I am interested in finding a good book that is written specifically for HD men that wish to win their wives back and then bring their wives up to the level of "Lovers", and all of this without the help of the women. I don't want generic books that include to many other type of relationship problems.
Okay - you may think this is a "general" book but it definitely applies to your sitch - try The Five Love Languages by Chapman. If you can learn to speak your wife's "love languages", and make her feel truly beloved, it can only help to make her more receptive to you.
I have to agree. Five Love Languages is an excellent book. If you want your wife to be more responsive, try being more romantic. Speak her language. Good luck to you.
I completely disagree. Once again, if men can only change. Let's see: we have become more sensitive, communicating, less sporting, more houseworking, diaper changing, and softer. Women have become less loving, less sexual, less romantic....
Let's see: Men have become wimps, Women have stopped responding to what men want. Solution:? Men change more....
Have faith. You'll get back only what you give! But it has to be consistent and it has to be for the long term.
The bible says a man should love his wife as his own body. With that in mind, go and do for your wife as you would want done for you. Be loving, kind, romantic, etc. You got lots to win!
Want I want done to me is lots of intimacy, sex, touch, etc.., ANYTHING that has to do with touching. The problem is that is the OPPOSITE of what my wife wants. So I CAN NOT do to her body what I want done to mine. In fact, I have to learn to do things for my wife, that I COULD REALLY CARE LESS ABOUT. Literally, in my situation, I must learn to do all the things that make me uncomfortable, and my wife must learn to be my lover again, which if you are a ND person, must be EXTREMELY hard to do.
May I suggest that you focus on changing yourself first instead of changing her? You can't change her, you can only change yourself. There are things that you can do that my HELP her change but ultimately, it is up to her.
I would guess that the reason that you are resistant to doing things for your wife that you could really care less about is because your needs aren't getting met. If your needs were getting met, then you'd probably be more willing to do things for her, right?
Can you see how she might be feeling the same about you because her needs aren't being met either? It's a dynamic that will become polarized unless one of you is willing to take that first step to bridge that gap and pull together instead of pulling apart.
Since you are the one who is aware of the problem, you should be taking action to correct it instead of just complaining about it and trying to find ways to change her. Try changing yourself and see what happens.
Sorry to be harsh but I hate to see you keep going round and round on the same merry-go-round and never getting off.
Don't know your situation but I detect more than a hint of cynicism in your post. I would guess that you are hurting.
I read in you profile that
Quote: Now with the greatest lady, except she has no interest in sex. Which means she has no interest in me.
I'd be willing to guess that your detuctive reasoning is faulty. Just because she is not interested is sex right now does not mean that she is not interested in you. She wasn't always that way, was she? There are many factors that influence desire. Health, medications, stress, etc.
Today's women have more responsibilities than ever. The world and media send us messages everyday that tell us it is not enough to just be a wife anymore. We must have careers, husbands, kids, a dazzling social life, and to top it off, we must look like we just stepped off the pages of Playboy. For most of us, it's just unrealistic. If we do manage to pull it off, we're exhausted at the end of the day. Too tired to enjoy any of what we have been given.
That is why we would like help with diapers and housework. A little understanding and compassion for all we do would be appreciated.
Please don't automatically assume that no sex=no interest. I'm willing to bet that that is not the case.
I got that from SSD, and you know what, that is exactly the way I feel and I bet hillockjohn is similar. My love language is "Physical Touch", therefore all forms of love for me must come in a physical form, other forms of love that my wife might give will be appreciated, but they will never be seen as love to me. So when a woman says they love you, but just are not sexually attracted to you, that is a concept that is pretty much impossible for me to understand. I know that if I stop desiring sex with my wife, that will be because I don't love her.
Now about the help around the house, I give my wife an icredible amount of help. I am trying to find even more ways to help. But from what I have been reading on these boards, and I think hillockjohn is probably also seeing, is that many men have come before us and have become 150% more man to the wives then ever before, and yet the results are usually, let's say, minimal. It's like we men have to become SUPER relational guys while our wives reward us with only toekn improvement. I would give just about anything to see a man come on here and give us a wonderful post about how he employed all of thes DB techniques and restored true desire in his 45 year old wife that actually compares to the desire she had 20 years earlier. I wish Michelle would create board just for successful turn arounds of LD women.
After reading tons of books, including SSM, I am coming to the conclusion that none of the relational experts has a true fix for a ND women. Michele says many times in her book, that us guys need to remember that WE HAVE the TESTOSTERONE. This is her way of telling us ever so slightly, that we really should not expect great desire, its just not going to happen. Heck, Dr. Smalley has about 20 pages devoted to restoring desire, and yet at the end, tells the women in the thread that the husband will have to initiate ALWAYS, as he has the testosterone. Even Michele has a 10 solutions for low desire, and guess what solution 10 is, "Kiss your sex life goodbye and try to accept your fridgid spouse and try to find something in your marriage that can make it tolerable." My guess is that the men on these boards that are trying to follow those 10 solutions, that most of them actually get to solution 10 with little results.
Even though I have said all these thngs, I will still be folowing these techniques. I really believe that they will help me. My goal is to make me into a relation kind of guy that all women would ie for. In effect, I will be preparing myself for my NEXT wife.
P.S. if anyone can find some example of success with a ND wife, PLEASE LINK IT. I need all the encouragement I can get.
there are plenty of attractive viable women out here who are for what ever reason "stuck" with a ld h.
now I've also gotten the ole love language advice...
know what it does for me?
makes me bitter...
cause I know that though h also understands the "love language" concept..he will always have a knack for waiting til the bank is almost empty before bothering to make a deposit...eventually the bank may just close out his account...but then again I could just accept that in time the passion dies from all r's anyway..cut my losses and try to find something to keep me going. oh yeah and hope that I never meet someone who distracts me from the lonliness of a vertually ssm.
