The poop hit the fan tonight, kids, and everything I thought I knew I now no longer know. Which leaves me drifting and more perplexed than I was at the height of our madness. It's okay, life always throws us curves, and I'm sure I'll figure this one out, as I am a tenacious B!TCH, if not an intelligent one.
I asked my H tonight why he has stopped initiating sex with me. Wow, what an answer I got. Ready for this?
Since I quit my job in June, he has felt unappreciated, taken advantage of, and not welcome in his own home, especially in the last three weeks. Let's see; we went to a tailgate party three weeks ago, at which I ignored him the whole time we were there. Two Friday nights ago he came home from the worst week of his life at work and I had fixed dinner for everyone but him (though I have to say in my own defense that on that particular Friday, he went out after work with his co-workers for drinks, and didn't know what time he was going to be home, but it wouldn't be late. Doi. What was I thinking). Which was bad enough, but then I didn't even offer to make him something after he informed me that he had not eaten!
In the past three weeks I've turned him down once for sex.
Then there's the dog. I got the dog when he emphatically told me he didn't want one.
The clencher, though, is that I am spending way too much time on these boards, telling you all too much about my life, our details, and then on top of all that, I put my URL address on my profile for a day so that anyone who cared to look would know exactly who I REALLY am... and hence, with a little digging on all your parts, you would be able to discern who HE is!
He feels ignored, jealous and embarassed by my deed, word and action. Now granted, I had to drag all of this out of him because he didn't feel he needed to share this information with me as things never change and he should never expect otherwise.
I'm sure it is crystal clear to all of you what a derranged, out-of-control woman I am.
Well, sheet, and all this time I thought things had been going along pretty good. Thought we had made some significant strides. What the hell was I thinking? So I ask him how he'd like to resolve these issues. Why was his anger so deep? What would he like to see change? He couldn't answer the question. He just again spewed forth. So I let him. I told him I was sorry, I didn't realize I was being inconsiderate of his feelings, and I certainly did not do it intentionally. And then I asked him again how he'd like for me to resolve his concerns.
He said there wasn't anthing I could do, it's just the way things are. It's just the way I am.
Hoops, kids. I don't think our issue is about sex and it never has been. It's about jumping through an endless stream of hoops.
So I've come to say good-bye. I will tap out my web pages by day, and welcome my H home with open arms each night. There will be nothing here by me to cause him any angst in the future. I've got kids to raise and the fight has gone out of the dog. It's a hell of a thing to feel your spirit break.
Though I shall miss you all dearly.
Sooner, you hang in there with your wife. It may take some time and a good counselor or two, but when she gets a new job and your kids get a bit older, she'll come around. It's worth the wait. I promise.
Aching Man, stay cool. Print that list I made for you a few weeks back. Funny movies, a good counselor, and some boundaries, man. You've been in the game too long to quit now.
Cathy47, I leave the torch to you. Burn bright, write tight. There is life after divorce. Match.com, baby HO baby!
Jiji, enjoy the new house, girl. Talk with your H. He'll hear you. Some things just have to be said regardless of how red our faces get. Oh, and yes, my mother's side of the family hailed from England a few generations back. I'm sure they were from Yorkshire.
GraniteRose, stay patient and encouraging. The man is on the brink of taking a trip through his own personal hell for you. That's a lotta love.
Luvhubby, congrats on that baby, woman. Throw up in honor of me a few times.
MPT -- work it, baby, work it!
NOPkins, that monkey ain't dead fella. It might fall asleep from lack of use sometimes, but it ain't dead til it's six feet under.
Patsi, don't go astray. If you feel you are at that point, just end the marriage. The dishonesty and pain an affair can cause is not worth it. Stay in your marriage and work on it, or get out and create a new life for yourself. But making mischief while sitting on the fence will only cause you to fall off and seriously hurt yourself. BJs for everyone!!
Crazy Jim -- stay crazy. Shake 'em every way including loose.
Cloudnine -- I wish you the best. You are at the most difficult crossroad a person can reach, I think. Be still and find your center. Every answer you need in life is there inside yourself. It's just a matter of asking the right question, and then opening your heart to hear the answer. Don't fall off that bike, hear?
And everyone else, I wish you the best. Life is a tough row to hoe. Too much rain or too much sun will spoil the yield. It takes a balance of both rain and sun for the bounty, yes?
I hope you read this. I know we'll all really miss you on the boards. I wish you would reconsider. I can understand your H worrying about his privacy (or that we might all come round and give him a slap for being such a GIT) but you are entitled to have a hobby and some friends. If you changed your user name and did not give out so many details when asking for advice, and spent less time on the boards wouldn't this be enough of a compromise? Don't give it up altogether we will miss your blunt advice.
Corri you have to stand up for yourself more in your M. Give your H some of that Yorkshire Grit. What has he done lately to make YOU feel loved. It's a two way street, isn't it and you're not just his personal housekeeper. As for your job a friend of mine's H started a home computer business a few years ago and it went through the roof and made loads of money. If she hadn't supported him when he started that wouldn't have happened and she would not now have a posh new car and a villa in Spain. She worked 60 hrs a week to help pay the bills but I know she wouldn't have complained if it didn't work out. She wanted him to have a career that made him happy more than anything. But she sure ain't complaining now.
I'm sure your H has some legitimate points. Maybe you should be more thoughtful and you should respect his privacy. But my H is an extremely private man who doesn't even like me telling my Mum (who always sides with him anyway) when we have an argument, and he has been very understanding about me using these boards. You deserve to receive an equal amount of respect and support and understanding as you give out.
So Corri please don't leave us, but if you feel you should then good luck and I hope everything turns out wonderfully for you.
So sorry to hear about what happened. You will be sorely missed on the boards, your quips and wonderful sense of humour. You know, I was just thinking about you. I was thinking this girl is always out there helping others but what of herself, how is she doing?
Quote: I ignored him the whole time we were there.
I didn't even offer to make him something after he informed me that he had not eaten!
Then there's the dog. I got the dog when he emphatically told me he didn't want one.
The clencher, though, is that I am spending way too much time on these boards, telling you all too much about my life, our details, and then on top of all that, I put my URL address on my profile for a day so that anyone who cared to look would know exactly who I REALLY am... and hence, with a little digging on all your parts, you would be able to discern who HE is!
I think that your H has some valid points to be unhappy about but you don't have to throw yourself upside down to work on it. For instance you don't really have to leave the boards. Spent less time on it by all means and don't share your details if necessary but you don't have to leave the boards entirely. I am sure there are many more here that will share my sentiments. If you do decide to go anyway, I just want to wish you well. I think you will rise above this, no worries.
I just threw up on your behalf like you asked but think I may need to go again so I won't linger. Just wanted you to know that you're thought of and take care. LH
We all 'suck' at times. You are not perfect, no one is. So don't beat yourself up just because you are hurt and angry.
You are right. That was a hoop argument, and it looks like he won. So, who is in control? I hope it isn't either one of you, but the two of you working together.
Maybe you should give things a couple of days to calm down. Maybe you do need to spend less time helping other people, maybe your husband needs to grow up a bit. It is impossible for us to know, but in your heart, you do know.
All of this is to say, don't run off half baked.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
GraniteRose, stay patient and encouraging. The man is on the brink of taking a trip through his own personal hell for you. That's a lotta love.
Damn!! I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes, Corri. For me and for you. I understand your reasons behind this but damn, I got so much inspiration and help from your messages. I'm going to miss you like crazy.
Hang in there, girl. Stay strong. Maybe one day you'll be back to post your success story.
Whadaf_ck! Sitting here reading your post I feel like I'm losing a friend.
Quote: Crazy Jim -- stay crazy. Shake 'em every way including loose.
You have always offered encouragement. I will stay Crazy!Thanks for your support, it was appreaciated.
I must say that I can see some of your husbands objections as valid, you are a lot like my wife, you are very caring, but you are caring for others at his expense. He feels left out, cheated, and compeating for your time. You did not see it, so now you will go from one extreme to the other... not good, now you will feel cheated and feel an underlying resentment, and you won't be happy about it. What happened to compromise, spend less time on the boards, but don't leave it compleatly. To your husband... Dude, I get it, I understand, my wife is like that too, but these are the things that make her who she is, the same way there are things that make you who you are, could you give up who you are? I doubt it. So find a way to meet in the middle somewhere! Beacause if you don't, you will both be miserable.
Like Crazy Jim, I feel like I'm losing a friend. I have a meeting here in a couple of minutes so I can't say much now, but I just wanted you to know that I appreciate everything you've done for me so much. Your advice has been wonderful and I can promise that it wasn't in vain. So sorry to hear about this problem with your husband, but I know you'll work it out. Best of luck and hope to see you back here sometime, at least occasionally. If you're ever dying to set me straight on something but can't post on this messageboard, send me an e-mail at sooner1992@hotmail.com.
I ditto what luvhubby and Crazy-Jimmy said. Your husband has some valid arguments and God love him for getting it out but you can't let it cause you to swing the pendulum from one end to the other. Sometimes a 180 in behavior isn't what is needed at all. Compensate honey, find a middle ground you can both live with but don't give up something you need cause like Crazy said, it's going to build resentment. Then you guys are knee deep in "sheet" again, only this time you are the one feeling angry and dismissed and he is the one feeling like things are going well.
He has some understandable feelings and you need to validate them. It isn't written anywhere that just because he is feeling certain things you have to give up important parts of your life. This board is about finding solutions to problems that keep both parties satisfied. It isn't about giving up so the other can be happy. I'm sure your husband understands that and doesn't want you sacrificing. More than likely he just wants you to listen.
You are one of the most emotionally insightful people I have run across on this board. You seem to be able to focus in on other people's problems and discern answers where even they have been blind. Take that talent and use it in your own situation.
Quote: Hoops, kids. I don't think our issue is about sex and it never has been. It's about jumping through an endless stream of hoops
Is it about hoops or is it about helping your husband identify and express what he needs from you. He seems to be on the defensive right now and is probably feeling pretty frustrated. After that last exchange you have two poeple feeling defensive. The good thing here is that, one of them has enough insight into human behavior to recognize that and work toward finding an answer to the problem that will mean both people can have their needs met.
I cruise these boards every day looking for you. I learn from you and would terribly miss not being able to read you. This seems to be something you find great pleasure in Corri. Please don't deprive yourself of it before putting more thought into find a better answer to the problems. Cathy tolemakr@comcast.net
Dear Corri, I know we just "met" but I wanted to say that your advice to me was so valuable and I have thought about it a lot over the last few days. I think I really needed someone to stand up and say "LOOK AT YOUR SITUATION! IT'S NOT NORMAL! IT'S WRONG TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS!" You are so right. I know now that if things don't change I can't continue this way. I hope the best for you in your marriage and I think you have the strength to make things happen the way you want and need them to be. Starving
I'm as stunned as the rest. You've had such a profound impact on so many here I think we are feeling a real sense of loss.
It is understandable that your husband would be distressed if you are trading his needs for helping out a bunch of screwed up strangers on the internet. Privacy issues are powerful. However, as others have stated, you should be allowed to have some hobbies (whatever the f you want--not just spouse sanctioned hobbies) and friends (even if they are anonymous oddball characters). A compromise is in order here but sometimes compromises are only one sided. It seems that you're the one who has given him everything he's asked for. Great for him and likely you'll be sainted for it, but not exactly healthy for you. If my wife was giving me as much love and sex as you're giving your hub I wouldn't care what she did with the rest of her time. As it is she does pretty much whatever she wants and I support her and I ain't getting any sex.
In any case, I won't preach anymore. We are very sad to get your resignation. Things won't be the same. I fear we may all regress into a whining bunch of crybabies, stewing in our confusion. You certainly kicked a few asssses into gear with your tough love suggestions and heartfelt words.
But don't come back for us (even though we need you!), come back for you--if you decide to. Do what's best for you. I suspect that you're the type of person that gets pumped up by helping other people, quite a virtue to enjoy.
I'm as stunned as the rest. You've had such a profound impact on so many here I think we are feeling a real sense of loss.