Hi everybody, I am 27 women; me and my boyfriend have been living together for 2 years, and dating for almost 3 and a half. Everything is great and the next step is marriage. Only problem is that I obviously much more interested in sex than he is. I can relate to all the descriptions here about the frustration etc. we had better times and very bad times when we didn't have sex at all. It was kind of obvious from the start that I want more in that department then him. He knows my frustrations and he really tries. However I am really worried that getting into a marriage with such a discrepancy in sexual appetites is suicidal. Other than that issue we are very happy together and as I said sometimes I do feel satisfied - but it is obvious that his libido will never be where mine is. As people who are already married what do you think? am I terribly stupid in believing we might work it out so that I will be somewhat satisfied or should this be enough of a reason to break something wonderful otherwise?... I am so scared about this, I am afraid I am walking, eyes open, into my worst fears...
I'd suggest working on the problem BEFORE you get married. I married my H knowing that sex was an issue, and it hasn't gotten any better in the 1 1/2 years we've been married. H is LD; I am HD. This is pretty much all that we ever fight about, and it creates a lot of stress.
We were also together for about 3 1/2 years and lived together for 1 year before getting married. The problem is not going away and has probably gotten worse.
Quote: I'd suggest working on the problem BEFORE you get married. I married my H knowing that sex was an issue, and it hasn't gotten any better in the 1 1/2 years we've been married. H is LD; I am HD. This is pretty much all that we ever fight about, and it creates a lot of stress.
We were also together for about 3 1/2 years and lived together for 1 year before getting married. The problem is not going away and has probably gotten worse.
I have to second COgal's response. It won't go away on its own and will probably grow into a bigger problem. If you *can* work to overcome this before you get married, you will have a better chance of staying married, in my opinion.
I married my LD H (age 51, I'm 54) knowing full well that this problem would not resolve itself. And it did get worse. We're in therapy right now and I have every reason to believe we will resolve it and have a stronger, happier, more fulfilling marriage.
Absolutely it should stop you. I had this question to answer, and I kided myself into thinking it would change. Don't go into such a state of denial. If this is an issue now, it will be in the future, and even more so if you're married. It will pollute all other aspects of the marriage, sometimes without you even realizing it. So, step back, and do the necessary work up front.
This issue will not resolve itself, and in fact will probably get worse if left unattended. I personally do not think you should get married until this issue has not only been addressed, but put into practice for a good year. Then you can think about marriage.
Hi I also agree with the others. The thing is not that you should not stay together and eventually marry,but you don't want to do anything else before you resolve this problem. OK you may need to come to some compromises, just as you do in any other area of marriage eg how many kids to have whatever. But it has to be mutual, it has to be something you can live with happily for the rest of your life . You have to be able to communicate, and feel that your partner understands the importance of this issue to you and cares enough about your feelings to change if you really need them to. I bet he does.
I'm of two minds when it comes to this issue. If you are having a hard time dealing with it now and you know that a change in his behavior is the only thing that will help your feelings then I definitely believe you should think hard before you marry him. If you can live with the fact that you will be compensating and making adjustments regarding something that you value then go ahead and marry him.
There are so many factors that go into making a choice like this. Which is more important to you...having sex with him or sharing your life with him? You've lived with him long enough for the newness to be off of the relationship, you guys have settled in. Are you finding that the lack of sex is a big issue for you? If so, it's only going to get worse after the marriage, not better.
Are discrepancies in sexual appetite suicide for a marriage? I don't believe it has to be. Getting married does not mean getting 100% of what you want. It's give and take, sacrifice and being willing to compensate. I think the bottom line is this....if you can go into a marriage fully aware of the differences with no expectations for it to change and knowing that you can be happy with the adjustment you will have to make then no, it isn't suicide. Cathy
Well kids, I gotta agree with all of you. I'll use a bit stronger language...Pengwen, you better fix this sh!t now or YOU WILL END UP SCREWING SOMEONE ELSE, and it will haunt you through your whole marriage!
I love my wife of 27 years more than you can imagine, BUT, had I the chance to do it over, knowing what I know now about our sexual inequality, I would run away screaming.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Gwendolin...you and I are in the same boat and I am new here for the same reason. I am also 27 and have been dating for 5 years now. We do not live together although only 2 miles apart. I am having the same worries of marriage before dealing with this issue. How can two people be so compatible in all areas but the bedroom? This too seems to me a difficult situation and I hope to work it out before a breakup. I have ordered to SSM book and hope you have too. Perhaps it will give us some insight in how to talk with them effectively and appropriately. He is aware that I am concerned with this subject but it seems to only make him more anxious about having sex.
I will keep a look out for your postings to check up on you. We seem to have a lot in common here....good luck
