nightshade, yep, it doesn't take much for the old insecurities to come back. at times like this I think there has been too much water under the bridge to eve be good again in the long run, but then I also think that there has been too much healing these past 21 months to not continue getting better. He sent me an email telling me we need to talk without getting mad or defensive and ended it with "your loving husband". Lisa
Lisa, you don't have to feel like a failure. YOu are not! Either in his eyes or yours. You are just a person tha twen trought a lot of pain and is hoping to get her marriage back , fully. You don't have to be perfect, because nobody is. And you don't have to blame yourself. YOu cannot turn back into the girl that he feel in love with, because that was a long time ago and both of you changed since then. However you can be the woman he loves and that's just as important. It's funny you talking about the girl he fell in love with, because rui told me that at the time of his affair. "I just want my girl back" I couldn't really do that, literaly at least, but I was able to give him a "taste" of how girlish I still feel
Maybe him feeling that you're not completely happy might be making him feel like a failure as well. And if that's so this will only go in circles. BReak the cycle. Find things you enjoy to do, both with him and by yourself. Smile... you can't imagine the power of a smile! Make life vibrant for you and life will be vibrant for both of you.- in theory -
A hug nigthshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Quote: We have made a lot of progress and I can tell from his email tonight that he is not feeling totally distant and detached like he was a time of bomb 21 months ago.
Lisa,
just want to be clear on this one...he is NOT acting TOTALY detached like he was before??
Quote: I'd like it to be just slump but when he said that I wasn't happy either, with EITHER being the opperative word that tells me he's not again.
when I'm not happy in the r..h tends not to be happy in the r...we then end up in a place where I blame my unhappiness with the r on how he is "being" and he blames my unhappiness for his unhappiness etc etc etc....
if you could just look at this as a "slump" a "phase" a "transitioning point" another "swing of the pendulum" etc and get back in the mindframe you were in your last thread what would change?
Please don't allow yourself to sit and entertain thoughts that you are not the woman for h, that he wants someone more ow's age, or looks or anything..I did that for far to long we can't make ourselves younger, shorter, blonder (well there is bleach but why ). All we can do is make ourselves the best US that we can be.
as far as the condom goes? is there reason to disbelive it was son who took it?
the cologne before working out? heck I used to get a bit concerned when h put on nice smelling after shave to go to work but then I'm the one who put in on the vanity and suggested he use it...I also got myself in a pickle when I suggested to h that wearing a baseball hat all day everyday wasn't helping him with his hair that he complained about and then much to my dismay felt a bit concerned when he "did" his hair before leaving the house...(sheesh I'm difficult aren't I)
point I'm trying to make is when we carry a negative attitude about the state of the r, we feel it, they feel it and the feeling just spreads like a weed. Same principal applies in reverse.
ANd it is true, when I'm down, Rui tends to pick the feeling and it seems exactly like LL says.
Maybe before the talk you have time to right a few points you would like to discuss. Make sure to include good stuff that is happening as well. ANother thought, maybe he's just confused. Whe tend to do to others what we like done to us, maybe he's actions are meant to show you he loves you, but they might not be the ones that reassure you of that. And that might get him confused and blaming himself for your feeling down. Just an idea Hugs nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
no not totally detached like back then at all. that was so blatant and obvious.
about the condom, son would get his own, and he would have had no way of knowing that we had them in the first place. what ever, I've decided to let that situation go. H always seems to be able to put me in my place in a disagreement and I do not have the energy for this one. it's just that it all happened at once, the condom, the cologne, the distance, the non-interest in sex with me.
I'll be curious to find out what I've done wrong this time, what he's gonna say to me. I have to admit I was confused and thrown off guard at feeling like an intruder in my own house earlier today. I was quiet after that, simply because I was dumbfounded. Not pissed, just confused and dumbfounded. Confused and dumbfounded at his seeming lack of interest in sex with ME but willingness to watch porno and take care of his needs himself if you know what I mean and I'm sure you all do. Yes, I literally caught him with his pants down. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to embarrass him. Lisa
Hi lostlove, well apparently this 'distance' that I felt was real, it occured as a result of him listening to a cd set called 'the emotionally healthy marriage", it's by a pastor and in it he refers to pornography being a sin and treating wives with respect and not sex objects etc. and it turns out that that really got to him, he said that he started feeling guilty and therefore withdrew from me so as not to "use me". I had already listened to this cd set and it didn't cross my mind that he would take those parts of it so seriously. That's what it all boils down to.
H said that he gave up on the porn and looking at it on the web etc. and along with this pastor saying to treat wives with more respect and not sex objects etc. that he got turned off. Then I heard about how visual men are and all that. well I know that. so anyway, that's what caused the rift. we are getting along better because we talked about it. He told that if I was the one giving him cleavage shots etc. that he wouldn't need to look at it elsewhere. men! Lisa
Quote: well apparently this 'distance' that I felt was real,
yes real, but not for the reasons you were thinking!
and I agree with kml, start showing him some skin but not so much as to lead him to feel guilty for it...or heck let him know that you apreciate his "not wanting to use you" but that as a man and wife it is ok to share your bodies.
Even in the bible (I know part of this is one of the old testament readings you can have at a catholic wedding) the couple pray for forgivness just before they ravage eachother so if they can do it so can you.
). All we can do is make ourselves the best US that we can be.