My W has told me SINCE dropping the bomb that she was lonely also. Only she NEVER told me! When she filed the D, it really got my attention! Now I will make a good husband for a stranger!!!!!!!!!
tony,
that's a big bunch of bs and you know it. she did tell you, had been telling you for years..you just didn't give it much credit...until she stood up and screamed it at you with wanting a d.
We slept together every night for 30 years, and were VERY physical! In my IDIOT mind, how does that = lonely??????? Heck, SHE was the one that never wanted to do anything with me, but I was happy because of the sex. How the hell was I supposed to know she needed "words"??????
We slept together every night for 30 years, and were VERY physical! In my IDIOT mind, how does that = lonely??????? Heck, SHE was the one that never wanted to do anything with me, but I was happy because of the sex. How the hell was I supposed to know she needed "words"??????
tony,
you say that she expressed to you many times over the years that she was going to leave you and you never took it seriously. Does that not say anything?
tony you could easily go find someone to have sex with every night of the week...would that really be enough for you? would you be happy? is that all you wanted from your w? is that all you needed from your w? I'd hope it was just a part of it. On some level I believe you knew that, you just didn't know what else to do..same as my h knows I want more physical intimacy but instead of giving me that he clears the table after dinner...sure it's great and I appreciate it and try to get the message but it would be so much better if instead he put his arms around me while I did the dishes.
LL, she was a great wife, no doubt! You're right, I just didn't know!!!! I KNOW NOW, but it's too late. She sounded like the boy that cried wolf, but NEVER told me she was LONELY!!!!!!!!!!!
She did tell you something was missing, you just didn't bother to figure out what it was. Sure you can say..."but she should have told me" and any waw can say "why should she have to tell you? shouldn't you know how to love her..and if she has to tell you then maybe you just don't love her"
it really all is ridiculous if ya asked me...
maybe if I knew some of the things I know now..h wouldn't have had an a and left...
but then again I did already know some of the things I know now and it happend...all that's changed is I've tried to stop letting it bother me that my needs aren't always being met.
who the heck knows tony all I know is that in my case I was the one crying wolf and wanting things to get better only I didn't leave for someone else h did.
Sorry to hijack your thread old buddy, but LL and I have been going at it for quite a while, although in reality we are supporting each other.
There are plenty of books, but as you can see by the frustrated DB'ers on this BB, not many solutions! Move out, file for D, then tell her what it would take for you to come home. If she doesn't go for it, be prepared to support her and the kids for the rest of your life, then good luck trying to find someone that wants sex all the time. If you do, find out if she has a sister for me!
Ask your W if she wants an "open" marriage, that you are interested in having sex with hookers, or finding someone that enjoys sex. If she agrees, go for it! But warn her, that someone might just steal your heart, and you will be gone!
LL, you are right, the whole thing is ridiculous! Nothing makes any sense! When do we get our reward???? In Heaven????
Actually LL, I do understand but from a different perspective. A need is a need and it's very frustrating when it is not being met no matter what it is.
I do understand what it is like to be sitting in a room with your spouse and yet feeling very alone. For me, it was a lack of emotional intimacy that made me feel lonely. I could have had about as much companionship if you painted a face on a rock and sat it in the recliner. We had physical intimacy but lacked the emotional connection which is important to me. I don't think my x even knew I existed outside of bed-it was disappointing when I wanted so much more. Disappointing when I wanted to be recognized and appreciated as a woman with her own mind, likes, and dislikes. Even some nonsexual physical intimacy would have been nice-holding hands, hugging, etc but that was always interpreted as SEX. As a result, the physical intimacy eventually died because I felt resentful and basically--USED. I also suffered from clinical depression from living in a situation where my needs were not getting met--and that killed any desire I had left. Most women would have left and sometimes I question why I stayed so long.
Do you know what it's like to have sex but NOT spend the day laughing and sharing moments with your spouse because there is no emotional connection? It's not much fun either. If it was just physical intimacy that I wanted and needed, I probably could've been just as satisfied with my vibrator because it had just about as much personality as my x.
My point to Cemar was that he should either decide if he wants to work on it, or he wants out. One thing is for sure, if things keep on the way they are going, I can just about predict the outcome. The reason that I think he should be the one to change is because he is the one that recognizes the severity of the problem. His wife may be clueless and really not aware of his distress. I'm betting that if he, as Tony said, told his wife that he was thinking about hookers or finding someone who really enjoys sex, it would either wake her up and spurn her into action or make her realize that the R is over. It's not a case that one person's need in the R is more important than the others-they are both important just in different ways.
I'm a little different from most here. I don't believe that all marriages can or even should be saved. But I do believe that one should not take the route of divorce before trying EVERYTHING to fix it-therapy, overturning every stone looking for a solution first. Some differences truly are just too insurmountable but I think what is lacking in most cases is the patience and commitment to hang in there and work on it. Most people just fall down before the wind blows and give up without really exhausting all possibilities. I don't think anyone should ever stifle a need but they should get it out there and talk about it. In other words, sometimes rocking the boat is necessary-otherwise, it gets swept under the carpet until it blows, then there is no going back.
Don't mean to offend anyone-just offering a different point of view.
Quote: Don't mean to offend anyone-just offering a different point of view.
don't get me wrong dulcie,
You certainly didn't offend me at all. I do know what it's like to not spend the day laughing and enjoying the company of your spouse but simply having sex. but I also know what it's like to spend a pleasurable day with my spouse without the physical pleasure I'd like to come along with it.
sometimes getting an issue out in the open (especially the topic of physical intimacy) does little to change it..so then how would you suggest a person who wishes to have both an emotinal and physical r with someone who doesn't seem to know how too, change themselves to make those things present in the r while the lacking spouse coils from it?
Quote: I do understand what it is like to be sitting in a room with your spouse and yet feeling very alone. For me, it was a lack of emotional intimacy that made me feel lonely. I could have had about as much companionship if you painted a face on a rock and sat it in the recliner. We had physical intimacy but lacked the emotional connection which is important to me. I don't think my x even knew I existed outside of bed-it was disappointing when I wanted so much more. Disappointing when I wanted to be recognized and appreciated as a woman with her own mind, likes, and dislikes. Even some nonsexual physical intimacy would have been nice-holding hands, hugging, etc but that was always interpreted as SEX. As a result, the physical intimacy eventually died because I felt resentful and basically--USED. I also suffered from clinical depression from living in a situation where my needs were not getting met--and that killed any desire I had left. Most women would have left and sometimes I question why I stayed so long.
ok here's why I sound the way I do...take all of what you say in this paragraph but leave out the sex or at least minimize it to once a month.
thing is I figure he should at least desire me physically even if he doensn't always want to spend qt with me...or if his idea of qt with me is falling asleep on the couch while watching cnn or fox news or sports.
a bit discoraging NO?
just like you I wonder why I've stayed especially since he did spend time with a woman, did talk with her, go out to lunch with her. Sure I don't know what those conversations were like but it's the point that it's there. He claims not to have been physical with her but that really doesn't matter cause he wasn't being physical with me either so she was getting more than me in his time awake and alert.
I don't know...starting to think I made a mistake...why did I want him to come home?
for the kids? for me? did I really miss him or did I just not want to be in this big house alone with the kids and have to consider the possibility of step parents and split holidays and all that garbage?
I honestly don't know the answers to those questions anymore.
LL: This describes me and my wife perfectly. There is nothing more lonely then to be in the same bed with someone who does not like to touch you. What really sucks is that some of the cures that are listed by the experts are to do more non-sexual touching, but of course many LD people don't want ANY contact.
