I hadn't realized that you were sound asleep! Hmm.. your H needs to work on his timing a bit and I agree that a hint is probably a good idea but do go easy on him Rose, the man is trying, its a lot more than the other spouses here who are in deep denial and acting as if you don't talk about it the problem will go away! BTW, how did the C session go? LH
I'm glad that you were merely venting here while feeling very frustrated. Cheating is never the answer you know. In theory, it sounds like a pretty good idea but it never quite turns out that way in real life. Too many complications. Take for example, my H had a PA once with a co-worker. Well it was supposed to be merely physical, no strings attached kind of thing, the kind of thing you were thinking about. As it turned out the OW became very emotional, so emotional she threatened suicide and started harrassing me. She would call me up at home in the middle of the night then hang up and even rang my office just to hang up. When that was not good enough, she finally came to my home to deliver to me personally a long x-rated letter about what they had been doing behind my back and this was one year after the A ended! Who knows, lets say if you do hook up with this other man who is also married, you may even turn out to be the emotional one.
Like I said at the beggining of the post, its really hard having to deal with this SSM thing. I think if I was 30 years into my M and still had this issue to deal with I too would say the same thing you did out of frustration. Whats left to do? Leave or if thats not the answer for you, live with it. The other option, change (find a compromise) is only available to us if our spouses were willing. It takes two hands to clap. LH
Session went well. H admitted he 'forgot' to give me a clue.
He was devastated to think he was the problem causing my depression and that he didn't see. it. Told him our problem was not the TOTAL cause of my depression and he could not have foreseen it. He talked to the C at length about the med I'm on; is taking a proactive approach to helping me.
I can't tell you how satisfied we continue to be with the fellow we are seeing. H finds him easy to talk with, too. During last night's session, H learned that he is bothered more than I with my lack of reaching O. *I* get much satisfaction from just the act itself. He and C talked about this at length last night, with H now knowing/believing that I'm quite happy with him and his sexual performance.
After more talk between H & C, H is beginning to *really* believe it when I tell him I love him unconditionally. He talked a bit about how in the past that had not been the case and he was leary. C validated his feelings and pointed out that that could also be the cause of his pulling back on sex. That once a person starts giving their all, they become vulnerable; that H is afraid *I* will do the same thing. H agreed that it's a possibility that he feels that way. Anyway, after more talk, H felt better about that, too, saying he didn't have to worry about that from me.
Next appt is in two weeks. We had to devise a way of signaling our partner that we were 'interested' that night. We chose to use our dart board. When one of us wants to initiate we put a dart in the bullseye If the other one is interested we leave it there, if not, we remove the dart. BUT --- if it's Not Tonight, then we have to give a reason/or reason to hope. [Ex: How about tomorrow morning/night? I'm tired, or my back hurts. But it just can't be No.]
I ended up telling H (in front of C) how proud I am of him, that it takes a lot of courage to do what he's doing and I love all the more for it.
Am starting to notice subtle differences in H. Like he's carrying a bit lighter load on his shoulders these days. So, things are going well. I hope it continues.
2nd day on Lexapro. So far today no side effects (like yesterday). BP is down to 127/78.
Thanks for your reply. In my husband's case we are dealing with erectile dysfunction. I thought we were making good progress lately with some changes on my part, letting him know ahead of time that I am interested and also being more affectionate with him outside of the bedroom (he needs to know that he is loved outside of the bedroom as well). With these changes on my part, as well as Viagra use on his part, things were really looking up for awhile. Now he is into all the avoidance tactics and in talking to him recently about this, he says the Viagra doesn't always work. So we have some performance anxiety, frustration, on his part all ending in avoidance of the whole issue and not wanting to even try. I know this is very frustrating for him as he would move heaven and earth to please me. I know on his part it is not just lack of effort, but when he does try, lack of erection, frustration, kind of a vicious cycle going on here, so he gives up.
I am not ready to give up on our 30 year relationship because outside of this area things are great and I don't think I could find another man with as many of the qualities that he has that I appreciate. However, it is very frustrating when you have a healthy sex drive that is not being addressed in the marriage. My husband has agreed to go in for further testing to check his testosterone level, thryoid, and see a urologist, so maybe there's hope there. There is also another drug coming on the market which lasts 24 hours, so things can be more spontaneous.
I do agree that it would be unwise for me to go looking outside the marriage for ways to meet my sexual needs. I could end up with a whole new set of problems as well as, if caught, the possible demise of my marriage.
Speaking of darts I think tonight I'm going make the first move and put the dart in the bullseye. This will be the first time in over a year that I've had the courage to initiate. I'm hoping for a Yes from the H, but preparing for a No.
Hello everyone... I didn't get to read all of the postings here, but enough to feel all of your pain, anger, and frustrations about this issue. I can't give too many details about my life or R since H browses this site, and I don't want him to "recognize" me (you know how it goes, 1+1=argument)... so here's my sketchy input.
Twice now, I've been in marriages with LD husbands - the first one was incredibly bad, and had many other nasty issues, but it still took me a long time to realize I could leave. The second - current - one, had a much better start, although I realized a while ago that even in the very beginning I was the one initiating, only then I couldn't see it for that since I was so ecstatic that SOMEONE cared and responded. Anyway, he's a good man, and probably his 'norm' would be just fine for many woman out there.... gradually, it got worse, though, and he began to resent my constant "wanting".
I don't know about you girls, but I REALLY enjoy sex, and sensuality, and all aspects and forms of physical interaction with a man...
For years I sublimated my desire for the sake of my family and marriage - there's one girl who posted in another area that 'sex should only be 10% and everything else 90%' - well, that's how it was for us. But when your body and your psyche says "NO!!! Sex should be MUCH MUCH higher on the list!!!" you can't push it under forever without other things popping up - such as resentment, anger, sadness - just read the Sex Starved Marriage Book - ours was directly from there, only I was the HD spouse.
So after a long, long time of this - and yes, I went through the 'what's wrong with me?' thinking big time - I withdrew, thinking he'd miss something - but he never did. Where before there was somewhat of a sex life mostly because of my initiation, now there was basically a vaccume. And when we did have sex, it was generally unimaginative and not engaging me in any emotional way - more or less just a way for him to get his rocks off when he really needed it. Doesn't make for a happy homelife...
And now, it's gridlock - I moved out to another part of the house because I simply don't desire him anymore. I can't make love to him - it's not there anymore. For the last few years, I tried, and for a while he did too, but then it went back to the old 'excuses' routine from his side - too tired, not feeling good, too much to do the next day, etc, etc. One day, one night actually when we had sex because he gave in because I was crying, I realized that we're just much better off as friends - sex is just too much of an "issue" between us. What was said in one of the first postings in this area was; You either live with it or leave" - is so true. I can't change myself. I can't not have physical desire in my life. I don't want to live without sex, or with sex being a minor role in my life. And I can't make him want it either....
So there's that.
Thanks for giving an 'ear' girls (and some guys I guess too!)
Quote: but then it went back to the old 'excuses' routine from his side - too tired, not feeling good, too much to do the next day, etc, etc. One day, one night actually when we had sex because he gave in because I was crying
Yunno Lucy, the excuses sound so alike you sounded like me posting. What I would really like H to say instead goes something like this "Hon, I'm not sure why I have so little interest in sex lately (its not you), maybe its the meds I'm taking or the stress I am going through at work etc, I hope you can bear with it for a while. Please tell me if you can't and we will try to do something about it together. I know its important to you and so its important to me too and for our marriage."
Hmm.... if my H said something like that to me, well I could live without it for errr for 6 months. Just trying to be funny but really thats all I need to hear from hubby instead of "theres nothing wrong, only you think there's something wrong (for not having sex for 2 years)", "you're overeacting" and the list goes on. Now would somebody be so kind enough as to tell me how to achieve that level of communication with your spouse especially since this lack of intimacy has already become such a highly sensitive issue. I would be most grateful. LH
Quote: Now would somebody be so kind enough as to tell me how to achieve that level of communication with your spouse especially since this lack of intimacy has already become such a highly sensitive issue. I would be most grateful.
Hey, Luv: I can't tell you the magic words, but I'd like to hear them, too, if anyone has them.
Quote: Yunno Lucy, the excuses sound so alike you sounded like me posting. What I would really like H to say instead goes something like this "Hon, I'm not sure why I have so little interest in sex lately (its not you), maybe its the meds I'm taking or the stress I am going through at work etc, I hope you can bear with it for a while. Please tell me if you can't and we will try to do something about it together. I know its important to you and so its important to me too and for our marriage."
The excuses Lucy cites are echoed here, too. And like you, Luv, I'd feel much better if my H would say something along the line of what you posted. It would do so much to help me feel better about our sitch.
In another thread I told about playing darts night before last and how afterwards it dawned on me that H and I have finally achieved sexual equilibrium. We played a game of darts and he won by putting 3 darts in the bullseye. I watched to see if he’d leave one there. But no. He took them all and played a game against the computerized board. Then he put them all away. Know what? I found I just didn’t care. Maybe it's the med I'm on, maybe I've been rejected so many times I've given up the fight. I don't know.
I slept all through the night last night. First time in a long time. Didn't even get up when H did. When I *did* get up about 20 minutes ago I noticed he'd put the dart in the bullseye of the dartboard. Know what's funny? It didn't 'grab' me like it would have in the past. I'm sort of "Oh, yeah. Ho-Hum." Won't say no, but the excitement just ain't there right now.
With the med I'm on, a decrease in sex drive is not one of the side-effects, so that leaves repeated rejection.
I definitely 'feel' for those of us HDs using this thread to vent. Maybe we can help each other pull through this.
I think tonight I'm going make the first move and put the dart in the bullseye. This will be the first time in over a year that I've had the courage to initiate. I'm hoping for a Yes from the H, but preparing for a No.