Has your W ever mentioned the sudden lack of libido to the doctor? While not necessarily a side effect of the medication, lack of sex drive *is* a symptom of hypothyroidism.
I was wondering, and I can't find your answer anywhere in your posts, if your wife was aware of the fact that your sex frequency has considerably changed, and that you find this to be a problem? If yes, have you asked her if she is willing to explore ways with you to change that?
I would be willing to cut our ORIGNIAL sex life in half, from everyday to 3 times a week. However, it currently is once a month (She being the typical LD spouse way over estimates how much sex we have, cause I actually record it when we do). So for her to get to a level that is a 50% reduction from what I actually want is about 10 times more then she is currently doing. THAT IS A LONG WAY FOR HER TO GO! And quantity does not mean quality sex. Quality sex can only be acheived when BOTH partners DESIRE the sex. I do not want sympathy sex, I want TRUE PASSION. The irony of LD/HD marriages is the one partner that does not want to be desired IS DESIRED, while the partner that YEARNS to be desired GETS NOTHING.
Okay, work with me here, buddy. I'm not trying to put you on the defensive, I'm actually trying to help you.
You didn't answer my question, at least not in my opinion. So let me ask again.
Is your wife aware of the fact that your sex life has considerably changed. I'm not asking if you are satisfied with quantity or quality, or if she is satisfied with quantity or quality. I'm just asking you if your wife is willing to agree that your sex life has radically changed from what it once was.
Answer yes or no.
If the answer is yes, does she acknowledge that you find it unsatisfactory (not with the particulars, just answer the basic question).
Answer yes or no.
Have you asked her if she is willing to explore ways with you to change that?
Answer yes or no.
There is a purpose for me asking these questions and I am willing to explain if you can be patient with me for a bit.
Now. Can you list out for me the things you do to help out around with house -- things you do on a daily basis that if you didn't do, she would feel she had to do -- and how you help out with the kids. Again, I'm not looking to put you on the defensive. I'm just looking for simple answers.
Everday I do _________________. Make a list for me. Again, there is a reason for my asking, and I need you to help me out here, k?
Yes, I have told my wife many times that our sex lives have changed dramatically.
Yes, I have told her our sex life is VERY unsatisfactory.
We have not explored ways to change that other then "She will try to do better". Yea, that really works well.
We are an extremely busy couple with 3 boys. I try to help as much as possible. I go to work at 6:30AM so I can pick up all 3 boys at 3 different schools each day. This also allows my wife to coach a sport at her school. I vacumn, dust, do grocery shopping, clean our pool, fix things around the house. I also take the boys to soccer and football several nights each week. I offer to clean toilets, and even do the laundry. In many cases though, she refuses my help, and I think it is because she thinks she might OWE me. She basically is the mother of my boys, NOT my lover!
Also, she thinks she IS addressing the problem. SHe has told me on several occasions that sex is just not a big deal to her and does not really care if she ever has it again. However, she is willing to honor the marraige commitment and have sex on occasion. She has fallen into the "Willingness Trap". Ask a women if she would like to spend a saturday shopping with her girlfriends who "Desire" to shop or if she would rather go shopping with her husband who is "Willing" to shop and it's a no brainer. "Desire" is far better the "Willingness". I am willing to do ANYTHING for my wife if it will restore Desire, but right now I am not opptimistic at all!
I'm not asking you if YOU HAVE TOLD YOUR WIFE your sex life has changed dramatically.
I asked you if your WIFE ACKNOWLEDGES that your sex life has changed dramatically.
I did not ask you if YOU TOLD YOUR WIFE that YOU find your sex life unsatisfactory.
I asked if SHE ACKNOWLEDGES that you find it unsatisfactory.
And third, I asked you if you have ASKED her if she is willing to explore ways with you to change that?
Have you asked her or not. Period.
Thank you for the low down on your household division of labor. That is very helpful, and I will get back to it when we get these other questions answered.
Do you understand how you are not answering my questions? I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but if I'm not being clear, I need to know.
... both are problems. However, I have asked her to address the sex problem, but I would say I have NOT asked her to explore ways with me to solve the issue.
I just want to interject a note here that Corri really knows what she's talking about and has helped many here on the boards. It may sound like she's jerking your chain, but she isn't.
Quote: I have asked her to address the sex problem
In her mind, this translates to:
"I have a problem, and YOU need to fix it." If someone were to walk up to you and say the same thing, what do you think your first response might be? I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be jumping up and down saying, "oh boy, oh boy, I get to fix YOUR problem. Where's the bandwagon?"
Quote: I have NOT asked her to explore ways with me to solve the issue.
So the same person in the example above walks up to you and says, "I'm having this problem and I'm wondering if you'd be willing to help me with it." Do you think your willingness to at least listen to the person with an open mind would be a tad bit different?
Do you see the difference in the two approaches?
In one of your posts, you said:
Quote: I am willing to do ANYTHING for my wife if it will restore Desire
Well, no offense, but I think you are doing far more to damage your wife's desire level than you realize. I'm not in your house, so I can only respond based upon things you've said here, but it seems to me you are so frustrated that you are coming off in a very authoritative manner. Almost like you are operating in a parent/child relationship rather than approaching her as the adult and partner she actually is. You are setting up a classic power struggle, and if you continue in this vein, she is going to be rebel. (She already is).
I know that you think you are being very clear in communicating with her, but based upon her responses to you, the two of you are about as far from clear as you can get. So you can continue in the same vein if you wish, and my bet is you aren't going to get very far with her, or you can attack this problem in a completely different manner, and it's going to take a lot of patience and learning on your part to do so.
No, that isn't fair. It sucks and why the hell should you have to be the one to always change? I can hear it in your mind, and I don't blame you. But.
Do you want to be right, or do you want to solve the problem?
This is what I think could be a first step for you, if you are willing to try it.
Are you able to acknowledge that the anger and frustration you are feeling isn't really anger and frustration at all, but a very, very deep hurt that you are masking? If so, can you set aside your anger and frustration and go some place by yourself to have a good, long cry so that your hurt can be acknowledged and expressed? I think if you can do this, you at the very least aren't going to feel like a pressure cooker waiting to explode any minute.
If you don't think that's necessary or something you are comfortable with, can you go to a gym and beat the sh!t out of a punching bag for a few hours to get all those emotions cleaned out of your system?
As someone who has walked in your wife's shoes, I can tell you, until you can get rid of the anger, you aren't going to make much progress. She will continually stay on the defensive until she sees it is well and truly gone. Until that time, I don't care what you say, it just isn't going to sink in.
With me so far?
Corri
P.S. Minus the sex problem you're having, do you like your wife? Do you enjoy being around her, talking with her, doing things together? I mean, if you could solve the sex issue, do you think you'd have as close to a perfect marriage as you could ever hope for?
You have some good points here. One I will not vent any anger towards my wife, I will not complain about the little sex we do have, and I will try to be a happier person. I will redirect my anger and use that in prayer to help for guidance.
Should I express my desire to change myself to her, and if so, how without looking stupid or doing something that might push her farther away. Sometimes I think that by trying to change how I relate to her, she gets even more distant as she does not want to face the possibility of change of her own, like she might "OWE" me in exchange for me doing things for her.
As for liking my wife, it has steadly gotten harder and harder. I thought I loved my wife completely, but now I find myself looking at other women as if I am lining up potential replacements, and this really bother me. I guess that maybe I have fear of all the HARD work that this is going to take, and that it will probably take years worth of effort, and all of this on things that are my WEAKEST points, like sharing feelings, romance, and conversation. In fact, I am so bad at these things that when I have attempted to be romantic before, my wife tells me not to hurt myself cause I am so bad at these things. Worse yet is how to be sincere about these things, so I am not doing these things to just get sex. I am reading Divorce Busters right now. Any other books I should read on how to figure out my wifes needs, and how to win back her deepest love? How to be the man every women wants? How to be romantic? Obviously, I have been failing at these.
