Thanks everyone. And forgive me for the long post in advance, but, for me, it's necessary.
So, yes, I believe it is time for me to go. It's a difficult decision (and even difficult to write), but one that I think is necessary. You guys mean the world to me, and I can't express how much I have appreciated the support over the last year. I feel like I know you guys so well...like family. And, although everyone on this BB is equally important with equally difficult situations, I must focus on the few that have inspired and held me up in my darkest times.
It's gonna get sappy, so brace yourself...
But first I think we should have a brief recap...
I'm 34, my W is 33, S 9, and D 5. We've been M 11 years, but were highschool sweethearts (had a 1-year breakup during college times). Recap:
- 1st bomb occurred 10/01 and included the "I love you, but not in love" talk where she told me that she's been unhappy for a long time--with M, being a mom, regrets, etc.
- 2nd bomb was 10/02. Pretty much the same conversation, but she concentrated more on the M being a failure than the children so much. It was after this second incident I found DR.
- 3rd bomb was on 12/28/02. Found out that my W had an EA/PA--from 10/01-9/02. But after this bomb my W has said that she is back to work on our M.
No more bombs followed (just fallout), but after months of dealing with the aftermath of her A, I can finally say that we're really on the right track. I have talked many times about how I want her to "soften" towards me, to remove some of the barriers that prevent her from feeling "those feelings" for me. This, I believe began to happen several weeks ago.
Additionally, my W is doing some serious soul searching, reading lots, talking to me honestly about where her head is, treating others with a great deal of kindness (including me), etc....etc...the list goes on. What can I say? The downside (although necessary) is that now she's beginning to expose herself positively, she's experiencing a lot of pent-up feelings that she's never let surface. She's more emotional, more prone to cry, anxious, but she's doing what she knows she needs to do to get to the bottom of her "junk." This is her process...and she's owning up to it.
She has repeatedly said to me she'd never have an A again, not only because it's wrong, but because she thinks it will kill her (ala stress and anxiety attacks). I do believe she's being honest with me...as well as herself. She's carrying a heavy burden...
So, now for my thank yous...
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Michele Really, I must begin with Michele. Without her books (or this BB), I cannot say that I would have saved my M, nor would I have gotten off my a$$ to change those things about myself that I had grown to despise. She provided focus when I was flailing, and provided encouragement when I had little myself. I have become more relaxed, more forgiving, less judgmental, have grown more peaceful with myself, and have vastly improved my R with my W by truly focusing on and fulfilling her needs. This change within myself has allowed me to forgive my W (not that I don't sometimes get angry and sad).
Thank you, Michele! And thanks for visiting me upon first arriving to the BB. You are an angel...
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Robin Robin, my dear, you will always hold a special place in my heart. You were the first to reach out to me when I came to the BB, and have continued to be there during those difficult times. When I think of you, I think about a cozy home that smells of freshly baked banana bread, cinnamon sticks in tea...with music (perhaps BNL) quietly playing in the background.
Ohh...and you giving your H a good Karate chop across his fool head! ----------
LL What can I say? Fiery, feisty LL-Vila. I have always appreciated your candor, but always felt your words (embedded in 2x4s) were delivered with love.
I just wonder, LL. You have so much love to give (it pervades your posts), but perhaps you expect your H to return the same intensity that you yourself express. I'm not sure that's possible...for your H...or for most men. Harness this passion, LL, and put it to use elsewhere too...like you do here... Do you know what I'm saying?
That's not to say that I think your H isn't "thick"...just a bit slow. However, given your latest posts, it very much seems like he's coming around ever so slowly.
It's all about balance...
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KAW My friend, I really don't know what to say. You have helped me more than I can express. After coming to Piecing, the parallels between what you had gone through and what I was currently experiencing were beyond helpful. I truly wish we lived closer, as I'd like to take you out for a beer (or two), and shoot a little pool.
You are an inspiration. I can only hope to become as patient and understanding as you. Happy belated b-day! I wish you the best of luck, and hope that your W finds it within herself to begin sharing/communicating things with you. She's somewhat of an enigma...
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Shiny You know, you're name is applicable. You do shine through your posts. I never told you this before, but you kind of remind me of my older sister.
In any case, I trust things will continue to progress well with you and your H. Please take care of yourself...and I mean consistent diet and sleep habits. Okay? Ahem... ----------
Sage Ahh...dear Sage. I know Jim (AKA Umbrella) said this to you a couple of times, but I have to concur...you are like my twin. I love the analysis. I will forever treasure how you expose your deepest fears and deal with them head-on. As well, I will ever appreciate how our written dialogs helped expose a few hidden agenda items of my own.
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Bridget Oddly enough, although I don't think I've ever posted to your thread, I have always enjoyed reading your words...on my thread and others. They have been like a breath of fresh air...so poetic...
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Sue I wish you the very best with your H, Sue. I can only imagine how frustrating it is for you to wait and wait. Like I've said before, I think he's a good man, and it doesn't seem like he had a PA with OW. Given this assumption, I do think it takes our Ses longer to come around when they haven't fulfilled those desires, and thus realized that the grass isn't greener. I wish you continued progress.
Perhaps it's time to have that talk???
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Jim (Umbrella) Not sure you're still around, Jim, but know that I'm thinking of you and will always treasure our long telephone conversations. Take care, buddy.
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Owen (Floyd) My deepest apologies for not coming to visit you on your latest thread. Honestly, I thought for sure many many times that you were only a couple of months behind my own progress. I wish you the best of luck, and take care of those boys.
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Will What can I say you goofball? I have always enjoyed your positive outlook and written quips. Take care of yourself.
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JJ JJ, I have always appreciated your visits and your kindness. You have a way of cutting through the BS, turning what I'd say in a long paragraph into a sentence.
Keep up the good work, my friend.
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Soup Although you'll probably never read this, Soup, I am appreciative of how you exposed me to Buddhism. I think I am forever changed because of this...enlightenment... It's all about ego isn't it?
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Don't want to forget to mention BoldBob, PnT, Lisakate, Mycroft, MAL, Stacy, Abby, SBH/SBH-SAM, and many others (forgive me if I haven't specifically mentioned you)...some of which are blasts from the past...
If any of you good friends need to "talk," perhaps not on the BB, but offline, my e-mail address is jethroDBd@yahoo.com. Write anytime. I'll check back here over the next few days or so...and then...
Thanks for warning us...you have me in tears here (I know that's not the first time I've said that to you!) You have done so much for me too - thank you. This has been such a long, painful ride, and I would never have imagined that my closest supports through it all could be people I have never met. I know you know what I mean. I consider you among my best friends.
I just read back through some of your first thread. Wow! It is really neat to look back. I know there is a lot of pain there, but your determination your caring towards your M have been apparent, since the very beginning.
I am glad you want to keep in touch. You have my e-mail address. I will do the same.
thank you so much for the fond farewell! I will miss your posts and your feedback and your questions-- the ones that make me think so much. I LOVE that you feel that it's time for you to leave, though. It appears that you and w are truly "there". May I suggest a visit to "success stories" before you completely depart? I know that others will truly benefit from reading your story.
I wish you and your w. the best of luck. And I offer a sincere congratulations to both of you...for your hard work, your commitment to yourselves and each other and for the success that has resulted. I'm glad that you both found that you were on the same path together.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Jethro, I know I haven't kept up with you much over the past months, but I have a lot of fond memories of my first months here on the bb. And I always came to your thread for inspiration.
We had a blast back then with the old crew. Seems like we have all moved on to better places, and most without saving their M's. That's okay too!
Congratulations for all the success in your M. I hope you will keep in touch with us sometimes, and let us know how you are doing. I wish you all the best in life! Thanks for being a friend to the bb.
P.S. I got your email address, so don't be surprised if you hear from me sometime.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
JK!!! Your salute had me in tears, pal...had me thinking about my own farewell. Not quite there yet, but this Dec will mark a year on the bb for me, wow, what a ride!
jethro..like so many others I consider everyone here family..you included..you have given me such wisdom and confidence to trust what my h has said....the talk is getting closer!!!
I do wish so much for you and your wife... I too have your e-mail, as long as it's ok, I may write.
Jethro, Thank you so very much for the very kind words of gratitude. I appreciate them immensely. I am thrilled that your life/marriage has improved and that you are loving yourself again. This is wonderful. Keep up the great work and enjoy. You deserve it. Michele
Thanks so very much everyone. Such warmth... Ahh, my heart is heavy... You know, though, I'll never say never... That's why my subject title says "for now." Heck, even my W has said that I may want to make an occasional visit (which I probably will).
I do have a feeling some of us may cross paths one day again...not necessarily under such difficult circumstances...but nonetheless...
I wish everyone the best of luck and peace to all.
