I know that this problem occurs to both men and women. It just seems that even though the results are tragic in both situations, that the repair that is needed is different depending on which sex is the HD spouse. For us men that are HD, the repair instructions are this: "FIX EVERY POSSIBLE NON-SEXUAL PROBLEM YOU CAN THINK OF IN THE MARRIAGE, and then MAYBE you might see SOME improvement in the marriage." I am not sure what the repair option is for when the WOMEN is the HD spouse, but it is probably different then for us guys.
Quote: but then again I could just accept that in time the passion dies from all r's anyway
DO NOT EVER BELIEVE THIS LOAD OF CR#P. This is something that LD spouses really want us to believe. My wife has tried to pull this on me, cause all the older women in her circle of friends say this too! This is not true at all, there are HD women out there, even in older age. If you read the "Love Languages" book they talk about how the "IN LOVE" experience dies after 2 years. This has NOTHING to do with passion, the "In Love" esperience is the ability to ignore all the faults of your spouse, it does NOT refer to passion.
Do a search on "Great Marriages" or "Great Marriage Tips" on the internet. You might be surprised at what you find. I went to some of the websites that describe great marriages or tips, and that one fact is they say that one very obvious trait of great mariages is that these couples REMAIN lovers for their entire marriages, that they have GREAT, FREQUENT, sex. That Sex is almost NEVER an issue in great marriages. So anyone that tells you that Sex dies, or that it is not important to a great marriage, They are smokin some mighty fine stuff.
Good luck to all of us HD spouses, we are goning to need it!
You can close your eyes, stick your head in the sand, try to explain it, justify it but one thing is for certain, unless you change your attitude about it, NOTHING will change. You both will continue on the same path until the relationship becomes polarized and then it will be over. Is that what you want? I believe you will continue to feel resentment and bitterness unless the tide turns. It's already on shakey grounds, wouldn't you agree? But keep going on the path you are on and it will crumble. Who is going to turn the tide?
You have some tough decisions ahead of you. Do you love her and want the relationship to continue or are you looking for a way out? Your previous comment about preparing yourself for your "next wife" suggests that you are not fully committed to working on the issues. It's all or nothing, it's impossible to claim that you are working to save the relationship if you are already thinking about a "next wife." Decide if you are working to save the marriage because you value it or if it is no longer worth saving to you and then follow accordingly. Furthermore, should you find a "next wife", what makes you think that these same issues will not emerge with another? It's not so simple. Sex drive is not static-many things in life influence desire, included but not limited to: stress, medications, age, hormones, and the overall health of the relationship. It's only PART of the relationship, not THE relationship and sort of a barometer of the state of the union. Sex problems are rarely just about sex. You can find someone with a drive similar to yours for a while but you won't have the basis for anything lasting.
Since you are the one that recognizes the severity of the problem, have you communicated the seriousness of it to her in a way that she understands? Have you suggested counseling/therapy to deal with the issues in your marriage?
Are you grateful for what you do have with her or just focusing on what is lacking? I do sympathize with you, I really do but try being a former hot tamale who is now divorced and behaving and not getting ANY. Believe me, once a month would look pretty darn good right now. Now divorced, theoretically speaking-I have all the opportunities to "play the field" but it's not the lifestyle that I choose to lead.
Statistics show that divorced people "get it" even less than married people. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Instead of looking for burning bushes here, take action-"fix" yourself first, and then concentrate on the relationship-communicate, therapy, whatever it takes to work through this difficult time.
I don't think you fully understand the plight of the hd spouse. As far as we see it there is an issue in the r..the lack of physical intimacy sends us that message..however for the ld spouse all is well as long as we are not complaining about the lack of physical intimacy and are happy with what we do get.
I understand that the grass isn't greener on the other side..meaning that if you leave because of lack of physical intimacy doesn't mean you are going to get more physical intimacy with others..however it does mean that you will no longer have to deal with the constant feelings of rejection from your spouse.
do you know what it's like to feel alone when there is someone else sitting in the room with you?
do you know what it's like to have a wonderful day with your spouse where you're laughing and sharing moments together but feel an aching becuase there is no physical intimacy?
do you know what it's like to want to wrap your arms around your spouse but feel you can't becuase it wont be well received?
do you know what it's like to spend the day with your spouse and wish to have their arms around you but they prefer to keep their own physical space?
Why is it that the hd spouse should look to see and appreciate the ways in which a ld parnter expresses their love and learn to speak in that language so that the ld feels loved and appreciated all the while stifling their own native tounge of physical touch just so as not to shake the boat and cause a rif in the r?
Do you realize what it is like not to have ANYONE to do those things with!
yes tony I do! but would you rather not have anyone to do those things with or have someone who doesn't want to do things with you?
Put it this way..if you are with someone who doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything (including being physical) with you..you feel alone, more alone than if no one was there becuase if no one was there you could go anywhere and do anything with anyone you choose and wouldn't have to consider how it would effect the person who doesn't seem to be bothered with considering how what they do makes you feel.
I think you just described most of the LBS's on this board. No wonder we got dumped! Are you going to be the next WAW ??????????
I'm not always talking specifically about myself when I post tony.
I have however at different points in my m made the same statement many waw's do...
I'd rather be alone and lonely than with someone and lonely.
I didn't realize how silly that statement sounds until I heard h's ow say the very same words to me of herself.
So I do my best to look for the little things that h does do...they are there...but eventually will they fade? will they grow to something more? will they always be enough? or will I always be wanting just a little more?
I don't intend to become a waw...I do however intend for my m to improve. H may think things are fine the way they are but I know both of us would be alot happier with a bit more.
"I know both of us would be alot happier with a bit more."
LL,
I think that statement would be true in ALL marriages. The tough part is how to let the other spouse know your feelings without bitching, complaining, or filing for D ????????
I do my best not to "bitch" and "complain" to h. I'm not filing for d..not even thinking about it. I've expressed to h in many different ways how I feel...he is well aware of it...but "that's just the way he is"...
My W has told me SINCE dropping the bomb that she was lonely also. Only she NEVER told me! When she filed the D, it really got my attention! Now I will make a good husband for a stranger!!!!!!!!!
