Ok, we have 30 days until our final hearing for the D. 2 weeks ago he said he wanted to be married now it's I don't love you, all we had was sex and money in our marriage, don't touch me, we are over.
I'm so freaking out! I wanted to get an extension of 6 months because he had agreed to go to counseling. But counseling has gone out the window now! We ML Monday night now he doesn't want to do that anymore he says.
What should I do? Extend or let the divorce go through? I find it so hard to believe that his feelings have changed so drastically in 2 weeks!
Yes, I can extend the D for a period of months I specify. But should I if he's so adamant that it's over? He's been here before except this time he maintains that he FEELS sure its over. I know I don't want the divorce but holding out when the other is not in love with you seems pointless.
Should I extend do you think? My other friends maintain that he will change his mind but that it won't last as long as he doesn't admit he needs counseling or that he contributed to the demise of the marriage. Yeah, he'll change his mind but it won't last.
He says for me not to do it! I say well I'll submit a dismissal and he can pay for HIS divorce and he becomes livid...says he is not spending the money on it! He says he'll pay my attorney to finish the job though...huh?
He says that he sees no point in extending since I will never change. And that my expectations are too high. I said I can lower them but he says it won't work because I have a bar of how low I'm willing to go and that even if I lower for a month that it will go back up and I'll be demanding again! I ask well what is the problem with squeezing my hand back when I squeeze yours, and returning my hugs instead of letting your arms hang limply at your side and maybe once a week saying ILY...can you do that? He says he sees no point now since he's done.
My heart says to extend but my mind sees the reality that he'll never get us off this roller coaster as long as he doesn't get help.
Do you have to decied right away? You said you have 30 days till final? How long do you have until you could no longer file an extension?
My question is this... What if you took all the pressure off for a few days/weeks and was very agreeable everytime he talked about it?
Quote: He says that he sees no point in extending since I will never change. And that my expectations are too high. I said I can lower them but he says it won't work because I have a bar of how low I'm willing to go and that even if I lower for a month that it will go back up and I'll be demanding again! I ask well what is the problem with squeezing my hand back when I squeeze yours, and returning my hugs instead of letting your arms hang limply at your side and maybe once a week saying ILY...can you do that? He says he sees no point now since he's done
Is there a way to have these conversations without the R talks? Maybe he is feeling a lot of pressure from this type of conversation?? JMHO
My H also goes back and forth. Wants to keep me close, yet have all the freedom. Confusion and guilt are on high on the list. So I go with the flow.
I have started thinking about it this way. While I DO NOT want to be D, I DO NOT want the old relationship back. So I am putting it to rest. And if that means it will take a D for closure of that R to lay the groundwork for a new and improved R, so be it.
Again, every situation is different and you need to do what is right for you.
Well, I would say, don't sleep with H again! Delay if you can. Detach, and go have fun with friends. wait awile and see what happens. Is there an OW? What is his hurry all of a sudden?
My H knew for "SURE" it was over several times throughout these past 14 or so months....NOW his clothes are hanging back in his closet AND his car is parked in OUR driveway every night.
Your H's back and forths are perfectly normal. IF YOU want an extension...go for it. T2
Quote: Do you have to decied right away? You said you have 30 days till final? How long do you have until you could no longer file an extension?
I have to decide by Friday the 17th.
Quote: What if you took all the pressure off for a few days/weeks and was very agreeable everytime he talked about it?
So you are saying just agree to his wanting the divorce and that all the stuff he says is wrong with our marriage is correct? That would be a 180 since I hate that he continually blames me! Feel like I have to defend myself. I'll do this...agree with what he says and end the conversation quickly. Most times he doesn't want to talk at all to me about anything.
Quote: Is there a way to have these conversations without the R talks? Maybe he is feeling a lot of pressure from this type of conversation??
Yes, I get frustrated and push his buttons on the R...wanting to know what he's going to do, when is he seeing the counselor, etc. I'll just stop all R talk but that is SO hard! Yes he sees these R talks as demanding!
Quote: My H also goes back and forth. Wants to keep me close, yet have all the freedom. Confusion and guilt are on high on the list. So I go with the flow.
How do I go with the flow? I feel as though there are other women when he doesn't call me or want to do things with me! Do I just be available when he wants me?
Quote: I have started thinking about it this way. While I DO NOT want to be D, I DO NOT want the old relationship back. So I am putting it to rest. And if that means it will take a D for closure of that R to lay the groundwork for a new and improved R, so be it.
So did you file for the D and are letting it go through? I've got to decide something this week and for the life of me don't know if I can keep going at this with him. I'm like you in that I don't want a D but don't want the old R back! He continues to act the same and keeps insisting that I change by not expecting so much change so quickly. But it has been a year, and he continues to do nothing consistently. He does some stuff but it's like once a month or when he's drunk. I've actually been waiting 7 years for more affection but he only sees that in the past year I have not changed. Arrgh!!! I'm just not getting through no matter what I do...if I remain silent he calls and then 2 weeks later it's off for some dumb stuff I did (like not leave messages on his answering machine) or if I continually call him and ask him out he runs or fights with me or sleeps with me then says don't touch me! I'm damned if don't and damned if I do!
I'm just not getting through no matter what I do...if I remain silent he calls and then 2 weeks later it's off for some dumb stuff I did (like not leave messages on his answering machine) or if I continually call him and ask him out he runs or fights with me or sleeps with me then says don't touch me! I'm damned if don't and damned if I do!