My wife and I had a bit of a tiff this morning concerning our differing sex drives. After a year and a half of discussion, therapy, counseling, and research she has come to the conclusion that she now has a "low sex drive" and that I have a "high sex drive."
I know that I cannot expect her to "come up to my level" just like she cannot expect me to "come down to her level" in regards to sex in the marriage. How do you meet in the middle?
She swears up and down that she had no trouble in previous relationships in the sex department and that it all started a couple weeks after we got married. She says that her sex drive dissappeared because she was depressed but did not know it.
I know it is not her fault that she was depressed. She is taking medication for it and says that she is over it and that she has now discovered that just has a low sex drive. I feel like I got the old "bait and switch" and I am not sure what to do about it. We discussed sex in detail before we got married and I told her how important it was to me and that I had a pretty healthy sex drive. She said that she agreed with me and that she was very sexual too. I am actually having a tough time keeping this whole thing together. Now she is saying that she cannot be intimate with me because she does not trust me because I left her for a week back in February because I was sick of having unmet needs and feeling decieved. I feel like I can't do anything right and even when I do it comes out wrong.
I have had so many "Talk"s about this I am just absolutely flabbergasted as to what to do next. She told me that she feels like I am not wanting to buy a house or have kids because this "sex thing" is not where "I" want it to be and that I am trying not to get too attached because it will be easier to leave when things don't go the way "I" want. I feel like we have gotten NOWHERE in the past year and a half. I told my wife that sex was just like all the other important things in a marriage. If both people can't reach a place where they are comfortable then the relationship will fail. It is the same thing with communication, support, emotional connection, etc..... It really makes me wonder if maybe I am wanting too much and that my needs are actually unreasonable.
Quote: By the way, which "talk" where you referring to??
The "Last Ditch Effort" letter or talk or whatever you want to call it that I recommended for you and Cloudnine... you thought there was something to it and asked for feedback on it?
Did you have THAT talk?
In any event, has your wife read the book?
And yes, I think you can meet in the middle, but I'll save my thoughts until you respond.
Yes we did have that talk. She took it as a threat instead of a genuine effort on my part to communicate my needs as well as the seriousness of the situation we are in. Right now we are at a stalemate. She has decided that she is happy having become low sex drive and I am, and always have been, happy in my high sex drive state. She was compatible with me in the beginning but she has, admittedly, changed to LD for what ever reason. Obviously, this is not what I signed up for. She says she is willing to try to find a way to "manage" our differing sex drives but I know what that means. It means that physical intimacy will always be on her terms and I will always be left with a hole where my once fulfilled sex life was.
Though I know you are feeling at the very end of your rope, I think it is very good that she had admitted to the fact that she is LD and you are HD. That's step one.
I don't think it is bad that she took The Talk as a threat, as you were speaking the truth, not giving her an ultimatum. She now knows where you stand, threat or not. It will sink into her subconscious.
I think, once you calm down, that you need to do some serious thinking about how long you think you can truly hang in there. Two months? Six? A year? Commit yourself to that time frame, no matter what. That will let you off the hook in terms of "how long am I supposed to put up with this?" Believe it or not, deciding a time frame takes pressure off yourself, and in a sense, will take pressure off of her.
Then you have to get out of her if she is willing to meet somewhere in the middle... maybe by reading the book? And you have to decide if you can live with whatever it is the two of you can come up with.
In essence, I guess I am saying you need to go on a 'fact finding' mission, and try to leave the emotion out of it for now. Once you have your 'facts' in place, you can look at what is before you and come to some conclusions.
Be very, very careful of getting pregnant right now. It will change the entire scope of the playing field. And I wouldn't go down 'starting a family' road until the two of you can figure out if you can settle this between you.
I personally think that because you are in such a relatively new marriage, this is something critical to settle before bringing kids into the mix.
You are going to have to think very carefully about when and where you are going to draw your line, and you need to make sure she understands where that line is... even if it does sound like a threat. She doesn't have to take it that way. She needs to wake up and smell the coffee, and understand that if she really doesn't TRY to make some effort on her part to understand your needs, and what those needs really mean (beyond down and dirty sex), that she is going to lose her marriage.
She has the power to change, and you can help her, the book can help her, people here can help her (is she willing to get online here?), she has a variety of options.
And for the sake of your marriage, continue practicing patience (the road to patience is not the act of being patient, but through tolerance and empathy. Try to understand that she really, honestly, just doens't 'get' it right now... you getting mad at her is like getting mad at a four year old for not being able to read fluently).
It sucks being where you are, and I sooo feel for you. I know that doesn't help one whit, but this is the best I can offer. Hope some of it helps.
Quote: By the way, which "talk" where you referring to??
The "Last Ditch Effort" letter or talk or whatever you want to call it that I recommended for you and Cloudnine... you thought there was something to it and asked for feedback on it?
Did you have THAT talk?
In any event, has your wife read the book?
And yes, I think you can meet in the middle, but I'll save my thoughts until you respond.
Hi Meatpuppet Sorry to hear your talk did not have the desired effect. I can understand how frustrated you must be feeling. I guess its not so much the lack of sex as the thought that your feelings do not seem to matter to your W.
I feel pretty certain your M is not going to last if you go on like this. It's because this clearly is a big problem for you and you are very upset about it but your W is not doing anything to help. You are in danger of becoming the classic walk away spouse. But hey, you are in the right place! (like having a heart attack in the doctor's waiting room)
So I think the thing for you to do is read DB/DR (if you havent already) and start putting it into practise. Don't be afraid to go for something drastic either. Its a pretty serious sitch.
I would say your W is one who clearly doesn't respond well to talking so forget that for now. I think that's what they call "a cheeseless tunnel".
I keep advising people to do DBing when I still haven't read the book. But going by the threads I have read it really does work, and anyway I haven't heard of any other options. Lets face it most people who feel like you do would end up getting a D. But perhaps you can turn this around and it's certainly worth a shot.
It has been nearly a month since you posted are you still hanging in there? If so and you want some thoughs of a guy that has been through it and stuck withit for almost 20 years in a bad situation let me know.
