Quote: GraniteRose I see that you give some great advice! Thanks for your support. I have seriously thought about therapy but don't know if it would do me any good to go alone and I know I could never talk him into going with me because it would embarras him to death. He won't even talk to me about it. But then again maybe it would be easier for him to talk to someone else. I will try to bring it up to him.
Kabelle: You might be very surprised. I thought the exact things you write above. I *never* thought I'd live to see the day when I'd be in therapy. And I surely never thought I'd get my H in there with me. I fully intended to go by myself until the day I sat down with H and we talked. I mean, we *really* talked and listened.
I explained that I did not intend on leaving him (something other women in his past had done) because of this problem. I said the sexual part of our marriage was very important to me. When he agreed, we then talked over the possible reasons why it wasn't for him.
H agreed to see medical doctor to eliminate physical problems (he passed with flying colors). When I asked if he'd be then willing to see a C if OK physically, he said "Yes, because I don't want to lose you." I assured him he wasn't going to lose me.
Since this had be weighing on my mind for some time, I was getting depressed and concentrating on my job was getting more difficult. With the help of my company's employee program, we were referred to a C in our area.
Now, here's my H: a 50+ guy who's a former trucker, owns a Harley, looks like he should be in a movie about cowboys with Sam Elliott, etc. sitting in a C's office. I honestly thought *I* would have to do the explaining. Boy was I ever wrong. When C asked what had brought us there, H spoke up first and explained the situation.
The point is: never assume your partner will or will not do anything. I assumed and I was wrong. Sometimes your partner has to know that you've reached the absolute end; that in order for you to retain your peace of mind, some sort of solution needs to be found.
Never assume that therapy isn't for you or you could never bring yourself to opening up to a stranger. These people are trained to ask just the right questions. They are objective listeners. If you find you aren't clicking with your C then you find another one you *do* click with. H&I are lucky to have clicked with the first one.
Hang in there. Coming to these boards is a good step. Reading SSM is another. And never let the lines of communication close up.
As Graniterose said I assume he went to the Dr. - but did the Dr. do a blood test and check his testosterone level? Inability to maintain an erection is a symptom of low testosterone. I finally went to the Dr. (after my wife filed for Divorce citing, amond other reasons, my lack of a sex drive) and found that not only was my Testosterone level low - it was very low. I am now taking a Testosterone supplement and it is having an effect not that it does any good now. Even tho WAW and I still talk and seem to be making some progress in restoring our R, our sex life is nill because of her hurt. Funny thing that when I could, I didn't want to but now that I can't, I really want to.
Dr. also gave me the wonder blue pills since Viagra may need a Testosterone boost to really work. Just my opinion. ODGA
Kabelle, No it's not selfish to want love and affection from your H even if he doesn't feel like it. I really believe it is part of a spouse's responsibility to nurture their partner. Many of us would not be so concerned about lack of sex if there was more physical affection in general. I am in a similar situation and my H just seems so UNCOMFORTABLE with any form of affection. I wonder if it's something from their childhood or something that's come back to haunt? I do feel it's worth working on and exploring. Like it says in SSM if the LD partner would just allow themselves to be touched, the wall could begin to come down. Your husband seems to have built some kind of wall. Any ideas why? Starving
Thanks for all the resoponses Iv'e been getting! I can see that there are many people having the same problem I am.
My H and I have been doing alot of talking and he has been showing me some affection that I hadn't had in quite a while. Then you wonder if it's because he wants to or was it just because you complained about it. Whatever the reason, it worked! I completely left him alone about the sex thing and was only working with him on the affection but Friday night after going to bed early, he woke me up about 1:00 am and made love to me for the first time in 3 months!
Who knows how long it will be again before that happens, but for now I'm happy!
I know I just got into this group, but I have been dealing with this problem for several years now. I really think your words of advice have helped me and I pray for each of you that your problems will get better.
Don't get me wrong, I'm on cloud 9 right now, but I know in a couple weeks I'll be telling you all about how it's happing again, because that seems to be what happens with us. It's really hard to tell how long it will be until next time. But thanks again for being there for me
Quote: Don't get me wrong, I'm on cloud 9 right now, but I know in a couple weeks I'll be telling you all about how it's happing again, because that seems to be what happens with us.
Two steps forward, one step back. It happens to all of us at some time. But you're definiely taking steps in the right direction.
Bell, I want to reiterate, the affection, if he feels it will lead you to believe he wants sex. You will get none. And no reaction if he don't, crying will delayed your progress by week or months.
He has to feel safe cuddling and such, knowing you will not initate sex.
If he is willing;
Do the sitting in chairs, face to face, holding hands, and looking into each others eyes, and talk. You will hear the truth.
