Blackrook-maybe I should jump in for just a bit and reinforce what jiji has said. Part of my situ has similarities. From experience---your letter appears to be great overall, just maybe too much for her to handle at one time at this stage. I would suggest that you might put it away some place special and reread it frequently to remind yourself of the course you would like your relationship to take. This may be the glue that will help hold you yourself togather when things don't go quite according to plan. I would agree that trying one thing at a time (ie-a date) and see how it goes would be a great starting point. Maybe by the time about half the things in your letter are already in place would be a good time to reconsider sharing it with her in its entirety. Harv
Thanks MDH. I will put this away. Or at least on my hard drive. I'll just have to hope for the chance to try and date. As earlier mentioned, our R started down hill shortly after she took that damnable second job. I don't blame her. Or at least I don't hold a grudge over it anymore. If she didn't take a 2nd job, it would have been me and the results would have been the same. She's pulling for the team.
With hardly seeing each other, it will be hard to squeeze in a date. But I'll have to do my best. I would like to ask her to shoot pool and have a couple beer with me and my cousin. She likes him. Maybe she'll go. I would actually like to go out tonight(except I'm broke and don't have my honey to go out with). Well I'll study on a new path to take.
Jiji. I have other letters I've written over the past several weeks. Each letter brings tears to my eyes. I may post a portion of one just to get my feeling out there. My Angel isn't to the point where she wants to hear about MY feelings and regrets. I'm sure she's open to hearing how much I care for her. So I'll do that for now. Last Sunday showed me she can be reached and that's good.
I'm going to work on the suggestions HP made as well. She sees me staring at her legs and such. Maybe she'll let me touch her soon. Blackrook is kind of blue. His honey is at work and BR is bored. Hopefully something will turn up. Like free beer at the pub.
I just have to vent. I was just stewing on it over a cigar and a little Woodford Reserve and I don't like it.
Earlier today, I spoke to my W's brother or my BIL. He called to complain about family stuff. I just listened and offered my opinion. He followed with "you know J----- I know I can talk to you, you're level headed calm and have a sense about you." I already knew the answer but I asked anyway. I asked him why do you think I'm cheating on your sister and why will you look down on me in the future? He wanted to know where I got that. I told him A----- said this a few weeks ago when this stuff started. I told him she said her "people" think this as well. Well I talked to her sister for nearly two hours which is frowned upon and I know she's in BR's corner as are her folks.
What I'm angry about is the lies. I know the "don't believe anything they say...." but for awhile, I did believe people I thought believed in me thought I was crap. One by one, I'm bumping into people who say the opposite of what the W said. Her best friend told me contrary to saying I'm cheating, she tried to convince her otherwise. I'm also finding out others who she claims said bad stuff about me didn't.
In a way, that's good, I think. That means she's trying to justify something she find abhorent in her mind. I hear her snoring outside my office right now. I wish she was in our bed snoring as much as I hated that noise. I guess I'll go back outside and finish my stogie and drink plan my menu for the week and retire. I'll leave my anger outside and on this board.
I had to vent and think.
p.s. I try to make Sunday dinners based on where Nascar is running. Usually I can come up with something. Lowes motor speedway, pulled pork. Homestead, seafood with key lime pie for desert. I don't have a clue what the signature cuisine for Phoenix is. Any ideas????
Quote: I would like to ask her to shoot pool and have a couple beer with me and my cousin. She likes him. Maybe she'll go.
Yes I think that sounds like just the thing. If you ask her when she is in a good mood I am pretty sure she would agree. I know there's not much time available but it sounds like the sort of outing you could squeeze in somewhere. Also it's nice and casual, no pressure. Even if she said no the first time theres no reason you couldn't repeat the invitation later when your R is a little better. At first this could happen but it may not be a disaster, I think that she may just like the fact that you thought of her and wanted her to be there, even if she is not quite ready to go along.
As for the other stuff put all that behind you and move on!! It is easy to understand why she might lie under pressure. In future don't let things go that way.
I have been thinking that what you might do is to make a commitment to take care of your health better in future. Don't let yourself get depressed again. Don't brush it under the carpet, and don't underestimate the effect this illness had on you both. Ask yourself how you would behave towards your W if your desire levels did fall off again for some reason. How would you keep the intimacy in your M. One day you may discuss it with her, so how would you explain to her that she does not have to worry about these things in future.
Another good thing to do might be to look for ways to make your own life better and more fulfilling. You don't want to be sitting around feeling bored too often. Get yourself a life. Then when your W is back with you again you will have something to share with her.
Thanks Jiji. We'll see what happens. I have a little 'tude with the little lady today for a couple reason. One perceived the other real. The perceived reason: we have a guy who lives down from us. He's disabled due to a back injury. He's on meds for that and something that's going wrong in his head. Earlier this summer, his wife thought he was suicidal. She of course called the police who took him out and to the hospital. She stuck by him and has through thick and thin. This morning, I was awaken by an explosion or at leat what I thought was one. Well this guy was banging on the neighbor's door saying his house was full of gas. No gas, he's just not taking his meds again. But there she is, his wife honoring her vows to him, in sickness and health, better or worse. I don't know what goes on inside their home, but from the outside, I see a woman who is standing by her guy who is major sick. I have a W who doesn't seem to want to do this. Of course, my attitude may change in the next hour. The second reason is I notice she has spent a portion of the mortgage money I put in her account. For what, I don't know. This will be a repeat of the first quarter when she didn't have her end of the mortgage for whatever reason. The next several months to make up for at least 2 of these occasions, my out of pocket per month increased by $600.00. Of course, my anger increaed too. She then takes a trip to the Bahamas with a girlfriend. She claims the trip was free.
I'm holding this mess in and may go to the shooting range later to get it out. But I had to vent and this is a good place to do it.
Her and the kids are leaving again to go to a kid's bday party. She wanted to know if I was going to cook today. I usually make 2 big things that will stetch the week. Well, I no house cook. I'm going out to do something myself. I shouldn't be this way but I am. Why would she think I would want to stay home by myself and cook for people who aren't here. Deep breath.
To make things worse, she talked to the BIL and is now upset because she wasn't invited to a baptism today. Now, she's on the phone mad as my SIL. Her family stuff always creates blow back for me.
This is good advice. THIS is what I was trying to say to you, Blackie, when I asked you to outline what sort of person you were going to be in the future. I agree with the others to not give her that letter just yet.
But I wanted to encourage you to have a plan of action, instead of some vague goals to "have a better sex life", cause what does that really mean, you know!
It sounds like you came up with some good solid ideas on how things are going to be different and this is a very positive direction to take. This way, if she ever wants to talk about your R and why she should trust you, you will have an answer at the ready. You will have already thought thru how you are changing (and have changed) and she will be impressed with your thoughtfulness and willingness to tackle this problem.
As far as the other stuff...well, I can see how it would get your PMA down but try not to read more into it than what is there. All of us, whether happily married or not, sometimes will stretch the truth to make our side of the story look better. Don't dwell on that too much. Keep the marital problems between you and your wife. I don't see how involving other people can have any positive effects.
I also agree with the "getting a life" part. It will be easier for you to keep up your PMA if you really ARE happier and more fulfilled, as an individual. And, speaking as a woman, there is nothing sexier than a guy who is happy and confident and full of life.
Quote: I also agree with the "getting a life" part. It will be easier for you to keep up your PMA if you really ARE happier and more fulfilled, as an individual. And, speaking as a woman, there is nothing sexier than a guy who is happy and confident and full of life.
Hi I think I may have been a little rude when I said this. I didn't mean to imply you have no life!! But honey puts it better.
That stuff about the money is a little worrying. Some people are really bad with money. A free trip to the Bahamas?? Hmm..... Some of your probs started over money worries didn't they. You will need to do some thinking over this. You need to get it sorted out. But certainly don't start any fights. Hey where is Corri when we need her?? She is good on these tricky little problems.
Ps I work as a cook and if there is one piece of advice I am definately qualified to give it is do not make 2 big things that will stretch the week!!! Make and freeze or make quick simple things like pasta. Even buy prepackaged things and tart them up. But if you can make Key Lime Pie you must be a great cook when you put your mind to it. So c'mon get that pinny on!
No insult taken Jiji. I did just that today. I went for a couple brews, watched a little football and had a good time. I won't stay at home by myself unless I want to. I reckon what you guys are saying is true. The kids have noticed a change in that I do something other than work and come home.
As far as that Bahama trip is concerned, she came to me last December and asked if I cared if she went with her friend. She claims her friend paid for a trip for two and someone backed out. She claims the friend didn't want things to go to waste and asked her. It was a little funky at the time to me but I agreed. I wanted to be the one to take her to this islands so I was in a funk about that. As she gave me that date she was going, I was gettting worried, I'm no psychic and don't have any spies but in my mind, I knew the Iraq war would start the day she left. I told her I didn't want her out of country when a major strike was going on. She then told me how she's a big girl. I just called some buds down that way and asked them to keep a loose eye on her. No spying or anything. Buy her a drink but don't say who you are. Stuff like that. But now, I'm hearing rumors that she paid full price for that trip. That would explain why she couldn't pay her end of the mortgage in December and January. But enough of that. It makes me mad. I do need to get this money thing squared away, this is a huge part of what's going on here.
I alway cook something big on Sunday and a little something extra so I don't have to do it during the week unless it's in a crock pot. I usually freeze the left over and such. I'm not too bad around a stove. My goal is to work until 56. Get the kids out and start my own rib joint. We'll see how it works out.
I didn't mention but I spoke to my MIL and she was telling me other things the W said were baloney. It was good to hear her say this.
Well folks it's official. I've had a feeling that my wife was cheating. I found thing that look like semen in her panties. Missing hours. For the past few Sundays, she claims she had a Sams Club meeting. I doubted that as she has one on Monday. Tonight, the feeling was overwhelming so I decided to check. I didn't see her car and was leaving. I accidently went to a dark parking lot to see her and another guys car.
I confronted her and asked her was this what it looks like. She finally said she was cheating because I admitted to cheating. I never cheated on her. Yet she said I admitted it. Right now, I don't think we'll make it. It doesn't hurt right now but I'm sure it will. More to follow.
Oh, jeesh, I'm so sorry to hear this. It does confirm the 'transference' thing she's been doing to you. Meaning, if she's convinced herself that you cheated before, then she can engage in a behavior she knows for certain is WRONG. She's found her justification.
Also explains her badmouthing of you to friends and family. She has made you into the 'bad' guy so she doesn't have to feel guilty about her behavior.
You CAN make it through this, and you can still DB, although I'm sure you are so pissed and hurt right now you probably want to throw the darn book through the window.
