Hi All! This is my first post so I'm a little nervous.. I am a 39 year old woman who's been married for 71/2 years. We have 2 daughters aged 3 & 6. My husband has always been less interested in sex than me but since I stopped initiating sex 4 years ago, we have not been intimate. I'm nearing the end of my rope. We've been in counselling for 6 mos. but it doesn't seem to be helping much. I don't want a divorce but I don't want a marriage like this either. Is there any hope after this long? Have others gone this long?
Quote: Hi All! This is my first post so I'm a little nervous.. I am a 39 year old woman who's been married for 71/2 years. We have 2 daughters aged 3 & 6. My husband has always been less interested in sex than me but since I stopped initiating sex 4 years ago, we have not been intimate. I'm nearing the end of my rope. We've been in counselling for 6 mos. but it doesn't seem to be helping much. I don't want a divorce but I don't want a marriage like this either. Is there any hope after this long? Have others gone this long?
Hi Starving: Sorry to hear about your situation, but you've definitely come to the right place. There's a lot of good information to be had here. I will say that I went for years w/o sex from my 1st husband. Side effects from meds caused impotence. Ultimately that was not what led me to D, but rather his abusive nature. I can't imagine loving someone dearly and not being intimate with him for 4 years.
How old is your H? Has he been checked out with a doctor to eliminate any medical problems?
You said you've been in counselling for about 6 months, but it's not working. Would you tell us more about the C and the sessions? What typically goes on during the session? Is it what you expected? Do you feel comfortable with the C? Does your H feel comfortable with the C? My H & I just started with a C and it's a man we both feel at ease with. He asks questions in a way as to expose the issue and then he offers us ways of dealing with it. We go back for our 2nd visit this Wednesday. It sounds to me like this is not the case with you and your H.
Dear Barbara, Thank you for responding. My H is 36 and as far as I know has no medical condition that could cause his LD. He hasn't been to a doctor but probably would agree that the problem is not physical. He just is not interested in any form of physical contact including kissing, hugging, or touching. When I try to touch him in any way he withdraws. We are both educated, successful in our careers, and very attractive. We have a lovely home and are good parents to our daughters. Our counsellor is male and very kind and approachable but he seems to avoid the sexual conversations and prefers to focus on improving our communication, etc. I think he feels if we spent more time together, talked more, and became friends again, the sex would return naturally. I'm not so sure. I've been reading the Sex-Starved Marriage and find it helpful in some ways. I try to follow the advice about not nagging and being more pleasant to be around. We are arguing a little less and are kinder to each other. I wonder how long it takes to move from this stage to being physical again. It's great to know I'm not the only one out there struggling with this! The hardest part is of course still desiring him but not being desired in return. Starving
I'd get yourself into marriage counseling now, even if he doesn't go with you. Going without for four years is absolutely and utterly absurd. Abusive. I'm not so sure if you shouldn't pack up and head out right now. Do you understand how he is holding you as an emotional hostage? You don't do that to one you profess to love. This is so wrong I can't even put my outrage into words... and I happen to be the LD in my marriage!
Sorry... me again. You are in marriage counseling. For six months. Sorry.
I do understand why your counselor is going down the road of improving communication... but jesus girl. Four years. I'd move out, take your girls with you, and tell him you'll move back AFTER you've seen improvement. I think you have serious control issues going on in your marriage, and I'm not so sure it isn't abusive.
I'd continue in therapy on your own.
Sorry for all the posts. I'm just so outraged on your behalf I'm getting scattered.
Hi Corrie, Wow! Your feedback was powerful! It does seem confusing but we last had sex when our 3-yr-old was conceived which was in Sept. 1999 she was born in June 2000. So, there you go. The reason I haven't left is because I love my girls so much that I have been willing to sacrifice anything to keep our family together. But now I'm not sure if it really is worth sacrificing. I have always enjoyed sex and feel I'm too young to end this part of my life. But how can you make a decision that will separate the family? Starving
Quote: But how can you make a decision that will separate the family?
I hate to say this, but your family is already separated. You just happen to live in the same house. Which isn't bad for your girls, but you are dying a slow and painful death. Do you want your girls to grow up seeing you like that?
I might not be so hardlined about this if it had only been a few months... jeese, even a year. But FOUR?!
Have you ever suspected him of an affair?
I just think you need to stand up for yourself. I think it's great he's going to counseling, that's a plus... but does he always go? Or just periodically? Does he acknowledge that there is a RADICAL problem going on with your marriage?
I don't know, S. I'm pretty much a firm believer in keeping marriages together, especially when kids are involved. But I think there is something really bizarre going on over at your place, and I don't know that anything short of you walking out is going to rattle his cage.
Hi Corri, No, I don't think he's been having an affair but he has been visiting some "girly" sites on the web I've discovered. Does this count?! I don't know, he just doesn't think it's a big deal that we don't have sex and figures I'm overreacting. He says he loves me and doesn't want to end the marriage. The "shrink" doesn't encourage divorce and seems to want us to try and work things out but H still can't get close to me. The other night when I tried the advice of Michele W.D. and the "challenge" thats posted on this site (approaching your mate with love, etc.) and I tried to kiss him, etc. after we drank a bottle of wine and were having a quiet time on the couch, he told me it was a turn-off and pushed me away. I cried for 2 days! That kind of rejection is permanently scar ring I think. Thanks again for your time! This sort of stuff is hard to discuss with anyone I know.
I feel for you. I would cry for a week if I were rejected like that. For me, it was 2 years, then we decided to have another child, and now I'm 2 months pregnant, so it looks like another 2 years again. Like yours, my H thinks its no big deal and thinks I'm overeacting. And like yours too, my H also used to visit porn sites. Now this is a killer isn't it? He doesn't want sex with you but at the same time his desire can't be all gone since he does look at porn? I felt really anguished about this for a while. I spoke to H and told him that I was ok with him looking at porn (which man does not like to look anyway?) provided it does not replace me. I also told him that we could look at them together if he liked, just don't hide from me or do it secretly and I told him that if he wanted to keep porn on the pc he should try to just keep the couple ones and not the girly ones. (thats the insecure me speaking - afterall who likes to be compared to all that made up fantasy 'glorious' bodies?) Have you spoken to your H about how his viewing the girly sites makes you feel? LH
