. But I encouirage you to NOT have children until things get straightened out. Having children will make things worse.
I follow Cathy's advise and I bought the Book. I was a little worried that I was going to get even more blue when reading it, but to my surprise it gave so much hope!. I almost finished yesterday after work ( I had to stop when I realized it was 1AM).
I think I have been reading so much about what is "wrong" with my situation and NOTHING about what to do about it from the HD spouse.
Now I feel so much better knowing there are some actions can take without having to involve a very reluctant H.
I also thank you afools_fool for giving me good advice. Also to CeMar. We have decided not to have children until we are better on our relationship. He thinks we are a good couple and have a good marriage, me , on the other hand was seeing all through the glasses of a sex starved wife, so nothing felt right. Wow, I am so surprised how relieved I am after reading part of the book! To think I am not completely poweless and just wishing something to change without being able to really "do" anything about it. Now I have some nice wife duties to pull and I am happy about it. Children can wait until we are both ok with our marriage.
Afools_fool and Blackroot also made the point about how work is such a BIG deal to men. I cannot say I completely understand that, but I believe you and I will make more efforts to understand that and try to make my H not feel like a failure and that should be easy enough to show, since I don't think that for a minute! We both have pretty good jobs and lots of debt we are paying off, so we are both pressure on that area. Very insideful of you guys when you commented "that maybe he felt responsible since he moved us to that Town" that is right on the nail!
I have decided that I will no nag anymore (difficult , but I think doable) and I will relax and read the rest of the book so I can learn what other steps to take (I stopped right on Chapter 7)
Your welcome ! I'm glad you are finding help and hope you and H can improve your R so you can have great life together. Have you read the book Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. ? I feel that book does pretty good job of helping to get a understand of how men and women think and feel different from each other. You say you don't understand why men feel responsible for job, town, happiness. It kind of goes back too the old society standards of the man is expected to provide for his family and make sure that the family is successfull. Successfull in who's eye's? First in the eyes' of our mate and Second our own eye's, third ......family, Mother, Father, brothers, sister and four friends and aquantiances. When, we hear things from our mate about being unhappy, we automaticly blame ourselves, you may not blame us but just hearing it we then take it on. Many times women talk about things just to vent and to try and feel connected. We take the "blame" just as if we go to dinner and if we (men) choose the the place to eat and it's a bust we feel bad. Did we make the food, no, did we provide the service, no we choose the place and that relects on OUR judgement so we feel like we should have "known". Same thing about the Town your in if you moved becasue of Him, (and we define that as our job, our our desire) he will feel it is his fault because HE accepted the job that brought about the unhappiness and there for he is reasponsible. We men many times feel then that "we should have checked out" the job, town ect. better and if we only had then the situation would be different. It's pretty linear thinking. A couple of thoughts of how to help him deal with this. If you had imput on the decission you might want to remind him that you agreed to take the position and that not only did he not see the problems and neither did you and that again you two are in this together and together you will figure out how to best deal with it. If you allowed him to make the decission then you might then say something like "you know hney I had and have the upmost faith and confidence in you no matter how well you check out something things can be missed, companies always put their "best face" on. Let's figure out a plan so we can move on together. Juat my thoughts hope this helps. I think it's pretty cool you want to understand and make things better!
! I'm glad you are finding help and hope you and H can improve your R so you can have great life together. 